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Feelings Inside Me #1
13 years ago
I'm not sure who's really even going to read this out there but here goes nothing...
I know I'm bisexual, but the concept still kinda freaks me out. I know that there's nothing wrong with me, and that it doesn't change who I am, yet I'm really confused because I have no idea how it happened.
I was straight, you see, until about a little under a year ago. I started getting interests and urges in guys, which was new to me, but I indulged myself a bit because I was curious. I've really only looked at furry art online, never actually had sex, but nevertheless my orientation changed. It happened over time, yet I was still caught by surprise. I got really confused because I didn't understand how it could happen. I kinda still don't, but now I accept that.
The real problem was that I knew I had to tell someone. It was overwhelming me, and I needed someone to be a light shining through the darkness helping me, listening to me and being there for me. I found that in one of my friends, Kuraku, (I'm going to use "codenames" to protect their anonymity, even though I doubt they'll ever get on a site like this. It's just I can talk about this comfortably when there is 0% chance that people can discover me or my friends. Moving on...) and he was totally understanding, a great listener, and he told me that he accepted me no matter who I was, because I was the same person. It was something I really needed to hear.
However, for me, telling one person wasn't enough. Sadly, it's a problem that I knew not a lot of people would understand, and my mother is one of those people. I hate keeping secrets from her, but at the same time she has no real reason to know, because I don't want it to hurt our relationship unless she does have a reason to know.
So I went ahead and told three of my other friends. Softvoiced is a very quiet, shy girl who also happens to be the girlfriend of Kuraku. I don't get to really talk to her a lot, so I'm not quite sure how she has taken it, but I've seen her a few times since and she hasn't acted any differently towards me. I also told my friend Lux, whom is also a friend of Softvoiced and Kuraku. He was very understanding, and told me that it didn't make a difference to him and I was still his friend and he cared about me. Finally, I told my friend Riku, and she was just as understanding as my other friends. She said that she accepted me and that I would always be her friend.
It made me really glad to know I have such great friends. Sometimes, I get really depressed and feel like no one cares about me, but then I hear things like that from them and I realize how much they truly care.
One of the things I also discussed with them, that I only talk about lightly and in as much anonymity as possible, is about this friend I had when I was around 10-12 (I'm 18 now). Long story short, he started out a good friend and became a horrible monster that physically beat me, socially alienated me, mentally/emotionally abused me, and he even coerced/forced me into having sex with him multiple times. His name is Deepfear. I was terrified of Deepfear, and I didn't know how to get away from him. Eventually, he moved away, and I was left broken and shattered.
I got help for most of the abuse that Deepfear dealt me, but I didn't tell a soul about how he sexually abused me for over 6 years. When I finally revealed it to Kuraku, he was horrified, but he was also there for me. It felt SOOOOOOOO good to finally tell someone! The feelings and confusion and horror had been eating away at me for all that time, and it was finally catching up with me. I think a lot of those pent up emotions caused for me to have a lot of issues I've noticed.
Such as my confusion in orientation. I have no idea if it's linked or not, but I don't know where I'm ending up and it scares me sometimes.
My fear of confrontation and trust issues. I have issues trusting people, and even sometimes I have an inner doubt about the people I trust the most, and it distresses me because I sometimes feel like I can't trust anyone.
My fear of my intimacy. I'm afraid of entering a relationship because I'm afraid of being rejected, being heartbroken even if we have a relationship that lasts a long time, and I'm also afraid that I won't be good enough for them. I'm 18, and I've never had a relationship, not even a shallow one, with anyone, ever; and sometimes I'm afraid that I'm going to be alone forever and that sometimes I think I deserve it.
That last one is sad, really, because my deepest inner urge that I can't control is for an intimate relationship. I crave love. I want to hold that special person and have them hold me and we embrace each other and kiss each other passionately and are always always there for each other and we love each other so strongly that nothing will ever tear us apart. I know I believe in that kind of love, but I don't believe that I'll ever experience it, no matter how much I long for it.
Well, if you read this, thanks I guess and sorry to have gotten so depressing, it's just the mood I'm in I guess. I guess I just feel so helpless and confused and uncertain and awkward and I just don't know what to do. This helps a bit. I'm not an overall depressing/negative person, I just have lots of down times, you know?
I cry for help sometimes but I guess I just don't expect an answer or even know how to get one, and sometimes I'm not sure if I even want help, and sometimes I do.
