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GUESS WHO'S BACK (Back again) -Nanananana, nananana-
14 years ago
WELL HELLO EVERYBODY.
I know I'm an escape artist, I never tried to be. 8D For those who have worried or even thought about me while I was gone, thank you. It's nice to know I was in someone's thoughts. When I logged back on and saw some 'I miss you's I almost cried. (But I didn't, I'm too masculine for tears. >:I -Strikes muscle pose-)
In all seriousness though, I know I've missed a lot. You guys have too. To make a long story short, I had a lot of 'life' going on. A lot of things happened, around me, to me, and in my head. But I'm a much better person now. And I'm going to share my story in hopes that it will help others going through similar circumstances. If you don't want to read a few paragraphs, just know I'm working on art I owe and I'm not disappearing again. I'm just not. Furry is too much a part of me to turn my back on anymore, and now that I've 'found myself' again I'm not going to deny myself the things that make me happy.
For those who battle depression, low self esteem, who want to just make everybody happy and forget about themselves, and for those who are always fighting for the approval of others, I recommend you read on. I understand what you're going through. Be warned this tale is a big negative, and rough, but everything works out okay in the end, I promise.
Although some of these things are hurtful to talk about, thinking I might be able to guide ONE person in the right direction makes taking the time to do this worth it.
Anywho, I've always come off as an easygoing, friendly, happy-go-lucky person. I was and am still always happy to meet someone new. However there's another side to me that most people don't see. I was terrified all the time. ALL THE TIME. Why? I hated myself. I hated the way I looked, and I tried to be a good person but I just never felt good enough for anybody or anything. I basically judged myself 24/7 and having a closely knit group of friends is what kept me going. Being support for them gave me the feeling that I had purpose. And being able to make somebody laugh meant I was worth something.
And that worked okay for a little while. I would distract myself from the problems deep down, because confronting it always resulted in a week if not month-long battle that I would usually lose. I was afraid to face myself, and I always thought my bad qualities outweighed the good. This is where I made my first mistake, as you should love yourself, but we're getting to that. This low self esteem has always been there, as far back as I could remember. I think it all started when my mom was single with 2 kids and I was the 'poor kid' in elementary school. People ridiculed and poked fun at me because I was different. And I've been different all my life. A vicious cycle, I know.
Then developed the horrible trend of dating terrible people. They'd come off as really charming and sweet at first, then act as if they had a problem I can help with. (Because you know, I always wanted a purpose, and predators such as these could see that.) Instantly I was hooked onto this person, and no matter how much they'd leech, abuse, or tear me apart, I would hang on for months and months and months until I just wanted to curl up into a ball and die.
Let me just say this. If someone says they love you and they prey on your insecurities, hit you, intentionally make you cry for no reason, or use you, they don't LOVE you, they WANT you. There's a difference! When somebody LOVES you, they actually CARE about you. When somebody WANTS you they don't care about your feelings, your hopes, your dreams, they just want you all to themselves and as long as they get what they want nothing else matters.
I'm not going to use names, as it's pointless. I've said all I wanted to say, and they've said all they wanted to say. These people are in my past, and that's where they'll stay.
The first one and I were pretty happy, until his more manipulative side came out. It would just be small things, snapping here and there over small disagreements. It didn't make sense, as the person I fell for wasn't like this at all. I kind of brushed it off and thought we'd get through it. Then things got worse, I'd be flipped on for the tiniest thing they didn't like. Soon I was afraid to be myself. Walking on eggshells all the time, wanting to do just what they wanted me to and nothing else. "Why do you insist on making me miserable?" was among one of the many things that would make me feel worse and worse about myself.
Then it would turn into, "You're fat, and your breasts look funny. I could do way better than you." I'd cry and ask "Why?" And then as a response I'd be compared to an ex, because he knew his ex was a size 0, and I wore a size 7 juniors. I loathed myself even more. And worst of all, I believed him. I know now that I was NOT fat, and after months of looking in the mirror to make myself feel better later down the road, my breasts are perfectly fine. THIS WAS A CONTROL TACTIC. DO NOT FALL FOR THESE THINGS.
If somebody is going to treat you like they can do better, It's YOU who can do better. When somebody says 'I love you' it can be the sweetest thing, but people can lie about ANYTHING, even that!
This is when I took my first step back from the fandom. I confided in a good friend of mine what was happening, and he was so very supportive. I then find out he tried to warn another girl about the same person, and he went around telling everybody I was insane to cover his ass. He is fake, FAKE FAKE FAKE, but he has lots of friends, and this group of people hate me for things I have never done.
