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Winter, The Holidays, And how it seems so unreal...
14 years ago
General
I'm sitting here burning a cone incense in my new Buddha incense holder I received from my cousin yesterday, and I can't thank him enough. It's beautiful, and goes good on my Alter with all the other Buddha statues, etc, as well as smoking as I'm typing this. So here's my thoughts lately.
Lately... I've been feeling bored, and alone. It seems like a petty whine and cry out, but I had to go through a few things.
First, I'd like to say that moving back in with dad was a good Idea. My brother and I were always bickering about one thing or another, and even though I was welcome in his home, I missed being in the mountains. I've lived with Dad in this house for many years, and I guess it kinda grew on me. I love stepping outside into the night to watch as the pale moon lights up the surrounding snow covered mountains that turn the sky a beautiful blue. It's indescribable, and it's simply gorgeous. But in the end, He has his own life. His Wonderful wife and my sister in law, soon to make me an uncle again with their beautiful child, Jude. I can tell he's gonna be a great kid. But I knew that living with him and her, I'd just get in the way of their parenting. I have no place there telling them what to do. They have their lives. I thought of what I could do to help others instead.
So I moved back in with dad, Seeing as how he's getting on in years. He turned 48 last month, and I can tell he and my uncle terry are getting slowly worse with the things they abuse. Luckily for my dad, he managed to catch on before it got too bad. He went in for surgery, and had his gallbladder removed. He doesn't wake up and hack up bile like he used to, which I'm glad for. But not everything is all happy and dandy in the world of Benji.
While he was on his scheduled sick leave for recovery time after surgery, the stupid secretary pulled an ''Oops!'' And screwed up his time sheet. In turn, it cost my Dad $540 from his paycheck. We were miffed about it quite a bit.
((There goes Christmas!))
And now, turning to the weather, The cold up here is intense. Unfortunately, Our heaters broken, so we can't turn on the stat. Luckily, we have a fireplace. Unfortunately (For me, at least! x3) I have to bring in firewood. It's sometimes a hassle, but it's fun to move around and at least get good exercise.If there's one thing that annoys me, It's the fact I have to sleep with a robe on to stay warm, but then again, I do get to enjoy the comfortable feeling of a fluffy robe.
In other news, Things for my family are going kinda rough...
They say winter is a time of loss, and it couldn't be truer. on October 15th, My Uncle Harold passed away in his sleep in the hospital. He was 90. He served honorably In World War II in the 158th Army Air Drome Squadron as a communication corpsman and spoke of flying over the hump (the Himalayas) many times in large cargo and bomber planes.
Now this is where I wonder to myself if I'm heartless...
My mother's sister, Glenda, Passed away a few years before My uncle Harold. The this is, While Glenda was my mother's twin sister... My uncle Harold was my Grandpa's brother. I was a Pallbearer at my aunt Glenda's funeral... And I attended My Uncle Harold's funeral... But something bothered me deeply...
At both of the funerals... I didn't cry. I didn't shed a tear. Not so much as a sniffle. I showed my deepest condolences with respect and solemnly, but I felt terrible because... I had never really got to meet Either of them. I never knew them well enough to feel that sorry, to be able to cry. And I wonder to myself, ''What am I, that I cannot show emotion, even in the most saddening of times?''
I let that thought linger before I pushed on to other things.
I guess I feel alone because I don't have many friends to hang out with out here with dad, seeing as we live so far from town. Most of my best friends have moved away, leaving me behind in the little rail town, but I don't mind so much. I know that they have their lives to live, and I can't pin them down. But I do wish I had at least one of them here to hang out with.
I'm happy for my sister. She finally managed to get herself into the clear on all the debts for this month, and she's steadily working towards her goal on trying to learn something new and to be successful. I really hope that it will bring her much happiness and that she can become stable enough to support her and my niece.
And life seems to keep playing little quips and games with me. I feel somewhat ashamed of myself. My awful wireless kept dying and dying, and getting a connection out here was like standing in a line of 30 when there's servings for 10. The chance I'd get anything would be very small, and even then, it was only a small portion. Not having a job, I had to rely on my very loving and wonderful friend to help me pay for DSL. I gotta say I do love it, and love being able to check up on everyone to see how they're doing.
