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Wow, dusty in here. *sweep* *sweep* *sweep* Hello again.
14 years ago
Hi. Haven't been on in a long while, have I?
It's been a long journey I've been down. Tense roommate situation, impossible classes, sleep deprivation, a whole gambit of things that have gone every which way but right. Oh well.
I guess the one thing I've learned from all this is that I have friends out there. Maybe not many, but the ones I have found are true. They're shoulders to cry on, anchors in the storm, and lights in the darkness.
It's times like these, when we are the furthest down, the most out of sorts, that we truly need people like that. The people who remind us that no matter how much life might suck, there are those who still think we matter.
I'm not sure what I would have done these past few months without my friends. Without the people who care about me and who I care about in turn. Whether it's just spending some time talking, or logging onto the MUCK after a bad day and having four different people jump me at once, or simply hearing a cheery 'hello' before they dart off to take care of other things in their life, it's my friends that have helped me through this.
Forgive me if I ramble.
Songs... music... can convey so much more than simple words can. A powerful piece of music can describe a vicious battle better than even a million words on the page, or a hundred hours of documentaries, or really anything at all. Music can lift us up, wear us down, make us laugh, make us think, make us cry, or even make us stand dumbstruck.
It's times like these, when I'm feeling down, when the world's collapsing around my ears, and my friends are still there, that some certain songs simply speak to me. Give me... hope, I suppose. They help me realize more of what I'm really going through. And right now especially, there are a few lyrics that stand out in my mind.
This is so hard for me
To find the words to say
My thoughts are standing still
Captive inside of me
All emotions start to hide
And nothing's getting through
Watch me
Fading
I'm losing
All my instincts
Falling into darkness
Tear down these walls for me
Stop me from going under
You are the only one who knows
I'm holding back
It's not too late for me
To keep from sinking further
I'm trying to find my way out
Tear down these walls for me now
~~ From "These Walls", by Dream Theater ~~
There's a story in your eyes
I can see the hurt behind your smile
For every sign I recognize
Another one escapes me
Let me know what plagues your mind
Let me be the one to know you best
Be the one to hold you up
When you feel like you're sinking
Tell me once again
What's beneath the pain you're feeling
Don't abandon me
Or think you can't be saved
I walk beside you
Wherever you are
Whatever it takes
No matter how far
Through all that may come
And all that may go
I walk beside you
I walk beside you
~~ From "I Walk Beside You" by Dream Theater ~~
It challenges the essence of my soul
And leaves me in a state of disconnection
As I navigate the maze of self control
Playing a lion being led to a cage
I turn from a thief to a beggar
From a god to God save me
How can I feel abandoned, even when the world surrounds me
How can I bite the hand that feeds the strangers all around me
How can I know so many
Never really knowing anyone
If I seem superhuman
I have been
Misunderstood
~~ From "Misunderstood", by Dream Theater ~~
These songs do speak to me, resonate with me, in ways I can't really describe. The first is a song I hear myself singing to the world, to my friends, as it seems blacker than black... "Tear down these walls for me... stop me from going under." A cry for help, from these pits of blackness.
The second is a song I hear myself singing to those I care the most about. A promise to be there for them, always. "I walk beside you... wherever you are... whatever it takes... no matter how far." I'll always be there for them, I'll always be willing to help, no matter what happens.
The third is a song I hear myself singing as the deadlines, the work, the expectations all pile up, and I feel so alone. "...from a thief to a beggar, from a god to God save me... how can I feel abandoned, even when the world surrounds me... how can I bite the hand that feeds the strangers all around me... how can I know so many, never really knowing anyone... if I seem superhuman, I have been misunderstood." For all that I seem to be on the outside... strong, smart, capable, stable... I'm just human. I'm fragile at my core. I'm not the perfect human. I've been misunderstood.
I hear myself singing these songs a lot more often in these days, crying out for help and understanding as I help my friends stay afloat. Some days, I'm not sure how I survived. Yet there's a song I hear others singing to me, all the while... sometimes my own songs drown it out, sometimes I'm too far away to hear it... but when I can, I remember why I stay.