Then I was cheated on someone I felt so strongly for I was nervous and shy every time I was around him. 8D Then he came back that weekend with a hicky on his neck and was like 'lol my bad I'm sorry let's go out.' This entire situation was fucked up, and I don't let it bother me anymore. But at the time, knowing he cheated on me with a dude, made me hate myself anymore.
Which brings me to my next point. Some people are just flirtacious, some people just want it all. This doesn't mean you aren't 'good enough' or you did something horribly wrong. This means SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST PLAIN SELFISH, GREEDY, and WILL TAKE ALL THEY CAN!
When these things happened, I realized how little support my 'friends' actually were. Don't get me wrong, some people were there for me. But most just watched from a distance as I fell apart. Here's another point for you: If you were there through as many tears as you could be, if you were always that go-to person for when someone needed you, and in the end when you were completely alone everybody was too busy for you?... Well if they only care about you when you're happy, what kind of friend is that?
I learned the hard way that people are selfish creatures. Your heart is a very special thing, and so is your loyalty. If you are a giver, as I am, please please PLEASE do not let people prey on you! There will be bad people in your life, there will be friends to stab you in the back. What matters from that point onward is whether or not you will learn from your experiences and better your life in the future because of them!
At this point drawing was difficult for me. I could still do it a little, but it really didn't make me happy anymore but once in a blue moon. Thinking back on it now, I believe this to be caused by how little I really knew myself. I've failed in building a strong self, and let so many others run my life and make my decisions for me. I let people destroy me. So with no idea who I was anymore, it was hard to draw. As art is expression, but I had no idea what to express.
The last person I dated who just completely destroyed me, pressured me to let him move in which I promptly did because I was just trying to be a good person. It wasn't long before I wasn't allowed to draw, keep friends, log online, be social, or do ANYTHING. My responsibilities were to go to work and pay the bills while he sat on his ass and played XBOX all day.
I worked and tried and changed anything people didn't like. I tried harder and harder and pushed myself even more. But nothing was ever good enough. I would cry with pencil in hand because at this point I just couldn't draw anymore. Any energy I had has been completely drained from me. I didn't feel like my life was worth living. I had settled into the cycle. I was dying on the inside.
But that one day everything changed.. My shit-tastic boyfriend and I at the time got into an argument. It was something so stupid I don't even remember. Before I know it, he shoved me. Something in my head snapped. And I went rabid with rage. Please note hitting somebody is wrong, I do not condone violence. I know this doesn't excuse my actions but I was not in a healthy frame of mind when all of this happened. And I've been told by many that they would've stood up for themselves sooner.
I said something in my defense and threatened him not to touch me. And when he laughed and shoved me again, I just went ballistic. I slapped him as hard as I could, and I saw the fear in his eyes. But it wasn't just that, it was the same look in my eyes. Every time I would look in the mirror I would see the sadness, the emptiness, the fear. Seeing that on someone else made me understand how I have been feeling. This is what he and the others were doing to me.
I lost it. I honestly don't remember any of it. I know that when I snapped out of it he was cowering in the corner on the kitchen floor. At that moment all of these emotions hit me. I was afraid, ashamed of my actions, but at the same time seeing him there like that left me with a feeling of justice. I knew that if I were going to turn this into a statement, I had to stand tall and act proud. I didn't want to be weak anymore, I didn't want to live this life anymore. "If you touch me ever again, I will break both of your wrists so you can never strike a woman again," and I went upstairs and called my mom and planned to pack my things.
This vicious cycle I got caught up in, the things I would let people say and do to me. I didn't deserve that, and neither do you. Love yourself, as there is only one of you. Through all of the difficult things I've experienced, and all of the hardships I went through, the one person who would never leave my side was me. The one person who will be with you from the day you are born til the day you die is yourself. If you are unhappy about yourself, improve yourself!
Don't let depression keep you where you are. If you are unhappy with your life, only you have the power to change it! We all pray for that knight in shining armor to come take us away from this place, but look in the mirror, YOU Have the power within yourself to change things. YOU have the power to become the greatest person you will ever know.
I moved home, where I was completely alone while everyone was at work. I had no friends in the area, nobody to talk to. It was very hard to go from being constantly surrounded by people and the city to move back into the middle of nowhere country. I finally confronted my demons. I finally took the steps I needed. And when I was ready, I started unpacking the boxes of my high-school belongings to make space in my room. This brought back painful memories of the things I have experienced in my younger days, but it had to be done.
