I would implore anyone that knows or cares back me to please read this to the end.

I really don't know where to start with this, I'm so devastated its hard to put it into words but as I've been getting a lot of PMs and texts this seemed to be the best and biggest way to clear the air. Some of you know me, some of you may watch me just for the art, so feel free to carry on with your day, this is all purely personal stuff.

Theres been a lot of drama recently that I felt was causing undue amounts of stress to me, I've known for a long time that I have heart arrhythmia and I should be on medication to control the bouts I get when under stress, its painful and feels like a mini heart attack and something i really don't enjoy so while I don't normally take the stuff because of the increase in attacks I went down to my doctors to talk about getting a higher dose maybe, but I got some other news instead when they decided to ECG me.

I found out that my heart condition is progressively getting worse, its gotten to the point where its actually a danger and has been having worrying effects on me.
I've been told today that I have heart disease known as Atrial fibrillation or AF if anyone wants to look it up they can, its basically a problem in the sinus node signals that control the rhythm of the heart, causing arrhythmia attacks. A person with atrial fibrillation is six times more likely to have a stroke and twice as likely to die as someone with a normal heart rhythm, due to the way clots can built up in the heart.

For about 4-5 weeks my mood and demeanour has changed drastically, I'll have huge mood swing boughts of paranoia and I've been prone to lash out. I found out today its because I'm been having very small partial strokes for a long time now affecting the chemistry of my brain, its why I've been experiencing shoulder pains and pain down my left arm side.

I'm not using this as an excuse, and I'm not telling people because I want anyone to feel sorry for me, or because I want the attention, I just thought some people deserve to know. I've lost friends, my boyfriend left me, I've lost pretty much everything over this, and how I acted by pushing people away and goading them, while I'd love to say "Oh I wasn't acting myself" ultimately I still acted the way I did, and I'd rather be accountable.
So for those friends who've stuck by me, and infact been supporting me (even though I've often pushed them away) these past few weeks, I honestly love you with all my (broken) heart. Especially people a large group of people I've been spending a lot of my time with, I wont name names, they could all tell I wasn't myself and have done nothing but try to help me. Sitting up with me for hours while I cried and went from one polar opposite to the next.

So whats next? I'll be avoiding the internet for a while, its just too stressful and honestly painful to look at all the mess I've caused and lost. I will be sticking to my commission deadlines though, so dont worry. I'll be in and out of hospital for the next few weeks trying to find a combination of meds like blood thinners and beta blockers that work, but sadly I'll probably be fursuiting much less than I was.

I don't know what else to say really ... I guess if anyone has any questions they can ask what they like. I truely am thankful to anyone who stood by me and I'm sorry to anyone I hurt. I'd just more than anything else like to be left alone for a while ...


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