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Respect in the community
14 years ago
General
Often people talk about non-furries attacking furries, but I do remember reading that furries are the biggest trolls of other furries. I think that's true. For a community that pretty much demands tolerance from others, there's a huge amount of intolerance of others from within. "Oh I'm not one of THOSE furries who have sex in fursuits, those are sick weirdos, I'M not like that." (Does it really matter? I think it's weird to spend so much money on something nice like a fursuit and ruin it by having sex in it, but whatever...if that's what they wanna do, y'know? *shrug*)
It seems so hard for people, especially furries, to have a live and let live attitude. Obviously if someone does or likes something one doesn't like, they have to make a huge deal of it going out of their way to mock others who do like it. I've seen a lot of artwork mocking art styles or fetishes and such. Fetishes are the weirdest in that aspect. Does it make sense to you for someone who has a strange or obscure fetish to mock or insult someone else who has another strange or obscure fetish? I remember seeing on a forum ABs (Adult babies) making fun of people with a balloon fetish like the balloons were the weird things, completely unironically too. (Interestingly, I find ABs and babyfurs the most intolerant, it's like the more flak a community gets from outsiders, the more jerkish the community is.) I've had some tell me omorashi was unsanitary by someone who was obsessed with hard yaoi. That was pretty funny.
In reality, the furry community is just as clique-ish as a high school. You have furs that like one thing attacking those who like another thing, being exclusive about who they want in their "group", all that stuff. But they don't want to admit that they are no different from the same people who treated them badly. In high school I never fit in anywhere, and it's the same thing here.
It's fine to express dislike. Vore disgusts the hell out of me, but I'm not going to spend my time whining and hating on people who do. If I happen to come across it by accident, I just look away. If someone I know likes it or posts it (and I know plenty who do) I won't attack them for it. I like what I like and they like what they like. Shouldn't be a problem unless they try to force it on me. If they do, I'll just block them.
Anyway, I don't get why it's so hard for people to just deal with other people being different from them. It's especially weird in communities like this, because they constantly complain about getting attacked because of perceived differences, yet they do the exact same thing to others. I don't expect people to get along and be happy sunshine all the time, but it's still pretty rude. It shouldn't be so difficult to be like "Oh, this is different, I don't understand it, I don't like it...but that's okay, especially because I like things that are weird to others too. Different strokes for different folks as they say." As long as it's not hurting anyone who doesn't want to get hurt, I think it's fine. But apparently that view is rare...if you respect other people, I respect you too.
On an unrelated note, it's weird when suffering becomes a competition. Everyone has problems, some worse than others. But everyone's problems are valid. I've seen so many people act like they win some sort of competition because of how bad their life is, and try to one-up others when they talk about their problems. I can understand just regular ranting, but I see this so often and it's rather tiresome. In me it tends to produce the opposite effect (they are trying to gain sympathy but it makes me lose it instead.) Everyone deserves to have their feelings validated, they shouldn't have to act like they are the most important person in the world to get it.
It seems so hard for people, especially furries, to have a live and let live attitude. Obviously if someone does or likes something one doesn't like, they have to make a huge deal of it going out of their way to mock others who do like it. I've seen a lot of artwork mocking art styles or fetishes and such. Fetishes are the weirdest in that aspect. Does it make sense to you for someone who has a strange or obscure fetish to mock or insult someone else who has another strange or obscure fetish? I remember seeing on a forum ABs (Adult babies) making fun of people with a balloon fetish like the balloons were the weird things, completely unironically too. (Interestingly, I find ABs and babyfurs the most intolerant, it's like the more flak a community gets from outsiders, the more jerkish the community is.) I've had some tell me omorashi was unsanitary by someone who was obsessed with hard yaoi. That was pretty funny.
In reality, the furry community is just as clique-ish as a high school. You have furs that like one thing attacking those who like another thing, being exclusive about who they want in their "group", all that stuff. But they don't want to admit that they are no different from the same people who treated them badly. In high school I never fit in anywhere, and it's the same thing here.
It's fine to express dislike. Vore disgusts the hell out of me, but I'm not going to spend my time whining and hating on people who do. If I happen to come across it by accident, I just look away. If someone I know likes it or posts it (and I know plenty who do) I won't attack them for it. I like what I like and they like what they like. Shouldn't be a problem unless they try to force it on me. If they do, I'll just block them.
Anyway, I don't get why it's so hard for people to just deal with other people being different from them. It's especially weird in communities like this, because they constantly complain about getting attacked because of perceived differences, yet they do the exact same thing to others. I don't expect people to get along and be happy sunshine all the time, but it's still pretty rude. It shouldn't be so difficult to be like "Oh, this is different, I don't understand it, I don't like it...but that's okay, especially because I like things that are weird to others too. Different strokes for different folks as they say." As long as it's not hurting anyone who doesn't want to get hurt, I think it's fine. But apparently that view is rare...if you respect other people, I respect you too.
On an unrelated note, it's weird when suffering becomes a competition. Everyone has problems, some worse than others. But everyone's problems are valid. I've seen so many people act like they win some sort of competition because of how bad their life is, and try to one-up others when they talk about their problems. I can understand just regular ranting, but I see this so often and it's rather tiresome. In me it tends to produce the opposite effect (they are trying to gain sympathy but it makes me lose it instead.) Everyone deserves to have their feelings validated, they shouldn't have to act like they are the most important person in the world to get it.
