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So yeah, dark thoughts...
11 years ago
So, because my depression is all acting up again, flared up by personal lovesickness stuff and daily loneliness, it took a really dark turn tonight.
Needless to say, I highly doubt I'd ever even attempt to take my own life, but I can't stop my mind from going there every once in a while. It's just a part of depression that I've got to live with.
So the one thing I think that's keeping me from actually taking my life isn't the years I'd miss after I was gone. It wouldn't be the life I could have lived. The thing that is stopping me is knowing the impact that it would have on the world around me.
So, among my dark thoughts, I evaluated this.
Roughly 300-400 people would be affected by my suicide. This includes past classmates, teachers, distant family, friends, close family, close friends, coworkers, and any random people professionally involved. Maybe more because of that last kind of personnel.
About 200 of these people would probably be sad that I specifically was gone from this world.
About 50-60 people would find their lives difficult because I had taken my own life.
Probably at least half of these might need to see therapy because of it.
There are roughly 20 people who would be devastated by my suicide, probably 10 or so of them might never recover, and about 5-6 of them might take their own lives as a result. Though, those same people would know that I would never want that of them.
While there is the shock value of how many people would be affected, there's also the dark value of how LITTLE people are affected. I mean, I could maybe see 500 people TOPS affected by my suicide. When I die someday, what will I leave behind? If I died tragically tomorrow, suicide or not, what would be left behind? What kind of life have I led? How many people would suffer over my death, and for how long? I know it seems like both a lot and a few, but the figures only feed into the insignificance that I feel for myself. Like, no matter how special I am to a few, where it really counts, I still feel so utterly small. I've always felt that I could do more with myself, and these figures just make me feel like that barrier stopping myself is lessened, though only slightly.
And still, the knowledge that roughly 10 or 20 people might never get over my death... The key word in my mind is MIGHT. Because I believe that no matter the circumstances of my death, people would move on. And I would be remembered, though probably only distantly.
Needless to say, I highly doubt I'd ever even attempt to take my own life, but I can't stop my mind from going there every once in a while. It's just a part of depression that I've got to live with.
So the one thing I think that's keeping me from actually taking my life isn't the years I'd miss after I was gone. It wouldn't be the life I could have lived. The thing that is stopping me is knowing the impact that it would have on the world around me.
So, among my dark thoughts, I evaluated this.
Roughly 300-400 people would be affected by my suicide. This includes past classmates, teachers, distant family, friends, close family, close friends, coworkers, and any random people professionally involved. Maybe more because of that last kind of personnel.
About 200 of these people would probably be sad that I specifically was gone from this world.
About 50-60 people would find their lives difficult because I had taken my own life.
Probably at least half of these might need to see therapy because of it.
There are roughly 20 people who would be devastated by my suicide, probably 10 or so of them might never recover, and about 5-6 of them might take their own lives as a result. Though, those same people would know that I would never want that of them.
While there is the shock value of how many people would be affected, there's also the dark value of how LITTLE people are affected. I mean, I could maybe see 500 people TOPS affected by my suicide. When I die someday, what will I leave behind? If I died tragically tomorrow, suicide or not, what would be left behind? What kind of life have I led? How many people would suffer over my death, and for how long? I know it seems like both a lot and a few, but the figures only feed into the insignificance that I feel for myself. Like, no matter how special I am to a few, where it really counts, I still feel so utterly small. I've always felt that I could do more with myself, and these figures just make me feel like that barrier stopping myself is lessened, though only slightly.
And still, the knowledge that roughly 10 or 20 people might never get over my death... The key word in my mind is MIGHT. Because I believe that no matter the circumstances of my death, people would move on. And I would be remembered, though probably only distantly.
and 300~400 is a lot, I think less than 10 people would get really sad if i died or killed myself one day, maybe 30 if i count other people in the family and friends I've made :s and.. I actually don't feel bad for that, the less people I hurt, the better, but I would rather leave without making anyone sad :3 but i'd rather not even think about it and make some of them happy while I still can!
I kinda yell at myself in my head that the shit getting old fast and I need to look forward tomorrow or whatever I got planned for.
...sigh
So many people would miss you. :(