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2011: So, was it a good year?
14 years ago
General
(OK, I swore to myself I wouldn't do my usual cross-posting bullshit between my journals and TKT, but this is pretty much as close to a wrap up of the year as I can get. We'll just chalk it up as my first New Year's resolution...)
It's...hard to explain. As of today, I have been off of any medication for one year, after being on one form of them or another for a decade. The best description I can make for my frame of mind is "disgruntled optimism," maybe "pessimistic hope": my line of thinking wants to return to the doom and gloom and suicidal intensity of the past 5 years on Cymbalta, but that line of thinking lacks the...appeal it once held. In its place, I see train wreck upon train wreck stretching both back behind me and sitting in anticipatory malignance in front of me, both stretching as far as the mind's eye can see. It's, to stretch the imagery to breaking point, like being asleep at the switch and plowing through one awful situation after another, but since you were so convinced that maybe the next one will finally stop the runaway train your life is you didn't mind since the NEXT one would finally end it all...only to finally snap out of it and see exactly what the Hell is going on and HOLY SHIT, DUCK!
I almost preferred letting the momentum carry me.
Becoming aware of how much time has been wasted, how much should have BEEN done and how little there is that can be salvaged of this horrible, horrible life is...not fun. By the same token, I still find myself in awe...all the things that SHOULD have gone wrong, that COULD have been so much, much worse, and yet, I'm still so much better off than many who have been in my exact circumstances turn out to be. It's not a charmed life, but there does seem to be some kind of...I hesitate to open this kinda line of thinking, but I'm kind of at a loss to explain it elsewise...guidance. Whether external divinity or internal fortitude, or some alchemical combination of both, I see what I SHOULD have become for all the crap I've done and had done to me throughout my life and see it far away, nothing more than a boogeyman making faces. Unfortunately, I also see what I could be had I lived up to my potential and gotten the kind of breaks that others less...eh, I hesitate to use the term "deserving," but then I see "Jersey Shore"...and it's just as far away and unreachable.
So, yes...I suppose, in retrospect, I had a tolerable year. Sobering, harrowing, disheartening...but hopeful.
It's...hard to explain. As of today, I have been off of any medication for one year, after being on one form of them or another for a decade. The best description I can make for my frame of mind is "disgruntled optimism," maybe "pessimistic hope": my line of thinking wants to return to the doom and gloom and suicidal intensity of the past 5 years on Cymbalta, but that line of thinking lacks the...appeal it once held. In its place, I see train wreck upon train wreck stretching both back behind me and sitting in anticipatory malignance in front of me, both stretching as far as the mind's eye can see. It's, to stretch the imagery to breaking point, like being asleep at the switch and plowing through one awful situation after another, but since you were so convinced that maybe the next one will finally stop the runaway train your life is you didn't mind since the NEXT one would finally end it all...only to finally snap out of it and see exactly what the Hell is going on and HOLY SHIT, DUCK!
I almost preferred letting the momentum carry me.
Becoming aware of how much time has been wasted, how much should have BEEN done and how little there is that can be salvaged of this horrible, horrible life is...not fun. By the same token, I still find myself in awe...all the things that SHOULD have gone wrong, that COULD have been so much, much worse, and yet, I'm still so much better off than many who have been in my exact circumstances turn out to be. It's not a charmed life, but there does seem to be some kind of...I hesitate to open this kinda line of thinking, but I'm kind of at a loss to explain it elsewise...guidance. Whether external divinity or internal fortitude, or some alchemical combination of both, I see what I SHOULD have become for all the crap I've done and had done to me throughout my life and see it far away, nothing more than a boogeyman making faces. Unfortunately, I also see what I could be had I lived up to my potential and gotten the kind of breaks that others less...eh, I hesitate to use the term "deserving," but then I see "Jersey Shore"...and it's just as far away and unreachable.
So, yes...I suppose, in retrospect, I had a tolerable year. Sobering, harrowing, disheartening...but hopeful.
and, little FYI, still time to live up to potential if you wanna.
I say that because, although I've never gone through the things you have, I've had quite a huge personal journey transforming myself and taking negative traits I don't like and working to overshaddow them with positive traits I do like. And changing my mindset.
And thank whoever needs it, its worked for me so far. I've had some pretty spirit crushing things happen in my career, but I've taken as much help as I can get, and turned it around, and now I'm working in a dream job, doing something I love. Its not perfect- but what would be the fun in that?
Anyway, I shared in hopes it might be in some small way inspiring. I have to admit, having my husband has helped a great many things, but honestly its not the lover that did it, but the best friend who helped so much. (Just so I'm completely honest with you).
But my husband has always made me fight my own fights, because he knows I would hate myself if I didn't.
And I totally agree with Orin. Its NEVER too late to live up to potential, and although I sound like some corny shallow inspiration message, its never too late to put yourself on a much better track towards something you love.
Here, here to 2012 being a year of better things- helped a bit by our determination.