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On death and God
14 years ago
General
Fair warning, this will be the most TL;DR journal I've ever written—or probably will write—on FA.
I've had this problem for a long time now. I'm guessing a little over a year now. Writing this down is actually helping quite a bit, so I think I'm going to continue.
These feelings have always been lingering, but have been exacerbated with the recent death of my Aunt.
I consider myself an agnostic. I was raised Catholic, but I slowly realized how much science made sense and how little sense religion made. Plus, how was I to be sure that I had picked the "right" religion out of so many. That being said, throughout all of this self discovery, I still refused to believe that the possibility of something more than our own lives here and now was a complete fallacy. Like a tickle or an itch that refuses to go away. David Bowie was quoted once as saying "...well, I'll be an atheist tomorrow." I liked that. :P
As much as I'd like to proudly declare myself an atheist, I find myself resenting them. Not for the fact that I think they are wrong, mind you. In fact, many of the people I respect the most—brilliant thinkers, philosophers and artists—are irreligious. The resentment comes from how I end up feeling for not sharing their opinion. I feel stupid. That's what hurts the most. I've felt that way my whole life. It feels a lot worse on a cosmic scale.
For too long I've been dealing with the fear of dread associated with the possibility that there is a very good chance that one day I will cease to exist. That, after death, I will not exist in some form or fashion—be it as a "soul", or disembodied consciousness, or as "energy" or what have you. That I'll simply be comatose for the rest of eternity, with no hope of waking up. Others offer comfort by saying things such as, "well, there won't be a you to worry about those things anymore so there's no point in it." It really offers little comfort. From what I've read, it doesn't seem like I'm the only person in this boat. One of the reasons I still cling to God is that fear.
Don't get me wrong, I still don't subscribe to the belief that God is an anthropomorphized human consciousness. Or, that heaven is a field of billowy clouds with harp music where you get to spend eternity chilling with your relatives. I still feel that religion, if practiced, should always augment existence and not dictate it, and should always be questioned. Before I had any doubt, I always believed that if God exists, he/she/it would be so much more than any human mind would have the power to comprehend. In college I took a class on Dante. In Paradiso he represents God as a point of light; too far away to ever touch, but whose light can still always be felt. I always loved that analogy. Even before I started having these doubts I can remember staring out into space on summer nights, looking into the infinite sapphire skies and longing to be a part of that.
Ang postulated one time that maybe when you die, you move into another reality where it didn't happen (think Nietzche's Eternal Return), which I thought was a bit clever.
Maybe I am just fooling myself. One thing is for sure however. However I spend my remaining days, I'm not going to let anyone make me feel stupid for feeling the way I feel (one way or the other). I'm well and truly done with that.
My final thought on the subject is this: even if heaven, or an afterlife, or God doesn't exist, the one positive thing that all this fear has done is really make me appreciate life now. I tell all those who have meaning in my life how much I care about them, and how important they are to me with regularity. (That includes all of you guys. If you read this far you have no idea how much I appreciate it.) And when Ang and I lie in bed every night—holding each other close—that's heaven for me. If I knew I could have that feeling alone for the rest of time I could die happy.
I think I'm done now. Thanks for listening furry dudes/dudettes. G'night.
I've had this problem for a long time now. I'm guessing a little over a year now. Writing this down is actually helping quite a bit, so I think I'm going to continue.
These feelings have always been lingering, but have been exacerbated with the recent death of my Aunt.
I consider myself an agnostic. I was raised Catholic, but I slowly realized how much science made sense and how little sense religion made. Plus, how was I to be sure that I had picked the "right" religion out of so many. That being said, throughout all of this self discovery, I still refused to believe that the possibility of something more than our own lives here and now was a complete fallacy. Like a tickle or an itch that refuses to go away. David Bowie was quoted once as saying "...well, I'll be an atheist tomorrow." I liked that. :P
As much as I'd like to proudly declare myself an atheist, I find myself resenting them. Not for the fact that I think they are wrong, mind you. In fact, many of the people I respect the most—brilliant thinkers, philosophers and artists—are irreligious. The resentment comes from how I end up feeling for not sharing their opinion. I feel stupid. That's what hurts the most. I've felt that way my whole life. It feels a lot worse on a cosmic scale.
For too long I've been dealing with the fear of dread associated with the possibility that there is a very good chance that one day I will cease to exist. That, after death, I will not exist in some form or fashion—be it as a "soul", or disembodied consciousness, or as "energy" or what have you. That I'll simply be comatose for the rest of eternity, with no hope of waking up. Others offer comfort by saying things such as, "well, there won't be a you to worry about those things anymore so there's no point in it." It really offers little comfort. From what I've read, it doesn't seem like I'm the only person in this boat. One of the reasons I still cling to God is that fear.
Don't get me wrong, I still don't subscribe to the belief that God is an anthropomorphized human consciousness. Or, that heaven is a field of billowy clouds with harp music where you get to spend eternity chilling with your relatives. I still feel that religion, if practiced, should always augment existence and not dictate it, and should always be questioned. Before I had any doubt, I always believed that if God exists, he/she/it would be so much more than any human mind would have the power to comprehend. In college I took a class on Dante. In Paradiso he represents God as a point of light; too far away to ever touch, but whose light can still always be felt. I always loved that analogy. Even before I started having these doubts I can remember staring out into space on summer nights, looking into the infinite sapphire skies and longing to be a part of that.
Ang postulated one time that maybe when you die, you move into another reality where it didn't happen (think Nietzche's Eternal Return), which I thought was a bit clever.
Maybe I am just fooling myself. One thing is for sure however. However I spend my remaining days, I'm not going to let anyone make me feel stupid for feeling the way I feel (one way or the other). I'm well and truly done with that.
My final thought on the subject is this: even if heaven, or an afterlife, or God doesn't exist, the one positive thing that all this fear has done is really make me appreciate life now. I tell all those who have meaning in my life how much I care about them, and how important they are to me with regularity. (That includes all of you guys. If you read this far you have no idea how much I appreciate it.) And when Ang and I lie in bed every night—holding each other close—that's heaven for me. If I knew I could have that feeling alone for the rest of time I could die happy.
I think I'm done now. Thanks for listening furry dudes/dudettes. G'night.
For me though, when it comes to death, I find solace with Mark Twain's thoughts on the matter; "I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it."
Much like you I was raised Catholic. I made my first holy communion and confirmation, but gradually lost my faith during my early teens. I regard myself as an agnostic now. I don't totally disregard the existence of a higher power, but at the same time I don't see why, if such a power existed, we could ever hope to know anything about it. Bit like that movie 'Solaris' with the sentient ocean planet - far too big, complex and different for human brains to ever comprehend.
Non-existence is a sobering thought - the idea that one day everything that made you the person you are will totally cease to be. Personally, I currently find the idea of just blinking out at the end to be preferable to immortality, but everyone is different. Ask me the same question on my deathbed and I'll probably be hoping for something else. If asked about an afterlife, I'd have to say I'm about 90% sure there isn't one. Again, even if a higher power exists, why would it want to grant us an afterlife? Perhaps the energy within you survives the death of the body... but probably not in a sentient state.
To be honest, I try not to dwell on it much. We all have to go in the end - it's pretty much the only certainty in life. Appreciate what you've got now - happiness grasped during your life is the most precious thing in the universe.