I found a terrible drawing of a duck, with a name at the bottom of it. It just so happened this was one of my friends from art class, and if I hadn't found this drawing I would have never found him. I had no idea what his last name was! So I found him on facebook, he was gonna come get me to hang out. Things were starting to get better, my self esteem was coming up little by little, and getting dressed up all cute and styling my mohawk for the day seemed like a good idea. After all I haven't had a friend to hang out with in months, I needed to look nice to make a good first-er, second(?) impression.
Getting in his car I could tell he was nervous. It was instant love. INSTANT love. I was so scared of it though, I was so afraid I was just going to be hurt again. But he was different. I would ask how he felt about this or that. And he would say "I love you just the way you are." I've never heard that before. I cried tears of joy. But I still wasn't happy with myself. And therein lies the true problem, my low self-image, my self-loathing.
I started making changes in my life, I started making myself better and improving the things I was insecure about. Gregg supported me through everything. He wasn't a furry, but he encouraged me to draw our 'characters' together just to see me draw again. He never thought I was fat, but when I started eating right and working out, he told me I needed to do it to make myself happy and that he was there to back me up. When I wanted to quit cigarettes, it might have taken a few months but he quit with me, and he's been smoking since he was 13.
I might not 'love' myself as much as I should, but it has gotten so much better. My quality of life has tripled and it's not just because of my love for this boy, it's because I look in the mirror and I like what I see 1,000x more than I did a year ago. I'm now engaged and since I've found myself my creativity has soared and I have more respect.
If you have a friend or a loved one who is always there for you, don't take them for granted. There is so much more bad than good in the world, and cherish the support you get because not everybody gets it at all. I know what it's like to be completely alone, and I know what it's like to feel love.
Don't let people use you, you're worth too much to be someone's emotional punching bag. Do your best, be a good person, be considerate and understanding, strive for greatness and you will achieve your goals. All of the answers are within yourself. Don't live in regret, everything happens for a reason, you are only as strong as you perceive yourself to be.
Much love everybody.
I know I'm an escape artist, I never tried to be. 8D For those who have worried or even thought about me while I was gone, thank you. It's nice to know I was in someone's thoughts. When I logged back on and saw some 'I miss you's I almost cried. (But I didn't, I'm too masculine for tears. >:I -Strikes muscle pose-)
In all seriousness though, I know I've missed a lot. You guys have too. To make a long story short, I had a lot of 'life' going on. A lot of things happened, around me, to me, and in my head. But I'm a much better person now. And I'm going to share my story in hopes that it will help others going through similar circumstances. If you don't want to read a few paragraphs, just know I'm working on art I owe and I'm not disappearing again. I'm just not. Furry is too much a part of me to turn my back on anymore, and now that I've 'found myself' again I'm not going to deny myself the things that make me happy.
For those who battle depression, low self esteem, who want to just make everybody happy and forget about themselves, and for those who are always fighting for the approval of others, I recommend you read on. I understand what you're going through. Be warned this tale is a big negative, and rough, but everything works out okay in the end, I promise.
Although some of these things are hurtful to talk about, thinking I might be able to guide ONE person in the right direction makes taking the time to do this worth it.
Anywho, I've always come off as an easygoing, friendly, happy-go-lucky person. I was and am still always happy to meet someone new. However there's another side to me that most people don't see. I was terrified all the time. ALL THE TIME. Why? I hated myself. I hated the way I looked, and I tried to be a good person but I just never felt good enough for anybody or anything. I basically judged myself 24/7 and having a closely knit group of friends is what kept me going. Being support for them gave me the feeling that I had purpose. And being able to make somebody laugh meant I was worth something.
And that worked okay for a little while. I would distract myself from the problems deep down, because confronting it always resulted in a week if not month-long battle that I would usually lose. I was afraid to face myself, and I always thought my bad qualities outweighed the good. This is where I made my first mistake, as you should love yourself, but we're getting to that. This low self esteem has always been there, as far back as I could remember. I think it all started when my mom was single with 2 kids and I was the 'poor kid' in elementary school. People ridiculed and poked fun at me because I was different. And I've been different all my life. A vicious cycle, I know.
Then developed the horrible trend of dating terrible people. They'd come off as really charming and sweet at first, then act as if they had a problem I can help with. (Because you know, I always wanted a purpose, and predators such as these could see that.) Instantly I was hooked onto this person, and no matter how much they'd leech, abuse, or tear me apart, I would hang on for months and months and months until I just wanted to curl up into a ball and die.