~bhscorch
I know I'm bisexual, but the concept still kinda freaks me out. I know that there's nothing wrong with me, and that it doesn't change who I am, yet I'm really confused because I have no idea how it happened.
I was straight, you see, until about a little under a year ago. I started getting interests and urges in guys, which was new to me, but I indulged myself a bit because I was curious. I've really only looked at furry art online, never actually had sex, but nevertheless my orientation changed. It happened over time, yet I was still caught by surprise. I got really confused because I didn't understand how it could happen. I kinda still don't, but now I accept that.
The real problem was that I knew I had to tell someone. It was overwhelming me, and I needed someone to be a light shining through the darkness helping me, listening to me and being there for me. I found that in one of my friends, Kuraku, (I'm going to use "codenames" to protect their anonymity, even though I doubt they'll ever get on a site like this. It's just I can talk about this comfortably when there is 0% chance that people can discover me or my friends. Moving on...) and he was totally understanding, a great listener, and he told me that he accepted me no matter who I was, because I was the same person. It was something I really needed to hear.
However, for me, telling one person wasn't enough. Sadly, it's a problem that I knew not a lot of people would understand, and my mother is one of those people. I hate keeping secrets from her, but at the same time she has no real reason to know, because I don't want it to hurt our relationship unless she does have a reason to know.
So I went ahead and told three of my other friends. Softvoiced is a very quiet, shy girl who also happens to be the girlfriend of Kuraku. I don't get to really talk to her a lot, so I'm not quite sure how she has taken it, but I've seen her a few times since and she hasn't acted any differently towards me. I also told my friend Lux, whom is also a friend of Softvoiced and Kuraku. He was very understanding, and told me that it didn't make a difference to him and I was still his friend and he cared about me. Finally, I told my friend Riku, and she was just as understanding as my other friends. She said that she accepted me and that I would always be her friend.
It made me really glad to know I have such great friends. Sometimes, I get really depressed and feel like no one cares about me, but then I hear things like that from them and I realize how much they truly care.
One of the things I also discussed with them, that I only talk about lightly and in as much anonymity as possible, is about this friend I had when I was around 10-12 (I'm 18 now). Long story short, he started out a good friend and became a horrible monster that physically beat me, socially alienated me, mentally/emotionally abused me, and he even coerced/forced me into having sex with him multiple times. His name is Deepfear. I was terrified of Deepfear, and I didn't know how to get away from him. Eventually, he moved away, and I was left broken and shattered.
I got help for most of the abuse that Deepfear dealt me, but I didn't tell a soul about how he sexually abused me for over 6 years. When I finally revealed it to Kuraku, he was horrified, but he was also there for me. It felt SOOOOOOOO good to finally tell someone! The feelings and confusion and horror had been eating away at me for all that time, and it was finally catching up with me. I think a lot of those pent up emotions caused for me to have a lot of issues I've noticed.
Such as my confusion in orientation. I have no idea if it's linked or not, but I don't know where I'm ending up and it scares me sometimes.
My fear of confrontation and trust issues. I have issues trusting people, and even sometimes I have an inner doubt about the people I trust the most, and it distresses me because I sometimes feel like I can't trust anyone.
My fear of my intimacy. I'm afraid of entering a relationship because I'm afraid of being rejected, being heartbroken even if we have a relationship that lasts a long time, and I'm also afraid that I won't be good enough for them. I'm 18, and I've never had a relationship, not even a shallow one, with anyone, ever; and sometimes I'm afraid that I'm going to be alone forever and that sometimes I think I deserve it.
That last one is sad, really, because my deepest inner urge that I can't control is for an intimate relationship. I crave love. I want to hold that special person and have them hold me and we embrace each other and kiss each other passionately and are always always there for each other and we love each other so strongly that nothing will ever tear us apart. I know I believe in that kind of love, but I don't believe that I'll ever experience it, no matter how much I long for it.
Well, if you read this, thanks I guess and sorry to have gotten so depressing, it's just the mood I'm in I guess. I guess I just feel so helpless and confused and uncertain and awkward and I just don't know what to do. This helps a bit. I'm not an overall depressing/negative person, I just have lots of down times, you know?
I cry for help sometimes but I guess I just don't expect an answer or even know how to get one, and sometimes I'm not sure if I even want help, and sometimes I do.
~bhscorch
