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Messages from the Gabriel LaVediers of the world...
13 years ago
Over the last eight months, in amongst the tremendous outpouring of love from the brony community, I have gotten three or four messages like the one below.
I honestly don't know how to respond to messages like this. Or if I even should. And usually, the message is a single email or note, shot from the dark. Unless I should chose to pursue it, the person will have had their say and crawled away. My one attempt to actually respond to this sort of outpouring was rather disasterous -- the man was so hate-filled and miserable that he now trolls the works of others, taking opportunities to pour out his vitriol. (And thus, he earns the name mention in the journal title... unlike the others, he has made a public display of his sink into envy and bitterness.)
Alright. Dignity gone, nothing to lose. I'm going to regret this - not something I doubt for a bloody moment - but at least I'll have accomplished what I set out to do.
This needs a preface. My last wish - genuine, and honest - is that this be a great guilt-trip. You've done nothing wrong. God forbid. Moreover, this is something for me; hopefully a detox of poison for myself. But despite what I'm about to say, I think you deserve every bit of whatever good that's come your way.
I'm [name withheld], brony, former fanfic writer. I wrote [fanfic name withheld], and afterwards, its sequel, [also withheld]. Story involved a - God help me - human in Equestria. It also came out prior to the giant boom in pony popularity (the number of pageviews on EQD quite literally tripled (!) at the end of Season 1), and the sequel, well. Prior to its release I had so many dreams. First came Fallout: Equestria. Then came Past Sins. Next, third on that list of FiM-fiction stars would be [fanfic name withheld]. I imagined the names - LittlePip, Nyx, [character name withheld]. Tragically, the sequel was forced to be released in its track draft format; the story wasn't even done when I submitted it. It received a bump on its EQD page, small coverage on /fic/ and a one-shot update on my DeviantArt account after months of work (which is, by all means, mea culpa - I spun my wheels to a ridiculous degree on the story's timeline and synopsis). I had to drop out of bronydom thereafter for reasons I wish I could go into, but can't.
And so my 150,000 word story came to fall onto the wayside, left to dream of breaking four digits worth of views. And in the meantime, other stories piled on comments, ratings, fan-to-author contacts - the works. I couldn't goddamn help myself. My envy - it's like an injection of poison, a toxic substance, an actually physical feeling. Game mods, fanart - even a song dedicated to LittlePip. A song. TVTropes pages. Limit-breaking comment sections. Side-stories in the dozens. I can't help it - this envy is corroding me. I wouldn't have it any other way than what's popular be popular - I wouldn't choose any other person than the one who deserves it to have it - but God help me, my envy doesn't answer to my logic. I can't sodding help it. A titan in all other areas of my life, and a crumbling wreck in this one.
I'm the first to point out that popularity and fame doesn't equate to how skilled a writer is with their prose. But even with this in tow, even knowing this, somewhere along the line I accepted I was out for fame, out for popularity - a far cry from the centered individual I envisioned myself as. For good or for ill, it's what I sought. It's not what I want to want to seek, but it's what I seek; maybe I can learn to do without the crowds of adoration, and subsist on the honest words of the small few who choose to speak, but right now that's just not the case.
Why do I think telling you this would help? I have no idea. It feels as if it would help even if this note doesn't go anywhere. I refused to read FO:E because it was an insult to read someone's work when you weren't remotely capable of appreciating it for its full value. It would have been an insult from me to you to do that. I couldn't bring myself to do such a thing. Maybe I've suffered in silence for long enough that it's a relief to have a voice, for however long, to whomever. I don't expect a result of this note other than an extremely irritated putdown. Lord knows if you've received something like this from any number of someone-elses. But even if it does, I can feel already a bettering. Hell, I even made sure that if anyone ever looked on my work in the same way - if anyone felt the same way about my work, as I feel about yours - that I had laid enough comments, recorded voice diary entries, that they would see that I was just the same as them, if I ever rose to such heights as I wished to achieve. I never, ever wanted to be the cause of this to anyone else. Nobody should feel so...so mediocre.
But that's just the thing. If one person has to be exceptional, another must be mediocre by comparison. I wish that it was someone else who didn't care quite so massively about it, though.
Amadeus - the movie - tells a story about a composer who is constantly upstaged by Mozart, the musical progidy; how his work paled in comparison to Mozart, and how it haunted him, every second. That movie was painful to watch; my Salieri to your Mozart. Unfortunately, as a small tangent, as you might imagine - and I say this with a bit of a smile, actually - Fallout games are a no-go anymore, which is a shame, because I played Fallout 3 to death - all the skill books, all the bobbleheads, every skill to 100 (or nearly. My PC died shortly before I reached it), but with this crippling envy of mine, well. By no means is that something I hold against you personally - really, it's something to make me laugh at myself.
