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long fucking road
18 years ago
General
WARNING - this journal contains depressing info about recent goings-on. Not as bad as the last one. I've got a better grasp on things... kinda.
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Well, first off i'd like to thank you folks for the kind words & well wishes. It helped. I would have been a mess otherwise.
So i've pretty much figured out what's wrong with my eyes. A little something called HPPD, as well as lattice degeneration... for good measure i suppose :/
So this shit is partially my fault. Unbeknownst, yes, but still my own doing. I thought acid was harmless for the most part, at least for a single try... now i can't even have a beer without aggravating my condition. Even caffein makes it worse.
Basically, i can never smoke weed (among other things) ever again if i want my eyes to get better... alright, i can live with that. But even so, it'll take months, even YEARS, before i see any manner of progression. It's already been two months... nothing yet.
I got the lattice degeneration diagnosis after a good hour & 45 on the phone, being transfered from one person to the next then back to the first & so-on. don't know why the doctor couldn't have just told me when i was right there in front of him. I do believe opthamologists are trained to assume you're lying unless you are clearly well on your way to blindness.
So thanks to the degeneration, there's new floaters every week or so. My vitreous is like a fucking kelp bed. I jest my smoking habits initiated all this. As it turns out, 2-3 bowls a day for six years = not so good for the brain-pan :0
The good news is that there is no sign of retinal detachment whatsoever. Weakness, yes, but no holes or tears. My vision is quite good. I'd go so far as to say it's too good (MRI actually showed too much activity in the occipital lobes).
All the should've, could've, would've shit won't help me one bit. As my dad says, "Eyb bobe volt gehat eyer, volt zi gevezn a zeyde" - (If my grandmother had balls, she'd have been my grandfather).
I'm just doing my best to maintain optimism. I'll just keep doin' my thing. it's all i can do, really. My job keeps me busy & sculpture is the best art form i can go for at the moment.
Another bit of sadness. We had to put my dog to sleep this past tuesday. Couldn't eat, couldn't walk... she had to go.
A little back history -
She was born in my house... i think it was 94. the runt in a litter of 10 golden retrievers (the only one we kept). Guess you could say we grew up together. She ended up out-living the whole litter (Would've been 14 this May).
We miss her very much. the house feels almost hollow. i'm just spending a lot of time with my mom, helping with the garden & such.
I had stopped drawing indefinitely (trouble working on blank surfaces), but i've decided to try and make the best of a bad situation.
So yeh, expect some cool things in the near future :]
________________________________________________
Well, first off i'd like to thank you folks for the kind words & well wishes. It helped. I would have been a mess otherwise.
So i've pretty much figured out what's wrong with my eyes. A little something called HPPD, as well as lattice degeneration... for good measure i suppose :/
So this shit is partially my fault. Unbeknownst, yes, but still my own doing. I thought acid was harmless for the most part, at least for a single try... now i can't even have a beer without aggravating my condition. Even caffein makes it worse.
Basically, i can never smoke weed (among other things) ever again if i want my eyes to get better... alright, i can live with that. But even so, it'll take months, even YEARS, before i see any manner of progression. It's already been two months... nothing yet.
I got the lattice degeneration diagnosis after a good hour & 45 on the phone, being transfered from one person to the next then back to the first & so-on. don't know why the doctor couldn't have just told me when i was right there in front of him. I do believe opthamologists are trained to assume you're lying unless you are clearly well on your way to blindness.
So thanks to the degeneration, there's new floaters every week or so. My vitreous is like a fucking kelp bed. I jest my smoking habits initiated all this. As it turns out, 2-3 bowls a day for six years = not so good for the brain-pan :0
The good news is that there is no sign of retinal detachment whatsoever. Weakness, yes, but no holes or tears. My vision is quite good. I'd go so far as to say it's too good (MRI actually showed too much activity in the occipital lobes).