It's so true though. I find it hilariously hypocritical when someone who's into one "weird" fetish attacks someone who's into a different one. It's pretty sad though. The same people who demand tolerance end up taking their insecurities on others, and ultimately create an endless cycle of hate and judgement.
And so so so true on your unrelated note. I hate it when people treat suffering like a competition.
I think such judgement is why the community gets attacked so much. Not so much because of what they do/like but how they act. Like they are special or something. That it's okay to insult everybody else, but not whatever they are into. We're all freaks in a different way.
I think the 'suffering is a competition' attitude is why people have such a problem voicing their own problems. I know I have a problem with it. I mean I have MS, but I feel like I shouldn't complain because I have medical insurance and a lot of people don't. A lot of people get that response when they voice their concerns, so I think a lot of us learn to keep quiet about what upsets up. What other people say to us ends up becoming our inner voice.
Part of the problem, based on what I know, is that a lot of furries are High School and/or College aged (13 - 25). As such, it's kind of hard to not carry over real life elements into the virual world. Moreover, for someone who is put down in real life it is a great feeling to be the one in power via an online community. For some, it could be seen as a "My way of getting even" / "If I can't get respect here, I'll get it there!" What do you think?
I've been a part of FA for over 3 years now and consider myself EXTREMELY lucky to have not once been trolled. Being a babyfur / diaperfur who is as open about it as I am, I definately would have expected some assault to have come about by now. Though, *knock on wood* I am grateful for how well received I have been and how I can help others feel as welcome as they helped me feel when I first joined as a shy, little dino-duckling. :)
As for the unrelated note, it bites when you see folks go on-and-on in journals about this bad thing and that bad thing. It is good to rant and it is good to keep your pals in the know. However, too much dark is a real burnout both in virtual life as it is in real life.
The best example I can give is how my wife, son, and I have no family and friends where we live. During the time I didn't know if my sight would ever clear up post eye bleed, I just kept having anxiety rush after anxiety rush with my wife about whether-or-not I really was getting better. This eventually brought her to tell me how she needed me to get ahold of myself as day-after-day-after-day of me going on-and-on about it was not healthy for either me or her. This lead me to seek therapy and better meds that, thanks to both, got me where I happily am now.
Bottom line if you are that bad off you need to do something about it. The first step is always the hardest, but you'll be thankful, as will those around you, to see that you can do more than complain. Moreover, as you are making an effort, people will be more inclined to show sympathy and support if they know you are truly on-board with making yourself the best person you can be. :)
Honestly I don't think it's about being a babyfur that gets them trolled. You act very mature (I knew a babyfur who was older than you who had the maturity of a young child...not surprisingly, they were trolled a lot), aren't obnoxious or whiny, and don't try to force your opinions down other peoples throats. You respect others and don't hate on others for being different. You're a guy who just happens to like cutsey stuff and diapers, rather than someone who is a drama-llama, attention whore, and acts like a baby all the time.
A lot of people don't seem to realize that talking about bad things and their problems all the time can really weigh on their friends and family and make them sad too. I know from personal experience people can't help but be depressed, but it's a lot more respectable when they realize they have a problem and try to do something about it rather than complain all the time. Especially if the complaints are rude in nature and they act like they are the only ones who have problems that are valid. I find it hard to sympathize when people do that...and I'm a very sympathetic person and sympathize with a lot of people/situations that most people don't want to/can't. They also can't rely on another person completely. I can totally understand and sympathize with this, but when they end up getting hurt because of it or end up being unable to do anything on their own because they rely on another person so much, it confuses me as to how they didn't realize that would happen and why didn't they use the help the other person gives them as a crutch to help them help themselves. Too many people rely on significant others to validate themselves for example, and are devistated when they break up. This should not happen. I understand being upset for a while over a breakup, but the other person should never ever be the sole purpose of your life.
A lesson I have had to accept on my end is how it really is okay to have strong bonds with people beyond my wife. At first, I thought trusting and being super-open with close friends was taking away from what made my relationship so special. It wasn't long though until I learned how wrong this thought was.
My therapist actually put it best in how I love to be and feel. This being that it is okay to have different types of love. My wife is the only person I could ever see myself waking up and going to bed with every day of my entire life. However, I do have special friends, like yourself, to whom I am very grateful to have to whom I can relate with at levels my wife and I just can't. This doesn't take away from my wife. No. Rather, it just means I know where to go when I need advice at a certain time and to whom I can count on beyond being an eternal badger to my wife alone.
Being abele to hear, take in, and process multiple POVs is very important when overcoming a major life experience, too. I recently had an epic fall-out with my wife that, without Bosky and my therapist I'd not have grown as much as a person from. My wife and I are now better than ever as we have learned more about ourselves and I came to a greater understanding of how my own catastrophizing is my own worse enemy. If I had done this all through my wife alone, I'd have gained nothing. However, thanks to outside opinions and thoughts, I learned lots of valuable lessons that have allowed me to grow into an even better person despite what happened. *Flutters* Gaboo!
You, Aura, are also one to whom I consider an elite friend. For as much as you give me credit for my ability to overcome life's roubles, I must admit how much I look on your successes and think, "If Aura can do it, so can I!" This is the true power of friendship. Should one of us fall, the other is there to keep the energy going. In the end, through our shared successes and determination, I know we'll both achieve worlds of amazing things in which I can honestly say, without you, I wouldn't be able to do. Thus, through friendship, we are able to continue to leap-frog on our achievements to ensure we never stop until the day we take our final breath.