It's a song I haven't found an artist sing yet... perhaps grief makes for better music than joy. But it's a song I'm sure we've all heard, in one form or another. That song of promise. That song that tells us, there are people out there – not just one, but several – who care, who think we matter, who know we matter. Who go out of their way to cheer us up because that smile we give afterwards is all the reward they ever need. That song of promise that tells us we aren't alone in the world. Its music may not be the most enticing, or the best composed, or the best arranged... it might slip under the noise of all the other songs we hear... but when we can hear it, it's the truest song of all.
I think we forget that. I think I've forgotten that, in the past. A moment where I forgot how many people care led me to months upon months of horrifying depression. Months where that soft song of promise was drowned out by songs of sadness.
It was my friends who helped me hear that song again.
Never let that song fade. Let people hear that song, and listen for it yourself. Even in darkness, there can always be some light to be found. Find it.
We aren't all superhuman. We've all got some walls trapping us. We all need someone to walk beside us.
And sometimes...
If we just open our eyes...
That person we need to walk beside us...
Is already there.
Ready.
Waiting.
A lamp in one hand, the other held out to you.
"Come."
"Let's get out of this darkness."
And if you're lucky...
And in some way, we all are...
This person will lead you to others...
Others who will take your hand...
And lead you from the darkness.
They're there for you.
They always have.
Some patient...
Others not...
But when you need them...
They'll guide you from the darkness...
And help you find the light again.
I don't know if I've found mine yet.
It's dark between me and the people I can see.
They used to be right with me.
Then one day they seemed to leave...
Though perhaps I left them.
They came back recently.
Close enough for me to see them.
I should go to them.
Find the light again.
But I don't want to try.
They're too far away.
I'm too scared I'll fall.
But their light comforts me.
Even from as far away as they are.
Because I know someday...
One of them will come to me.
They'll take my hand.
They'll pull me out of the darkness...
And help me find the light again.
It's been a long journey, my life. A long time spent wondering if I'll ever survive. If I'll lose that light forever to the darkness. But I think... I think I'm finding it again.
Never lose that light. Don't let others lose that light. Find the people who matter to you, and who feel that you matter. Stick together.
And find your way out of the darkness.
It's been a long journey I've been down. Tense roommate situation, impossible classes, sleep deprivation, a whole gambit of things that have gone every which way but right. Oh well.
I guess the one thing I've learned from all this is that I have friends out there. Maybe not many, but the ones I have found are true. They're shoulders to cry on, anchors in the storm, and lights in the darkness.
It's times like these, when we are the furthest down, the most out of sorts, that we truly need people like that. The people who remind us that no matter how much life might suck, there are those who still think we matter.
I'm not sure what I would have done these past few months without my friends. Without the people who care about me and who I care about in turn. Whether it's just spending some time talking, or logging onto the MUCK after a bad day and having four different people jump me at once, or simply hearing a cheery 'hello' before they dart off to take care of other things in their life, it's my friends that have helped me through this.
Forgive me if I ramble.
Songs... music... can convey so much more than simple words can. A powerful piece of music can describe a vicious battle better than even a million words on the page, or a hundred hours of documentaries, or really anything at all. Music can lift us up, wear us down, make us laugh, make us think, make us cry, or even make us stand dumbstruck.
It's times like these, when I'm feeling down, when the world's collapsing around my ears, and my friends are still there, that some certain songs simply speak to me. Give me... hope, I suppose. They help me realize more of what I'm really going through. And right now especially, there are a few lyrics that stand out in my mind.
~~This is so hard for me
To find the words to say
My thoughts are standing still
Captive inside of me
All emotions start to hide
And nothing's getting through
Watch me
Fading
I'm losing
All my instincts
Falling into darkness
Tear down these walls for me
Stop me from going under
You are the only one who knows
I'm holding back
It's not too late for me
To keep from sinking further
I'm trying to find my way out
Tear down these walls for me now
~~ From "These Walls", by Dream Theater ~~
~~There's a story in your eyes
I can see the hurt behind your smile
For every sign I recognize
Another one escapes me
Let me know what plagues your mind
Let me be the one to know you best
Be the one to hold you up
When you feel like you're sinking
Tell me once again
What's beneath the pain you're feeling
Don't abandon me
Or think you can't be saved
I walk beside you
Wherever you are
Whatever it takes
No matter how far
Through all that may come
And all that may go
I walk beside you
I walk beside you
~~ From "I Walk Beside You" by Dream Theater ~~
~~It challenges the essence of my soul
And leaves me in a state of disconnection
As I navigate the maze of self control
Playing a lion being led to a cage
I turn from a thief to a beggar
From a god to God save me
How can I feel abandoned, even when the world surrounds me
How can I bite the hand that feeds the strangers all around me
How can I know so many
Never really knowing anyone
If I seem superhuman
I have been
Misunderstood
~~ From "Misunderstood", by Dream Theater ~~
~~These songs do speak to me, resonate with me, in ways I can't really describe. The first is a song I hear myself singing to the world, to my friends, as it seems blacker than black... "Tear down these walls for me... stop me from going under." A cry for help, from these pits of blackness.
