Idle Thinking

Silence…Solitude
Breaks through the skin
Like beads of sweat
Thoughts so deep
You drown within them
Even if you do get to the surface
You find ice, you’re trapped within
And nothing but a solution or an absolution
Will get you out.

Memories flutter through your mind’s eye
As you’re drowning in that ocean
Of thoughts and silent tormentors
All the things you could have done different
All the things you could have said better
All the things you wish you could have said, done
Form a bitter lump in your throat
That you try to swallow down, but the more you try
The harder the pain like swallowing needles horizontal
Tearing at your muscle tissue; until you bleed; can’t speak
Become mute to the demons
That haunt you; overcome you; try to destroy you
From the inside out
Until you go crazy and begin to cry or tear at yourself
To make the voices of past devil advocates stop hissing in your ear
Soaking up in your mind; until you believe what they say
Their lies; as truth; until you see yourself as a monster
And fall deeper into the darkness…of your thoughts.

Sometimes the devil advocate is you; but not the person that you know
Its something sinister; evil
It’s a demon within you; that tries to show you that you’re the reason
That everything that is bad happening in your life is because you’re alive
Because you’re here and its your fault
But its not; still lost in this solitude; desolation
You believe the lies to breathe the air at the surface
But the air is empty and only carbon monoxide killing you quicker
Choking on your own lies that you tell yourself to point the blame
But there is no blame; it is just life; and at the time you did the only thing you knew how

Silence…Solitude
Like mute soldiers pounding their boots in the mud as your gears turn
On memories that you thought you had forgotten for the purpose you never
Wanted them to cross your path again
Pain sears inside you; when you realize you never did cry for these memories
Never gave them the justice of your tears
And never forgave yourself for the things you couldn’t control
For the things that hurt you deeply
So you tried to forget by pushing them down
But they’re still there; not forgotten
Brought to light in this moment in your isolation.
Its time to forgive; its time to cry; its time to move on

Silence…Solitude
Instant craving for what you want most
For what you yearn for
Love? Or the notion possibility of love.
Distance from someone you really care about
But feel they don’t think about you; as much as you do them.
Wishing to be in their minds to get closer to their thoughts
Silent wishes spoken in your heart; but never seemed to be answered
In the light of day
Only in your dreams; waking or asleep do these wishes come true
Screaming within; trying to wait; though the days seem longer
Seem like a lifetime; but still you strive; dedicate, and test yourself
Is your will stronger? Is your loyalty unbreakable? Are they worth it?

So many questions enter your mind; so many thoughts
So many things you wish you could have done; unfulfilled promises; realities
So many things that your darker heart hurts you for
And in the end some things are resolved; some things are revisited
And sometimes you fall in the rut of your advocates' lies because you can’t make them
Quell their raspy voices; until you’re screaming at them; to the outside world but trying
To get through on the inside; I AM NOT! I AM ME! SO SHUT UP! YOU’RE WRONG!

Getting up to busy yourself; realizing too many hours were spent in this silent solitude
You’ve wasted the day;
Or someone you cared for has missed your presence
A silent curse upon yourself for the day lost
Time you cannot get back; ruined on the darkness
But you know, there will be another time; another place
Where you will visit the darkness again; and waste.

By: Amanda Fiori