home is a mental prison... -- muddyness' Journal -- Fur Affinity [dot] net

home is a mental prison...

14 years ago General

You ever have one of those days when at first things seem to be alright with the world, but as it goes on you start to think about your life and how you truly feel. We'll I've realized that even though i do have things good going for me like a job i love to death and friends and family who care for me very much, at the same time my mind keeps on being dragged back to what's wrong.

I already pointed out how i feel like a second class citizen in my own home a couple journals ago, but now i'm starting to see the bigger picture. I have for a long time spent a lot of my free time in my room and the reason was always back in my mind but i now truly know why. it's cuz outside my room, among my family and friends i'm not able to truly be myself. Hehe, as any of you who know me well enough and from my art know that i'm roughly bi, though i certainly lean towards women there are a handful of guys i know who i like in a way that heterosexual men wouldn't consider. It goes without saying that's part of who i am and won't change, same goes for being a furry. However, i could NEVER tell my family that. It's not like my family is against gay people but... well my mom in particular is very religious and has no shame in imposing her beliefs on me.

I was raised catholic, a community not very much accepting of anything beyond heterosexual. It's a faith that's centered around love for your fellow man and if that love is expressed physically between two MEN then suddenly it's bad... sorry i don't buy that, not for a dollar.

Anyways, back to my mom, she loves me to death and i know this for a fact and always will, and i always will love her. However, being afraid to be myself around her and everyone else around me is literally eating me up inside. Do you know at all what it's like to have your best friends prefer to open up to your parents instead of you? To know that they'll have fun with you but don't take you seriously to the extent that they go to your parents instead of you whenever they need someone they can trust? well i certainly do. my friends are always going to my mom for consolation when i'm right friggin their and they don't say shit to me. my old and aweosme friend who i've known since 4th grade told my mom he's considering priesthood and has yet to say ANYTHING to me about it... WHY!? what is so fucking unapproachable about me to my IRL friends from back in middle school? It's not fair that my friends have my mom to go to when i can't open up to her myself. I have a couple friends i can open up to about anything but one's ways away and another... well it's complicated to say the least... one family member but she's always busy with her job so that makes me a bit reluctant for some reason. I've been a "counselor" for people before, and enjoy it but i always struggle so bad to reach out to others. I want to feel needed but i don't know what the hell to do when i need others other than hold it in and stuff down my emotions.

Also i've been noticing at work that my co-workers are talking about how they hang out and ask if they wanna go places together to have fun... why doesn't anybody ever ask me to go anywhere? i mean... they seem to enjoy me in the work place but never offer to do anything. It's like middle school and high school all over again.

I seriously feel like i'm eroding away a little more inside every day, that i'm loosing touch with reality and don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes i even tell myself i should be buying commissions or spending money on things that make me happy... why don't i want to be happy!? I keep on thinking these things that don't make any sense to me and i want to understand but am afraid to. It makes me think back to the time many years ago that i used to actually have suicidal thoughts, not that i do anymore but why think about that at all? i'm loosing my fucking mind here!

...

i feel so lost

18 Comments

FaroriFlames ~faroriflames

Traditional Artist

14 years ago

Question your sense of reality and the perception of yourself unto others. Look at everything from the view of another if possible. While I'm not able to completely understand the complexity of your situation, I can at least relate to the inability to read others somewhat, though its something I've caught onto. I suppose that would be a recommendation from me, if possible for you: to find that ability to read people. If you care, they tend to react to it. You just have to showcase that.

Hope that helps a bit, Muddy.

muddyness ~muddyness

Writer

14 years ago

but i've tried reading people... how can i hope to read anybody if i can't even read myself?

[deleted]

muddyness ~muddyness

Writer

14 years ago

i wish i believed that and i'm trying to so hard... it's not easy

VGM22 ∞vgm22

Watcher

14 years ago

I know how you feel, my pup. My home feels like a prison itself, since I can't go anywhere. Stuck in the house 24/7, unless my family takes me somewhere and that's mostly to the store or doctors offices. No where else. So yes. It can drive you insane, you can get cabin fever and other things. Plus feeling left behind sucks as well when it comes to friends not asking one to be invited out. Anyway... I do hope you feel better soon, my pup.