Let me just say this. If someone says they love you and they prey on your insecurities, hit you, intentionally make you cry for no reason, or use you, they don't LOVE you, they WANT you. There's a difference! When somebody LOVES you, they actually CARE about you. When somebody WANTS you they don't care about your feelings, your hopes, your dreams, they just want you all to themselves and as long as they get what they want nothing else matters.
I'm not going to use names, as it's pointless. I've said all I wanted to say, and they've said all they wanted to say. These people are in my past, and that's where they'll stay.
The first one and I were pretty happy, until his more manipulative side came out. It would just be small things, snapping here and there over small disagreements. It didn't make sense, as the person I fell for wasn't like this at all. I kind of brushed it off and thought we'd get through it. Then things got worse, I'd be flipped on for the tiniest thing they didn't like. Soon I was afraid to be myself. Walking on eggshells all the time, wanting to do just what they wanted me to and nothing else. "Why do you insist on making me miserable?" was among one of the many things that would make me feel worse and worse about myself.
Then it would turn into, "You're fat, and your breasts look funny. I could do way better than you." I'd cry and ask "Why?" And then as a response I'd be compared to an ex, because he knew his ex was a size 0, and I wore a size 7 juniors. I loathed myself even more. And worst of all, I believed him. I know now that I was NOT fat, and after months of looking in the mirror to make myself feel better later down the road, my breasts are perfectly fine. THIS WAS A CONTROL TACTIC. DO NOT FALL FOR THESE THINGS.
If somebody is going to treat you like they can do better, It's YOU who can do better. When somebody says 'I love you' it can be the sweetest thing, but people can lie about ANYTHING, even that!
This is when I took my first step back from the fandom. I confided in a good friend of mine what was happening, and he was so very supportive. I then find out he tried to warn another girl about the same person, and he went around telling everybody I was insane to cover his ass. He is fake, FAKE FAKE FAKE, but he has lots of friends, and this group of people hate me for things I have never done.
Then I was cheated on someone I felt so strongly for I was nervous and shy every time I was around him. 8D Then he came back that weekend with a hicky on his neck and was like 'lol my bad I'm sorry let's go out.' This entire situation was fucked up, and I don't let it bother me anymore. But at the time, knowing he cheated on me with a dude, made me hate myself anymore.
Which brings me to my next point. Some people are just flirtacious, some people just want it all. This doesn't mean you aren't 'good enough' or you did something horribly wrong. This means SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST PLAIN SELFISH, GREEDY, and WILL TAKE ALL THEY CAN!
When these things happened, I realized how little support my 'friends' actually were. Don't get me wrong, some people were there for me. But most just watched from a distance as I fell apart. Here's another point for you: If you were there through as many tears as you could be, if you were always that go-to person for when someone needed you, and in the end when you were completely alone everybody was too busy for you?... Well if they only care about you when you're happy, what kind of friend is that?
I learned the hard way that people are selfish creatures. Your heart is a very special thing, and so is your loyalty. If you are a giver, as I am, please please PLEASE do not let people prey on you! There will be bad people in your life, there will be friends to stab you in the back. What matters from that point onward is whether or not you will learn from your experiences and better your life in the future because of them!
At this point drawing was difficult for me. I could still do it a little, but it really didn't make me happy anymore but once in a blue moon. Thinking back on it now, I believe this to be caused by how little I really knew myself. I've failed in building a strong self, and let so many others run my life and make my decisions for me. I let people destroy me. So with no idea who I was anymore, it was hard to draw. As art is expression, but I had no idea what to express.
The last person I dated who just completely destroyed me, pressured me to let him move in which I promptly did because I was just trying to be a good person. It wasn't long before I wasn't allowed to draw, keep friends, log online, be social, or do ANYTHING. My responsibilities were to go to work and pay the bills while he sat on his ass and played XBOX all day.
I worked and tried and changed anything people didn't like. I tried harder and harder and pushed myself even more. But nothing was ever good enough. I would cry with pencil in hand because at this point I just couldn't draw anymore. Any energy I had has been completely drained from me. I didn't feel like my life was worth living. I had settled into the cycle. I was dying on the inside.
But that one day everything changed.. My shit-tastic boyfriend and I at the time got into an argument. It was something so stupid I don't even remember. Before I know it, he shoved me. Something in my head snapped. And I went rabid with rage. Please note hitting somebody is wrong, I do not condone violence. I know this doesn't excuse my actions but I was not in a healthy frame of mind when all of this happened. And I've been told by many that they would've stood up for themselves sooner.