I managed to visit my cousins yesterday. It had been the first time in about 3-5 years that I have been out to their house and spent the night. It was strange and a little difficult to sleep, being away from home, but I managed. My cousin was nice enough to give me an extra Buddha for my alter, and I was pleased about that. But once again, Winter proves that it's about loss.
As soon as I got home, I had the house clean. Dishes, Done. Floor, swept and mopped. Fire, going. House, warm. Everything was literally perfect, except for the vacuuming I forgot to do. Dad steps in the door, and even though I LEFT him a note explaining where I had been the previous night, he's still a little miffed I didn't get anything out for dinner. I should have anyway, regardless. He said to make something for myself, so I decided, ''I can do that. He can still cook.'' Not 5 minutes after he jumps into his relaxation clothes to take it easy after a hard day at work, The landlady shows up looking nervous and flustered, and hands my dad a ''Notice To Quit'' Letter.
In other words, It basically said. ''Hey you. Yeah you, the people who live in this lot. You have exactly until January 10th of next year to Fix your skirting on your home, and apparently Resign a lease that states we live here, even though we've lived here for 10 FUCKING YEARS, Or you have to pack up everything, Trailer included, and GTFO.''
So Now I'm stressed over this. I know it's not a big deal, But honestly, the thought of moving away from this place tears at my heart. I couldn't just up and move somewhere else. I have lived in this town all my life. It's home. It's part of me. I know that one day, I may have to move and leave this town, to go elsewhere to branch out. And even though I think my dad is just teasing, when he said ''I'm about ready to just pack up and move to yadda yadda.'' It really did worry me. I have everything I need set up here, and I'm happy. I'm comfortable. But someone decided to rip open a nice present, take a shit in it, and hand it back to me, metaphorically speaking.
So Tomorrow, I've decided I've had it. I'm tired of this years last attempts to give me shit and make me miserable. You wanna play the ''Good Karma, Bad Karma''? Game? I've done things that have been good and very pleasing to me lately. I'm not going to let the Winter loss take what I have away. As a resident of where I live, I'm going to take it up with my Landlady. I'll ask her about the lease, and even bother to go so far as to ask for replacement skirting for my house, since that seems to be the big issue.
Well, for those of you who read this, sorry for making you read so much. I love you all. May God, Buddha, or whoever you worship send their prayers to you, with speed. Take care! Benji Kun.
Lately... I've been feeling bored, and alone. It seems like a petty whine and cry out, but I had to go through a few things.
First, I'd like to say that moving back in with dad was a good Idea. My brother and I were always bickering about one thing or another, and even though I was welcome in his home, I missed being in the mountains. I've lived with Dad in this house for many years, and I guess it kinda grew on me. I love stepping outside into the night to watch as the pale moon lights up the surrounding snow covered mountains that turn the sky a beautiful blue. It's indescribable, and it's simply gorgeous. But in the end, He has his own life. His Wonderful wife and my sister in law, soon to make me an uncle again with their beautiful child, Jude. I can tell he's gonna be a great kid. But I knew that living with him and her, I'd just get in the way of their parenting. I have no place there telling them what to do. They have their lives. I thought of what I could do to help others instead.
So I moved back in with dad, Seeing as how he's getting on in years. He turned 48 last month, and I can tell he and my uncle terry are getting slowly worse with the things they abuse. Luckily for my dad, he managed to catch on before it got too bad. He went in for surgery, and had his gallbladder removed. He doesn't wake up and hack up bile like he used to, which I'm glad for. But not everything is all happy and dandy in the world of Benji.
While he was on his scheduled sick leave for recovery time after surgery, the stupid secretary pulled an ''Oops!'' And screwed up his time sheet. In turn, it cost my Dad $540 from his paycheck. We were miffed about it quite a bit.
((There goes Christmas!))
And now, turning to the weather, The cold up here is intense. Unfortunately, Our heaters broken, so we can't turn on the stat. Luckily, we have a fireplace. Unfortunately (For me, at least! x3) I have to bring in firewood. It's sometimes a hassle, but it's fun to move around and at least get good exercise.If there's one thing that annoys me, It's the fact I have to sleep with a robe on to stay warm, but then again, I do get to enjoy the comfortable feeling of a fluffy robe.
In other news, Things for my family are going kinda rough...
