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An oddity...
14 years ago
General
I feel the most nostalgic about the time period where I was most severely depressed. (between 7th and 9th grade)
Back then despite depression, or perhaps because of it, I could really invest my energy into things, because I lived in a fantasy world. My obsession with Sonic was a literal obsession...I thought about Sonic stuff nearly all the time. My imagination was amazing. I would write comics about Sonic and his friends all the time. I learned how to use the internet because of my Sonic obsession. I had a ritual of listening to my entire playlist of Sonic music. I would sit there and listen to a Sonic radio station while doing nothing else but listening to it. I would write original stories, as well as fanfiction (not always sonic for the latter) I was always writing or drawing...
I had more passion towards video games and anime too...nowadays I just can't get into them as much and get bored so easily. I loved Yu-Gi-Oh, Pokemon, and especially Yu Yu Hakusho. Besides Sonic, Okage was my favorite game. I remember waking up in the morning to Digimon Frontier. I would eat canned pineapple pieces for breakfast. (I also had an addiction to skittles, and wouldn't eat much else besides those two things.) Because of my depression my life revolved around these things as a coping mechanism. When we had to write in english class, a large portion of my writing was fanfiction. This stuff was my life...it kept me alive.
I remember coming up with Midnight Eternity, Tony's Story, and a whole bunch of others which I barely have the memory of anymore. I could write something without having to come up with a plan. Actually, everything I did was on a whim and improvised...I just wrote and drew and it would come. I can't do that anymore.
I remember parachat, where I met someone who is my best friend even today (We've known eachother for almost 10 years now!) I remember some other people and experiences from there, some good, some bad. I remember discovering TechTV, watching Silent Mobius on Anime Unleashed, running back to the computer during the commercial to talk to a friend whose username was keitaro on there, and then running back to the living room when it came back on. I remember rping as Aurora Silverrain, and her alternate personality, Natasha. I would watch TechTV after school while I did my homework. I'd watch Call for Help, and then X-Play. Later on, I would watch a show with music videos while it would show letters people wrote and confessions and such they sent in as they played.
I remember having trouble sleeping during the summer. But it was okay because there was Adult Swim. That channel helped relieve my depression also, because shows like Trigun and .hack//sign really deeply spoke to me. Trigun was my first box set. I loved Case Closed too. I would stay up just waiting for these shows to come on. Oh, and I remember Toonami too. Sonic (and Shadow...oh my obsession over Shadow knew no bounds) was my main obsession, but I obsessed over a lot of other stuff and characters.
I'm a more functional person than I was back then. I don't want to go into just how bad my depression was back then, I was delusional, nearly killed myself due to malnutrition (though I was suicidal) and was pretty much legit crazy. I had no friends in real life, and for good reason!
I'm doing so much better now, though depression is back. Yet it's manifested itself entirely different...I have even less motivation than I normally do. I can't bring myself to write anyway nowadays, and now I can't even play games much because I hardly have the energy to even do that. All I feel like doing is sleep. I want to be inspired again...I don't know how to do that...I don't know what to do. I had such inspiration and imagination back then. I have nothing now.
Nostalgic things from that time:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1tlvXbzW7vw Battle B-daman, another show I used to wake up to. And then I would go to bed to Shinzo.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6oNFpVOfxp4 Silent Mobius, I remember the show originally gained my attention because a combination of the name (relating to Sonic of course) and there was a character (Rally) who looked like Natasha did in my mind.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qpRntRj_EQU Nightwalker...this, combined with what's still my favorite book, "A demon in my view", made me like vampires when I used to hate them. I have no idea why I originally hated them. Interestingly, this was pushed onto me by a girl on my bus would force me to watch anime. She was crazy, but if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have discovered DNAngel (It was my last real, long-lasting obsession.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqpdD2Ysj9M Most nostalgic video ever, to me, and I'm not sure why. It's about Okage.
