I havent been on here much.

I have faved some art and left some comments, but I havent posted much or wrote any journals. I guess I didnt have anything to wrote about.
I suppose I do now.

2 days ago, our bird, Wahine died. I woke up to Serpy holding her in front of me, crying. To be honest, when I saw her, I didnt know how to react. I just sat there looking at her. I felt as if I hadnt really woken up, but was still dreaming. my mind was hazy and I felt sick. I still feel sick. It wasnt even until almost several hours later, it hit me...Our little Wahine was gone. I broke down and for the first time in a very long time, I cried, hard.

I couldnt talk, I could hardly breath and I didnt care to move. It seemed so surreal still. Like my mind was playing some sort of sick joke on itself.
Over the last few days...I have not been myself at home. For those who know how I am, you also know my energy...It has been seemingly drained. I havent been talking much...in fact i havent been feeling anything but this pinch in the back of my neck where Wahine used to try to preen my neck hair. I havent been able to carry on a decent conversation even with Serpy...Even my text messages are very short.

Im numb.

Ive dealt with death before. This isnt the first time I have had to bury a member of my family. Its strange though. My dog...I had her for years before she died...her death was cruel and malicious...And yet i feel the same gravity here as I did there. I havent been able to sleep tonight. I barely slept last night. Im getting caught in random trains of thought, going in the kitchen and just looking around. Serpy asked me what I was doing and I didnt even know.

I think, just like her, im still looking, expecting to see her sitting on our wedding plates, eating bits of apple and pomegranate, or walking along the floor getting ready to try and climb up my pant leg. I still catch myself trying to whistle to her from downstairs, expecting her to call out back to me from the bedroom.

Truth is, right now im really messed up emotionally.

Serpy wants me to talk to her...I want to but I cant think of what to say. Im not upset, or mad. Im confused and sad and lost. Im trying to find a reason for something that has no reason...Im trying to find logic in something illogical. Im trying to tell myself why she cant be dead yet, and at the same time trying to convince myself that I have to accept her passing. These last two days have had me spinning. And I found comfort in the arms of my wife. But my mind is still restless.

Even now, as Im typing this, I wonder to myself, how many will read this through its entirety? How many will simply look and decide that its too long to read, then leave a comment like they understand what im feeling now.

When I buried her I felt colder than I had ever felt before. I wanted to drop to my knees and just stop everything, hoping that maybe we were mistaken. perhaps she was just asleep...It was an irrational though that was fleeting, but I still hear her. Clementine woke up yesterday in tears. Her dreams were as haunted as my awoken state. For someone so small and so young to have such an impact...Its beautiful and yet so cruel. As Serpy said...Her time here was too long to be forgotten easily, and yet too short to know who she really was and who she could be.

With this, I wont be on here for a few days. If anyone needs me, you can call me or text me if you have my number. I may respond to notes, depending on how I feel.

I need some time to sort things out....And I need to talk with my Thylacine.

Im sorry for such a long journal. please forgive me...I dont want you alll in the dark on how I feel. Have a good day everyone. Lots of Love.