They say winter is a time of loss, and it couldn't be truer. on October 15th, My Uncle Harold passed away in his sleep in the hospital. He was 90. He served honorably In World War II in the 158th Army Air Drome Squadron as a communication corpsman and spoke of flying over the hump (the Himalayas) many times in large cargo and bomber planes.
Now this is where I wonder to myself if I'm heartless...
My mother's sister, Glenda, Passed away a few years before My uncle Harold. The this is, While Glenda was my mother's twin sister... My uncle Harold was my Grandpa's brother. I was a Pallbearer at my aunt Glenda's funeral... And I attended My Uncle Harold's funeral... But something bothered me deeply...
At both of the funerals... I didn't cry. I didn't shed a tear. Not so much as a sniffle. I showed my deepest condolences with respect and solemnly, but I felt terrible because... I had never really got to meet Either of them. I never knew them well enough to feel that sorry, to be able to cry. And I wonder to myself, ''What am I, that I cannot show emotion, even in the most saddening of times?''
I let that thought linger before I pushed on to other things.
I guess I feel alone because I don't have many friends to hang out with out here with dad, seeing as we live so far from town. Most of my best friends have moved away, leaving me behind in the little rail town, but I don't mind so much. I know that they have their lives to live, and I can't pin them down. But I do wish I had at least one of them here to hang out with.
I'm happy for my sister. She finally managed to get herself into the clear on all the debts for this month, and she's steadily working towards her goal on trying to learn something new and to be successful. I really hope that it will bring her much happiness and that she can become stable enough to support her and my niece.
And life seems to keep playing little quips and games with me. I feel somewhat ashamed of myself. My awful wireless kept dying and dying, and getting a connection out here was like standing in a line of 30 when there's servings for 10. The chance I'd get anything would be very small, and even then, it was only a small portion. Not having a job, I had to rely on my very loving and wonderful friend to help me pay for DSL. I gotta say I do love it, and love being able to check up on everyone to see how they're doing.
I managed to visit my cousins yesterday. It had been the first time in about 3-5 years that I have been out to their house and spent the night. It was strange and a little difficult to sleep, being away from home, but I managed. My cousin was nice enough to give me an extra Buddha for my alter, and I was pleased about that. But once again, Winter proves that it's about loss.
As soon as I got home, I had the house clean. Dishes, Done. Floor, swept and mopped. Fire, going. House, warm. Everything was literally perfect, except for the vacuuming I forgot to do. Dad steps in the door, and even though I LEFT him a note explaining where I had been the previous night, he's still a little miffed I didn't get anything out for dinner. I should have anyway, regardless. He said to make something for myself, so I decided, ''I can do that. He can still cook.'' Not 5 minutes after he jumps into his relaxation clothes to take it easy after a hard day at work, The landlady shows up looking nervous and flustered, and hands my dad a ''Notice To Quit'' Letter.
In other words, It basically said. ''Hey you. Yeah you, the people who live in this lot. You have exactly until January 10th of next year to Fix your skirting on your home, and apparently Resign a lease that states we live here, even though we've lived here for 10 FUCKING YEARS, Or you have to pack up everything, Trailer included, and GTFO.''
So Now I'm stressed over this. I know it's not a big deal, But honestly, the thought of moving away from this place tears at my heart. I couldn't just up and move somewhere else. I have lived in this town all my life. It's home. It's part of me. I know that one day, I may have to move and leave this town, to go elsewhere to branch out. And even though I think my dad is just teasing, when he said ''I'm about ready to just pack up and move to yadda yadda.'' It really did worry me. I have everything I need set up here, and I'm happy. I'm comfortable. But someone decided to rip open a nice present, take a shit in it, and hand it back to me, metaphorically speaking.
So Tomorrow, I've decided I've had it. I'm tired of this years last attempts to give me shit and make me miserable. You wanna play the ''Good Karma, Bad Karma''? Game? I've done things that have been good and very pleasing to me lately. I'm not going to let the Winter loss take what I have away. As a resident of where I live, I'm going to take it up with my Landlady. I'll ask her about the lease, and even bother to go so far as to ask for replacement skirting for my house, since that seems to be the big issue.
Well, for those of you who read this, sorry for making you read so much. I love you all. May God, Buddha, or whoever you worship send their prayers to you, with speed. Take care! Benji Kun.