I could go on and and on and this is already tl;dr. Basically I'm writing this because it's on my mind and I can't sleep. I remember when I first discovered Youtube. I remember the first AMVs I saw, it got me into Sukisho (A show I would definitely dislike nowadays xD) and Getbackers. I wish I could find some of the old AMVs...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w5NjB60a14g Here's one at least. Akabane was my first ever cosplay. I still wear the trenchcoat I used for it even today.
Back then despite depression, or perhaps because of it, I could really invest my energy into things, because I lived in a fantasy world. My obsession with Sonic was a literal obsession...I thought about Sonic stuff nearly all the time. My imagination was amazing. I would write comics about Sonic and his friends all the time. I learned how to use the internet because of my Sonic obsession. I had a ritual of listening to my entire playlist of Sonic music. I would sit there and listen to a Sonic radio station while doing nothing else but listening to it. I would write original stories, as well as fanfiction (not always sonic for the latter) I was always writing or drawing...
I had more passion towards video games and anime too...nowadays I just can't get into them as much and get bored so easily. I loved Yu-Gi-Oh, Pokemon, and especially Yu Yu Hakusho. Besides Sonic, Okage was my favorite game. I remember waking up in the morning to Digimon Frontier. I would eat canned pineapple pieces for breakfast. (I also had an addiction to skittles, and wouldn't eat much else besides those two things.) Because of my depression my life revolved around these things as a coping mechanism. When we had to write in english class, a large portion of my writing was fanfiction. This stuff was my life...it kept me alive.
I remember coming up with Midnight Eternity, Tony's Story, and a whole bunch of others which I barely have the memory of anymore. I could write something without having to come up with a plan. Actually, everything I did was on a whim and improvised...I just wrote and drew and it would come. I can't do that anymore.
I remember parachat, where I met someone who is my best friend even today (We've known eachother for almost 10 years now!) I remember some other people and experiences from there, some good, some bad. I remember discovering TechTV, watching Silent Mobius on Anime Unleashed, running back to the computer during the commercial to talk to a friend whose username was keitaro on there, and then running back to the living room when it came back on. I remember rping as Aurora Silverrain, and her alternate personality, Natasha. I would watch TechTV after school while I did my homework. I'd watch Call for Help, and then X-Play. Later on, I would watch a show with music videos while it would show letters people wrote and confessions and such they sent in as they played.
I remember having trouble sleeping during the summer. But it was okay because there was Adult Swim. That channel helped relieve my depression also, because shows like Trigun and .hack//sign really deeply spoke to me. Trigun was my first box set. I loved Case Closed too. I would stay up just waiting for these shows to come on. Oh, and I remember Toonami too. Sonic (and Shadow...oh my obsession over Shadow knew no bounds) was my main obsession, but I obsessed over a lot of other stuff and characters.
I'm a more functional person than I was back then. I don't want to go into just how bad my depression was back then, I was delusional, nearly killed myself due to malnutrition (though I was suicidal) and was pretty much legit crazy. I had no friends in real life, and for good reason!
I'm doing so much better now, though depression is back. Yet it's manifested itself entirely different...I have even less motivation than I normally do. I can't bring myself to write anyway nowadays, and now I can't even play games much because I hardly have the energy to even do that. All I feel like doing is sleep. I want to be inspired again...I don't know how to do that...I don't know what to do. I had such inspiration and imagination back then. I have nothing now.
Nostalgic things from that time:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1tlvXbzW7vw Battle B-daman, another show I used to wake up to. And then I would go to bed to Shinzo.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6oNFpVOfxp4 Silent Mobius, I remember the show originally gained my attention because a combination of the name (relating to Sonic of course) and there was a character (Rally) who looked like Natasha did in my mind.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qpRntRj_EQU Nightwalker...this, combined with what's still my favorite book, "A demon in my view", made me like vampires when I used to hate them. I have no idea why I originally hated them. Interestingly, this was pushed onto me by a girl on my bus would force me to watch anime. She was crazy, but if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have discovered DNAngel (It was my last real, long-lasting obsession.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqpdD2Ysj9M Most nostalgic video ever, to me, and I'm not sure why. It's about Okage.