RonE.Appears ~rone.appears

Writer

14 years ago

From what I can tell you, don't keep it to yourself. Dammit, I made up such a good long comment, but fuck the computer glitched. So anyway, what I said was that, a kid from my school approached me, he said he wanted to be friends. I never had any friends, I am kind of desperate for some, but when I heard him, I freaked out and for the rest of the day avoided him. Definitely not what people would expect in a classy nice guy offers you friendship scenario, but the point is, the way you show yourself to people, is the way they percept you. So the only way to get to them is to show that you're not one-sided. If you feel bad, good friends will notice something wrong, voids of the way you act. If you feel bad that your friends didn't t talk to you first, maybe something he thinks you won't understand, and if you do... And about family, don't get all tense. My mom says, that family are the only people who truly care, tolerate, forgive, accept and love for who you are. If you don't feel comfortable, don't say it, they can understand, right? Other people around are like you, have precious things they want, and everything else based on the mood. My brother during these situation when I feel like the world is against my mind, he says... just be more simple. . My otaku fan sense suddenly came up, go to YouTube and look up Senka, Reflect, hope you know how to read subtitles :)

muddyness ~muddyness

Writer

14 years ago

my family may forgive me for whatever i do, but they never let me forget about it. and what do you mean by "one-sided", can you elaborate on that? What do you mean by "be more simple"?

RonE.Appears ~rone.appears

Writer

14 years ago

Being one-sided, I meant acting like you're an open book. A person who doesn' t seem to have variable worries and is usually there for one reason. We can miconcept them being someone they totally are not. And that sucks, cause you can get angry if they think you're like that. By "just be simple" I mean, don' t imagine the world to be a hard place, stop thinking too deep all the time, in other words, relieve stress. I don't know if it may apply too you, but with cool head and clear mind, answers may come easier. Sorry if my advice doesn't really work, I'm still new to this. Just find what can really comfort you.

muddyness ~muddyness

Writer

14 years ago

but the world IS a hard place, i mean that's where the saying "it's a cruel world" comes from, that's why in movies people say "goodbye cruel world" when the think they're about to die and stuff... I can't help but over analyze things cuz that's the only way i know how to analyze things.

i honestly don't know how to relax but that does seem like a good idea *nervous twitch*

RonE.Appears ~rone.appears

Writer

14 years ago

I over analyze myself. On a few nights I feel like throwing up or do something, because I hate the world I'm in. When I think about who am I really, why am I here, why I was born this way, why the world is being so hard to me. But then, I am afraid of dying. And then again, there's so many things I have not seen. So many people I haven't talked with, so many ideas to see. So many people you may wish to see with you. So those people who say the world is cruel, don't know the half of it at all, or simply too cynical to look the other way. And about how to relax, remember that when your mind works, your body rests, and when your body works, your mind rests.

Janazufr ~dragonofforest

Dragon Lover

14 years ago

I know how it feels like to be in your situation, pal! Being stuck in a house, where my parents argue for stupid things... I like locked in my computer, going to Internet OUTSIDE, and then going back to my home. Gosh, it is a lonely mood and routine. I hate routines... so I do my best to change the order of what I do everyday...
Now, it's incredible that your friends are not confident to you. What are they doing? I mean, they should confront you (I would do that) about anything. It seems they are still mamma kids imo.
Now, I think you should tell to your mother about your sexual orientation. If she loves you, she should keep loving you after that. Some christians are open-minded, as far as I know. However, if you don't feel strong enough yet to tell her, take your time and find the right moment to do so...
Therefore, I don't know if this is useful, but you have me as a friend here. If you can want, we can make things together, at a distance, yet together... as good true friends.

muddyness ~muddyness

Writer

14 years ago

i wish i could have someone like you here *head desk, sigh*

Janazufr ~dragonofforest

Dragon Lover

14 years ago

Me too, buddy! Hmm, when are you on MSN a propos? Although we are TOO far away, we can have fun together...

Keiros ~kay-dee667

Artist-in-training

14 years ago

I know the feeling. IMO, trying to do something outside of the "comfort zone" helps break the shell.

muddyness ~muddyness

Writer

14 years ago

but what would that be exactly? X3

Keiros ~kay-dee667

Artist-in-training

14 years ago

Something you want to try, but couldn't get yourself into doing it? X3

SamColy ~samcoly

Writer

14 years ago

..... I'm so sorry, Muddy....

I can remember similar feelings. I remember when I lived in Indiana, I was always jealous of my sister because she and her friends would always get together and hang out. I had so few friends of my own, and it was rare that we could ever get together. Then when I went to Chevak, I was even more alone than before. I had NO close friends who weren't online and I knew it.

Things didn't change for me until I came to Edgecumbe and resolved to make close friends quickly. And then, seeing as we were able to go into town and have free time, I resolved that I would also get together with friends independently. This... this more than anything has helped me to become happier and... more mentally stable.

My only suggestion is that you could use a change of scenery and environment.

muddyness ~muddyness

Writer

14 years ago

You've no idea how much i want to move out but i can't afford it... it sucks so bad i can't do this for much longer

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