I said something in my defense and threatened him not to touch me. And when he laughed and shoved me again, I just went ballistic. I slapped him as hard as I could, and I saw the fear in his eyes. But it wasn't just that, it was the same look in my eyes. Every time I would look in the mirror I would see the sadness, the emptiness, the fear. Seeing that on someone else made me understand how I have been feeling. This is what he and the others were doing to me.
I lost it. I honestly don't remember any of it. I know that when I snapped out of it he was cowering in the corner on the kitchen floor. At that moment all of these emotions hit me. I was afraid, ashamed of my actions, but at the same time seeing him there like that left me with a feeling of justice. I knew that if I were going to turn this into a statement, I had to stand tall and act proud. I didn't want to be weak anymore, I didn't want to live this life anymore. "If you touch me ever again, I will break both of your wrists so you can never strike a woman again," and I went upstairs and called my mom and planned to pack my things.
This vicious cycle I got caught up in, the things I would let people say and do to me. I didn't deserve that, and neither do you. Love yourself, as there is only one of you. Through all of the difficult things I've experienced, and all of the hardships I went through, the one person who would never leave my side was me. The one person who will be with you from the day you are born til the day you die is yourself. If you are unhappy about yourself, improve yourself!
Don't let depression keep you where you are. If you are unhappy with your life, only you have the power to change it! We all pray for that knight in shining armor to come take us away from this place, but look in the mirror, YOU Have the power within yourself to change things. YOU have the power to become the greatest person you will ever know.
I moved home, where I was completely alone while everyone was at work. I had no friends in the area, nobody to talk to. It was very hard to go from being constantly surrounded by people and the city to move back into the middle of nowhere country. I finally confronted my demons. I finally took the steps I needed. And when I was ready, I started unpacking the boxes of my high-school belongings to make space in my room. This brought back painful memories of the things I have experienced in my younger days, but it had to be done.
I found a terrible drawing of a duck, with a name at the bottom of it. It just so happened this was one of my friends from art class, and if I hadn't found this drawing I would have never found him. I had no idea what his last name was! So I found him on facebook, he was gonna come get me to hang out. Things were starting to get better, my self esteem was coming up little by little, and getting dressed up all cute and styling my mohawk for the day seemed like a good idea. After all I haven't had a friend to hang out with in months, I needed to look nice to make a good first-er, second(?) impression.
Getting in his car I could tell he was nervous. It was instant love. INSTANT love. I was so scared of it though, I was so afraid I was just going to be hurt again. But he was different. I would ask how he felt about this or that. And he would say "I love you just the way you are." I've never heard that before. I cried tears of joy. But I still wasn't happy with myself. And therein lies the true problem, my low self-image, my self-loathing.
I started making changes in my life, I started making myself better and improving the things I was insecure about. Gregg supported me through everything. He wasn't a furry, but he encouraged me to draw our 'characters' together just to see me draw again. He never thought I was fat, but when I started eating right and working out, he told me I needed to do it to make myself happy and that he was there to back me up. When I wanted to quit cigarettes, it might have taken a few months but he quit with me, and he's been smoking since he was 13.
I might not 'love' myself as much as I should, but it has gotten so much better. My quality of life has tripled and it's not just because of my love for this boy, it's because I look in the mirror and I like what I see 1,000x more than I did a year ago. I'm now engaged and since I've found myself my creativity has soared and I have more respect.
If you have a friend or a loved one who is always there for you, don't take them for granted. There is so much more bad than good in the world, and cherish the support you get because not everybody gets it at all. I know what it's like to be completely alone, and I know what it's like to feel love.
Don't let people use you, you're worth too much to be someone's emotional punching bag. Do your best, be a good person, be considerate and understanding, strive for greatness and you will achieve your goals. All of the answers are within yourself. Don't live in regret, everything happens for a reason, you are only as strong as you perceive yourself to be.
Much love everybody.
The Art To-Do:
* Badge, full piece - On hold, Coloring
* Colored sketch - Brainstorming
$10 Sketches
The trade list: (Currently on hold)
That hit... pretty hard.
I'm bawling right now. ._.
*squeezes* Good to have you back. You have been missed <3
Thanks. -hugs tight- I have really missed you too. :)
A strong read. Believe me too..I know what this is like really...though nowadays its me by myself verses myself..heh.
Glad to see you're around still.
I'll be honest I almost cried while reading that. D= It was beautifully written and truly inspiring.
I really wish I could have been there to help you out during those times. I'm glad you made it through all that though.
I've always thought you were a great person, and it's good to know you finally see that too. :)
*hugs tight*
-hugs tight- Thank you so much, you're really great too! And I know if we were better at keeping in touch you woupd have been there for me. :) Maybe being back on fa will help our communication a little too.