I could go on and and on and this is already tl;dr. Basically I'm writing this because it's on my mind and I can't sleep. I remember when I first discovered Youtube. I remember the first AMVs I saw, it got me into Sukisho (A show I would definitely dislike nowadays xD) and Getbackers. I wish I could find some of the old AMVs...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w5NjB60a14g Here's one at least. Akabane was my first ever cosplay. I still wear the trenchcoat I used for it even today.
And I hopes you feel better
I hope you feel better soon. Having no motivation is rough :c
I was made fun of less in 6th grade because I didn't speak. The biggest reason I was bullied in elementary was because of the behavioral problems I had due to Asperger's, but it was around then when I learned to ignore outside stimuli by drawing and fantasizing. (I was still treated badly, but not as much as before) 6th grade actually was one of my better years because I went to an after school program where I met a bunch of people who didn't hate me. I was like a totally different person when I was there. I was big into Pokemon back then too, but not as big as 3rd grade when it first came out.
I honestly don't know if I'll ever feel better. I haven't had decent motivation in years...
Speaking of Pokemon, do you have black/white? It might be fun to play together.
I'm glad you got a chance to meet some good people :3 That's what happened to me in 7th grade. I finally met a real friend who liked me for who I am, and it helped me regain some of my lost confidence.
Hang in there Aura <3 It's tough, but know that you have people rooting for you!
I do! Shoot me a note and I'll give you my friend codes when I have access to my games.
An example I can think of off-hand is a friend of my wife's. She married a musician who didn't want to treat his depression and anxiety as it gave him creative power. The problem was that the moments where he wasn't at his best he was terrible and made his wife worry horribly. She wanted him to be happy, but what made him truly happy didn't make anyone beyond himself very happy as the side effects of dealing with his depression wore down the wife. Sadly, I think they are seperated now despite even having a kid together. :(
This brings an interesting point to what you wrote. Yes you were inspired and did all sorts of great things. However, you had no friends and, as you further described, were malnourished and suicidal. If you were to put all you said on a scale, you'd find the motivation and excitement you had being severely outweighed by all the damage you were doing to yourself and those around you. Moreover, when you'd do video games and write, you were likely doing it truly as more of an escape than as an expression. Escaping can only last so long before you have to come back to reality while expression can inspire and help make reality more bearable.
I won't lie on my end. A lot of my writing, drawing, etc. is a result of conflict, anxiety, and moments of depression I have. Though, if you think about it, good stories and images aren't those that speak of the everyday, they are those that show moments of trials, confusion, etc. that we as people experience and strive to overcome.
If I may suggest, a great way to regain some inspiration is to not think at all when you put your pen to the paper or fingers to the keyboard. Instead, just go with the first thought that pops in your head and let it go. Don't second guess yourself and tell your mind to take a backseat if it questions the quality of what your doing. The true power of inspiration is being free and not letting anyone or anything hold you back. Take that raw emotion and just unleash it. You'll find that, in time, this will become second nature to you and you will just create for the sake of creating rather than burdening yourself with those questions that you may not even now realize hold you back from releasing your potential.
The same goes for playing video games, watching shows, etc. You may feel tired, but try to push yourself harder. If you can't do it, you can't do it. However, if it's what you want to do, you'll do it. In overcoming the obstacle one step at a time you'll pierce through the depression and begin to empower yourself to overcome it. This is no solution. However, for me, it's all I could to get back on my feet when depression and anxiety had me at my worst. I had to tell my body and mind to go to hell as I forced myself to reclaim who I was. It wasn't easy and I didn't always succeed, but it is possible and I know you can do it, too.
*Hugs* Be well, Aura. I don't presume to have solutions or understand your situation. But, as one who suffers from anxiety and situation depression, I know what is like to have your gifts stolen and want them back. Friends, family, and determination are your keys to it all and, as your friend, I am here to help you achieve your goals no matter how long it takes.