So my boyfriend and I were playing Candyland tonight and I realized something. This is a horrible game! This is probably what each of the contestants of the special Olympics picture in their heads as they're running down the track, pulling each other down, and chewing on themselves. They know there's not going to be any candy castle and that's where the retard rage comes from.

Look at the front of the box. That blond haired blue eyed little boy is going to eat that fairy, and just like the sugar sprinkled sucubus she is; she's going to rip his little heart out. Mean while the great candy king is trying to lure all the young Asian kids to his delicious candy castle.

They need to make a game about all the heart break that comes after. That blond haired little blue eyed boy finishes eating all of Candyland and moves back to France. Forget about his cavities, the sugar coma left him blind in one eye. He hobbles around on one foot because diabetes took his other. They tried to fit him with a good prosthetic but his obesity issues make it difficult to find one that fits so all he's left with is a stump.

He grew up hating himself because all through school the kids chanted, "fatty lumpy two by four can't fit through the kitchen door." In his young adulthood he takes to making amputee crush fetish videos and robbing liqueur stores just to feel good about himself. He gets hauled off to jail where he gets stuck with an effeminate cell mate who uses his stub to fuck himself every night. Confused and angry our blond haired wonder kills himself by trying to squeeze through the bars.

The new game can be called Fatty Fatty Lump Cakes land. And its your job to try and convince him not to kill himself while you play against your opponent who tries to talk him into it.

Yes I'm dark and bitter. Like dark chocolate.