All the should've, could've, would've shit won't help me one bit. As my dad says, "Eyb bobe volt gehat eyer, volt zi gevezn a zeyde" - (If my grandmother had balls, she'd have been my grandfather).
I'm just doing my best to maintain optimism. I'll just keep doin' my thing. it's all i can do, really. My job keeps me busy & sculpture is the best art form i can go for at the moment.
Another bit of sadness. We had to put my dog to sleep this past tuesday. Couldn't eat, couldn't walk... she had to go.
A little back history -
She was born in my house... i think it was 94. the runt in a litter of 10 golden retrievers (the only one we kept). Guess you could say we grew up together. She ended up out-living the whole litter (Would've been 14 this May).
We miss her very much. the house feels almost hollow. i'm just spending a lot of time with my mom, helping with the garden & such.
I had stopped drawing indefinitely (trouble working on blank surfaces), but i've decided to try and make the best of a bad situation.
So yeh, expect some cool things in the near future :]
WE HAVE A PLATONIC LOVE
AND THAT IS THE BEST KIND OF LOVE.
THE KIND OF PLATONIC LOVE THAT TRANSCENDS THE INTERNET.
THATS HOW MUCH I PLATONICALLY LOVE YOU.
I HOPE IVE KINDOF MADE YOU FEEL BETTER FOR A MOMENT.
and many to come, i should hope :D
That's pretty inspiring, man. Keep rocking the positive vibe, and I look forward to checking out what you produce as you post it up ^_^
it's folks like you and kind, encouraging words like these that get me up in the morning. Thank you.
I'm looking forward to the results as well (:
it's a real mystery as to how things will turn out... haven't made anything in so long.
btw, sorry takin' so long replying. shit's still pretty crazy :/
it certainly is good news :]
And my condolenses for your dog - i remember what it's like when that happens. Especially the persisting emptyness in the house. :|
& thank you for the kind thoughts & sympathy. Every bit helps tremendously.
Also I'm really sorry to hear about your dog. We got our dog Buddha when I was about 5 or 6, and the thought of him dying is enough to make me want to cry sometimes, so I can only imagine how hard it must be to live with the emptiness she left behind.
I can't wait to see some new art from you; I been jonesin', son!!
( Btw thanks for the heads up about dropping acid. @_@ I had no idea it could have that effect on someone. Now I'm a little bit more hesitant to try it... Also, it sucks that you can't light up anymore, but maybe being sober will take your art in a new direction?)
as for art, i'm more than happy to supply. Soon as it's made, i shall post. Work's just been sucking my recreation time, but at least it keeps me focused... stops my mind from wandering, as it were.
Thanks for the props, yo!!!
& yes, i'd suggest you do EXTENSIVE research before delving into lysergics. It is fun, but fun ain't worth fucking your shit up, seen?
I'm praying nothing else turns up :l
There's nothing for it but to go through the grief. Let it go through you. You're honoring all that your pup gave you. My heart's with you, mister. I wish there was more that I could give, but my friendship and support, man, you've got it, fulls top.
You've got the right attitude about your eyes, just keep at it. Maybe this will get you way down now and then. Just don't let it keep you there. There's adventures ahead, me bucko, and a world waiting for you. Take it by the balls, man. Take it and make it yours.
I might have to pass on a fair few of your outdoor artings, though i shall be there, soon as the eyeballs improve some.
Next step is a Prague trip.
Slav Epic, here i come!!!
If you need a big fool to carry your luggage, I volunteer.
PLEASE TAKE PICTURES OF THE EPIC. PLEASE oh PLEASE.
The outings will be here when you're ready. Just get better. That's what matters to me. *hugs*
& you said it, man... she was like my sister.
It took about 9 months for it to finally wear off. Mind you, this was with continued smoking, so if you're ceasing that then hopefully yours will get better a lot sooner...
Good luck with your eye issues. Keep optimistic!
And I'm so sorry about your dog. Hope things will get better for you..
thanks for the kind thoughts. i definitely will keep optimistic :]