Valentines is coming up. I've dedicated this month to chasing my fellow single lasses around into flirtatious deviation and creating general closeness to those who have been faithful to me. But there's been one small failure on my mind that I have to get off my mind. It isn't easy, because when your failure is constantly reminding you, it makes the recovery process slower. But that being said, Here's the small thing I've been ventilating to my friends about. I figured I'd get it out here so I can seal it away.

I've been on pursuit of a love interest of mine for about three months. It didn't go well at all. To look on the bright side, at least I wasn't spat on. There was one lass I had my eyes on. One thing about a male is that when they want to devote themselves to someone, they are painstakingly certain. Or at least, this is something that applies to me. Society has created fear for males in being married or otherwise enduring in a relationship. That certainty happened towards the love interest that I had. What I was aware of was that despite such a serious crush, the odds were painfully stacked against me. Different continent, the use of only the web, the predicaments on both ends, friends' opinions, funding, it seems like everything was stacked against me, but I tried anyways.

As expected, I failed to win her over, and accepted the failure gracefully. Except.. when I realized other aspects to said failure, it was only then that I started feeling let down. Ultimately, she just didn't seem to care. Yeah, the downfall of the pursuit was the fact that she didn't give a damn. There was little reciprocation. That was the reason. When it comes to TRUE attraction to someone, when you desire someone, they will create time for you. Not only will they create time for you, but the plan will be down to the last minute as to when it will happen. when they are NOT attracted to you, be certain that they will state any legitimate factor to prove their busyness or just flat out ignore you. I was so crushed out that I dismissed the signs that she wasn't interested enough to make room for even a get-to-know-you conversation.

I was always calling her, and she never called me back and seldom returned. I would literally IM her a dozen times or more, just to get one response from her over a course of 20 days, for example. I gave her the benefit of doubt from her troubles, offered a shoulder to hug.. but I think that mistake just tossed me into the friend zone. She hardly found my humor engaging. But the biggest disadvantage was probably due to how this was all done on the web. Seems some people just can't engage in affection that way.

But I know now from experience that an unreciprocated crush serves as a big blow to one's self esteem. With all of this, I also blame my failure to express myself properly. I figured I'd take the risk, because I yearn too much for such a thing, and that some risks are worth taking. Though I don't think I'll EVER have a certainty that powerful for many years to come. Perhaps I should just settle on what I do better; shagging. At least that way I can feel physical contact and make believe that it's surefire love.