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Odd unknown feelings
14 years ago
General
Well guys, here I am again. I hate adding my thoughts here as there is enough drama in the fandom without my help, but I feel getting this out of my mind and on something is better than keeping it in my head much longer. So, here goes. Care to read on if you wish. (As if anyone is going to read this Journal anywho)
These last few months have been an interesting journey for me, I've had new experiences, met new people, tried to become more social, and found out things about me I needed to know, and that has made me very happy. The biggest plus is being with my master, whom I hold a deep love and adoration for and if not for him I wouldn't be typing this today. You see furries, this wolf bat wasn't always as happy go lucky as he seems. There were times I almost left the fandom, and even this world, but thanks to my Master I am still here. I've been down to the bottom of the barrel, a place I never want to see again, and he was able to yank me from out of my hole. I honestly don't know why I'm spilling all this to random strangers and some friends, but eh...I just need an outlet for this emotion. Anyway, I have always been shown a mixture of fear, respect, and contempt my whole life. Teased, ridiculed, and bullied as a kid which led to my severe drop in self esteem by my teen years. Now granted, maybe I could have done something to stop it all, but I didn't and I live with that. It has been my appearance which has both intimidated, and caused me grief from others but I have tried to grow and accept me for how I am. But the reason I fell so far only over a year ago after dealt with it my whole life, is that when even your own family sees you how everyone else has your whole life, you take a hard hit. I know, I know, what a dumbass reason for thinking of ending things right? Well that may be so but you must see it from my angle, I've always been the way I am and to suddenly hear my own family reveal their true feelings about my appearance was a heavy blow cause I was raised to believe family was a rare thing to treasure, and that was broken that day. *sigh* Why am I even writing this? I don't have even the foggiest clue really.
That aside, I am happy my Master did save me that day and I owe him a debt I doubt I could repay. Cause now I have not only my Master, but a great Pet as well and a wonderful Mate. All of them behind me makes me strong. Though today I don't feel very strong. The real reason I need to vent this is that I am really going through emotions, one of severe homesickness, and my esteem being absolute zero. Yeah, yeah, I'm digging a hole and I know it. I won't make an excuse against it. Because I honestly feel like shit, not physically but mentally. Master and my Pet both keep telling me the same thing, and I try hard to believe them as I trust them and my Mate with my life, but I guess a life time of being brought down by friends, and society itself has made a little place somewhere in the back recesses of my brain that keep this scar from healing. Society demands perfection, as do most everyone. I can't live up to that perfection, of that I am certain. I've seen what people find attractive, sexy, hot, etc and I am far from any of those things no matter what I'm told, attraction is physical and mental, and even though I may be mentally attractive, its the physical that always gets me.
I know I will probably get in trouble for all this later. I tried very hard not to dig this hole, I really did guys. I apologize for digging Pet, this came on my all of a sudden. And Master, sorry to you as well. I don't know why I felt like this today, but I just needed to get this off my chest, even if for a little while.
To anyone curious about anything said, you know how to contact me. No one will read this probably so I'll delete it in a day or so anyway.
Sincerely,
Khaos of Envy
These last few months have been an interesting journey for me, I've had new experiences, met new people, tried to become more social, and found out things about me I needed to know, and that has made me very happy. The biggest plus is being with my master, whom I hold a deep love and adoration for and if not for him I wouldn't be typing this today. You see furries, this wolf bat wasn't always as happy go lucky as he seems. There were times I almost left the fandom, and even this world, but thanks to my Master I am still here. I've been down to the bottom of the barrel, a place I never want to see again, and he was able to yank me from out of my hole. I honestly don't know why I'm spilling all this to random strangers and some friends, but eh...I just need an outlet for this emotion. Anyway, I have always been shown a mixture of fear, respect, and contempt my whole life. Teased, ridiculed, and bullied as a kid which led to my severe drop in self esteem by my teen years. Now granted, maybe I could have done something to stop it all, but I didn't and I live with that. It has been my appearance which has both intimidated, and caused me grief from others but I have tried to grow and accept me for how I am. But the reason I fell so far only over a year ago after dealt with it my whole life, is that when even your own family sees you how everyone else has your whole life, you take a hard hit. I know, I know, what a dumbass reason for thinking of ending things right? Well that may be so but you must see it from my angle, I've always been the way I am and to suddenly hear my own family reveal their true feelings about my appearance was a heavy blow cause I was raised to believe family was a rare thing to treasure, and that was broken that day. *sigh* Why am I even writing this? I don't have even the foggiest clue really.
That aside, I am happy my Master did save me that day and I owe him a debt I doubt I could repay. Cause now I have not only my Master, but a great Pet as well and a wonderful Mate. All of them behind me makes me strong. Though today I don't feel very strong. The real reason I need to vent this is that I am really going through emotions, one of severe homesickness, and my esteem being absolute zero. Yeah, yeah, I'm digging a hole and I know it. I won't make an excuse against it. Because I honestly feel like shit, not physically but mentally. Master and my Pet both keep telling me the same thing, and I try hard to believe them as I trust them and my Mate with my life, but I guess a life time of being brought down by friends, and society itself has made a little place somewhere in the back recesses of my brain that keep this scar from healing. Society demands perfection, as do most everyone. I can't live up to that perfection, of that I am certain. I've seen what people find attractive, sexy, hot, etc and I am far from any of those things no matter what I'm told, attraction is physical and mental, and even though I may be mentally attractive, its the physical that always gets me.
I know I will probably get in trouble for all this later. I tried very hard not to dig this hole, I really did guys. I apologize for digging Pet, this came on my all of a sudden. And Master, sorry to you as well. I don't know why I felt like this today, but I just needed to get this off my chest, even if for a little while.
To anyone curious about anything said, you know how to contact me. No one will read this probably so I'll delete it in a day or so anyway.
Sincerely,
Khaos of Envy
so yeah. be happy about who you are, and if anyone don't agree can they just go F*ck themselves. so ho,d on to the feeling of strength, and use it if you need it. even if it's just enough to call on help from your friends.
*hugs* we have all seen the bottom of the barrel, or will see it once. and its often our friends who help, or at times ourselves if our friends cant help. :3
Thanks bro, I needed those words *hugs again*
Society is being.. well society, bitchy as ever and you should be happy with whom you are and such. I mean you have a wonderful friends, an awesome mate and everything that's awesome. You shouldn't feel terrible about yourself dear ;A;
//hugs