I was walking back to the place with the wifi to get on the Internet and answer the stack of notes, messages, and emails I had to get to when I felt something inside me that almost manifested as laughter. I held it in because I was passing the administrative building on base that houses our Commanding Officer, Executive Officer, and other officers of various importance. It’s very important to appear hardboiled and have military bearing when passing by there, very bad to be caught goofing off or enjoying life. So instead of giving in, I thought about what I was feeling and those thoughts coalesced into something that went like this.

Holy shit. I survived.

I saw someone who reminded me of Comron the other day; my monstrous ex boyfriend, walking with a male friend and I almost laughed in his face. I was going off base with my roommate, Ng, who despite her faults and totally voweless last name, is still a good person at heart and wants to do the right thing even when nobody is watching. I was in the company of a good person and I was going out to do things that were fun, not fun because they were illegal or risky, just fun. I’m no longer the service member that feels the need to live life riskily, sexily, dangerously, or in any kind of manner that requires a ‘y’ ending. I don’t to go out and feel compelled to drink with underage teenagers just because they want me to.

And I’m happy too. Happy because I survived June. July. August. September. And October right up until the point where I became alive again when Bran touched my heart in the right spot. And then I began to live again when I found out the truth, that my rapist was separated administratively because of what he’d done to me and to others too afraid to come forward like me. And all those liars who spread rumors about me and untruths and falsehoods, slanderous words, and the people who betrayed me as a friend by taking sides when they didn’t know there weren’t even any sides to take… Well they’re left holding the bag and looking stupid, because inside the bag is my cum-stained clothes and the scientific paperwork that proves what happened to me wasn’t consensual. Just a pair of plain black bikini bottoms and a blue tank top and a matching pair of boxers.

And I’m standing on the other side of the fence, free as a bird, laughing my ass off because I’m not only free, but now I can work for myself again. Charles Yu said that was the absolute definition of a free man. I can do what I want when I want how I want because I chose to be that way. I’m not mentally shackled by the things that aren’t true. So Comron, when he saw me looking healthy and happy, was defeated completely. The last time he saw me he told me I was a liar, a snitch, and a whore. He saw me in tears leaving the quarterdeck and having to choke down a thousand angry letters and words I wanted to spit in his face. This time, when he saw me he got a chance to see me for what I really am, and only a part of me is sad that I never got to tell him to his face what I was. I’m whole, and happy, and healthy, and disease free. No unwanted pregnancy, no unwanted bacteria or viruses, and no lies to keep up appearances. Instead I can just tell the truth.

I’m a woman who is getting marred December 18th to a man that honors me as much as I honor him. He lets me have my freedom in exchange for me letting him have his. And we will be happy and are happy to be doing the right thing, regardless of what the rest of the world will see it as. Comron you monster, you betraying bastard, you blithering fuckwit, can’t you see what you’ve done? You left me in the lurch and then left me again as a friend and tried to get back at me through a friend more loyal to me than you’ll ever understand. You became the one looking for friends that weren’t going to give you herpes and tell you how much you sucked at fucking them.

I became the one who has friends, who has love, and who has life. Real life. Legal life. And while you stand on the other side of the wall with Lurch, where everyone has an agenda or has a ‘game’ to play, you’ll have to stew and be miserable knowing that I actually won. Because I knew there wasn’t a game in the first place that could’ve been lost or won in the traditional sense.
I’m over here on the side where reality reigns. Where people get kicked out of the Navy for rape, indirectly, but still kicked out. Where people who tell the truth sometimes get a little bit of their own back. And baby, I got it back. I got it back so good, I can rub it in your face for the rest of my natural life knowing that it’s all mine. Nobody can take this victory from me because nobody can unmake what happened to me and nobody can undo the things that happened in my mind between June and now. I saw counselors, took medication, and went to therapy. And I prevailed because I wanted to be stronger than you, and every other lying betraying bastard that said I was a stupid whore who was making shit up to get attention. Sure I spent almost six months in pure fucking misery and confusion and could barely function enough to pass for normal, but I fucking functioned didn’t I.
Now one of you is pregnant in Norfolk with some guy’s baby and full of shit about the whole situation and will probably go nowhere with your career and it’s funny because you’ve got ‘Honor Courage and Commitment’ tattooed on your body but you don’t even know what those words mean. How could you? You’re fucking 12.

Another one of you is fat and failing your PFAs and in FEP because you’re a disgusting fatbody who won’t stop eating frosting for lunch because they’re ‘nothing to eat’ on ‘base’ anywhere. Never mind the fact that I can eat at the galley three times a day, and go from 138 to 130 by eating salads and getting off my ass more than I absolutely have to.

And the third one is still here but he’s not my enemy, so much as he’s an honored friend. He’s working and studying hard, and doing the right thing and he’s going to make it with me. Both of us. Penguin fucking or not.

Enjoy that image you have of me walking in the cold wind and laughing with my rabbit ears on. My little Chinese room mate laughing next to me, even though she only comes up to my shoulder.

I’m free, and I’m fucking blissed out on how blessed my existence is now that I’m no longer like you, beholden to you, or trapped by you.