The second is a song I hear myself singing to those I care the most about. A promise to be there for them, always. "I walk beside you... wherever you are... whatever it takes... no matter how far." I'll always be there for them, I'll always be willing to help, no matter what happens.
The third is a song I hear myself singing as the deadlines, the work, the expectations all pile up, and I feel so alone. "...from a thief to a beggar, from a god to God save me... how can I feel abandoned, even when the world surrounds me... how can I bite the hand that feeds the strangers all around me... how can I know so many, never really knowing anyone... if I seem superhuman, I have been misunderstood." For all that I seem to be on the outside... strong, smart, capable, stable... I'm just human. I'm fragile at my core. I'm not the perfect human. I've been misunderstood.
I hear myself singing these songs a lot more often in these days, crying out for help and understanding as I help my friends stay afloat. Some days, I'm not sure how I survived. Yet there's a song I hear others singing to me, all the while... sometimes my own songs drown it out, sometimes I'm too far away to hear it... but when I can, I remember why I stay.
It's a song I haven't found an artist sing yet... perhaps grief makes for better music than joy. But it's a song I'm sure we've all heard, in one form or another. That song of promise. That song that tells us, there are people out there – not just one, but several – who care, who think we matter, who know we matter. Who go out of their way to cheer us up because that smile we give afterwards is all the reward they ever need. That song of promise that tells us we aren't alone in the world. Its music may not be the most enticing, or the best composed, or the best arranged... it might slip under the noise of all the other songs we hear... but when we can hear it, it's the truest song of all.
I think we forget that. I think I've forgotten that, in the past. A moment where I forgot how many people care led me to months upon months of horrifying depression. Months where that soft song of promise was drowned out by songs of sadness.
It was my friends who helped me hear that song again.
Never let that song fade. Let people hear that song, and listen for it yourself. Even in darkness, there can always be some light to be found. Find it.
We aren't all superhuman. We've all got some walls trapping us. We all need someone to walk beside us.
And sometimes...
If we just open our eyes...
That person we need to walk beside us...
Is already there.
Ready.
Waiting.
A lamp in one hand, the other held out to you.
"Come."
"Let's get out of this darkness."
And if you're lucky...
And in some way, we all are...
This person will lead you to others...
Others who will take your hand...
And lead you from the darkness.
They're there for you.
They always have.
Some patient...
Others not...
But when you need them...
They'll guide you from the darkness...
And help you find the light again.
I don't know if I've found mine yet.
It's dark between me and the people I can see.
They used to be right with me.
Then one day they seemed to leave...
Though perhaps I left them.
They came back recently.
Close enough for me to see them.
I should go to them.
Find the light again.
But I don't want to try.
They're too far away.
I'm too scared I'll fall.
But their light comforts me.
Even from as far away as they are.
Because I know someday...
One of them will come to me.
They'll take my hand.
They'll pull me out of the darkness...
And help me find the light again.
~~It's been a long journey, my life. A long time spent wondering if I'll ever survive. If I'll lose that light forever to the darkness. But I think... I think I'm finding it again.
Never lose that light. Don't let others lose that light. Find the people who matter to you, and who feel that you matter. Stick together.
And find your way out of the darkness.
Anyways, glad to see you're still about. I definitely know how roommates and classes can be...If you ever want to talk to anyone else, you have my MSN. And if you're still in the midst of finals, good luck!
I remember the first semester I had. Lots of studying little free time. But I made it through.
Knowing you through the muck; I know you are a strong individual, and a great friend. Sorry I haven't been there for ya, as I have been sorting myself out the past few months. Looking to see you on the muck in the future. And I know what you mean about clearing out the dust, I need to check in on things more often so I don't have stacks of stuff to sort through.