Proofreading this note is not a pleasant experience. But it is a purifying one. I'm clueless as to why this is helping, but the fact remains that it does, and so I guess I will actually send this afterall. I'm currently working on a new novel that I intend to publish - maybe I'll strike gold there?
This note needs work. But I think the general message is across. So, as you can imagine being the nervous wreck that I so clearly am, I imagine your receiving this message will inspire a great deal of ire or irritation; either way, I won't contact you again unless replied to. I expect nothing...the point was writing down the above text and sending it to you. In that regard, maybe I can start on the road to finding inner peace, if you don't mind my using dramatic terminology. I'm at a loss for how to phrase that with more taste and class at the moment.
I only hope that, in writing out his feelings, this individual and those like him can start to find healing. Or at least move on.
As for myself, I will not feel guilty for having created something that means so much to so many, and that has inspired so many to create works of their own.
I can offer my pity to those like the individual above who allow themselves to become mired in such negativity, but the fault is not mine nor that of the fans. These few, rare people have done this to themselves, and have no one else to blame.
I honestly don't know how to respond to messages like this. Or if I even should. And usually, the message is a single email or note, shot from the dark. Unless I should chose to pursue it, the person will have had their say and crawled away. My one attempt to actually respond to this sort of outpouring was rather disasterous -- the man was so hate-filled and miserable that he now trolls the works of others, taking opportunities to pour out his vitriol. (And thus, he earns the name mention in the journal title... unlike the others, he has made a public display of his sink into envy and bitterness.)
Alright. Dignity gone, nothing to lose. I'm going to regret this - not something I doubt for a bloody moment - but at least I'll have accomplished what I set out to do.
This needs a preface. My last wish - genuine, and honest - is that this be a great guilt-trip. You've done nothing wrong. God forbid. Moreover, this is something for me; hopefully a detox of poison for myself. But despite what I'm about to say, I think you deserve every bit of whatever good that's come your way.
I'm [name withheld], brony, former fanfic writer. I wrote [fanfic name withheld], and afterwards, its sequel, [also withheld]. Story involved a - God help me - human in Equestria. It also came out prior to the giant boom in pony popularity (the number of pageviews on EQD quite literally tripled (!) at the end of Season 1), and the sequel, well. Prior to its release I had so many dreams. First came Fallout: Equestria. Then came Past Sins. Next, third on that list of FiM-fiction stars would be [fanfic name withheld]. I imagined the names - LittlePip, Nyx, [character name withheld]. Tragically, the sequel was forced to be released in its track draft format; the story wasn't even done when I submitted it. It received a bump on its EQD page, small coverage on /fic/ and a one-shot update on my DeviantArt account after months of work (which is, by all means, mea culpa - I spun my wheels to a ridiculous degree on the story's timeline and synopsis). I had to drop out of bronydom thereafter for reasons I wish I could go into, but can't.
And so my 150,000 word story came to fall onto the wayside, left to dream of breaking four digits worth of views. And in the meantime, other stories piled on comments, ratings, fan-to-author contacts - the works. I couldn't goddamn help myself. My envy - it's like an injection of poison, a toxic substance, an actually physical feeling. Game mods, fanart - even a song dedicated to LittlePip. A song. TVTropes pages. Limit-breaking comment sections. Side-stories in the dozens. I can't help it - this envy is corroding me. I wouldn't have it any other way than what's popular be popular - I wouldn't choose any other person than the one who deserves it to have it - but God help me, my envy doesn't answer to my logic. I can't sodding help it. A titan in all other areas of my life, and a crumbling wreck in this one.
I'm the first to point out that popularity and fame doesn't equate to how skilled a writer is with their prose. But even with this in tow, even knowing this, somewhere along the line I accepted I was out for fame, out for popularity - a far cry from the centered individual I envisioned myself as. For good or for ill, it's what I sought. It's not what I want to want to seek, but it's what I seek; maybe I can learn to do without the crowds of adoration, and subsist on the honest words of the small few who choose to speak, but right now that's just not the case.
Why do I think telling you this would help? I have no idea. It feels as if it would help even if this note doesn't go anywhere. I refused to read FO:E because it was an insult to read someone's work when you weren't remotely capable of appreciating it for its full value. It would have been an insult from me to you to do that. I couldn't bring myself to do such a thing. Maybe I've suffered in silence for long enough that it's a relief to have a voice, for however long, to whomever. I don't expect a result of this note other than an extremely irritated putdown. Lord knows if you've received something like this from any number of someone-elses. But even if it does, I can feel already a bettering. Hell, I even made sure that if anyone ever looked on my work in the same way - if anyone felt the same way about my work, as I feel about yours - that I had laid enough comments, recorded voice diary entries, that they would see that I was just the same as them, if I ever rose to such heights as I wished to achieve. I never, ever wanted to be the cause of this to anyone else. Nobody should feel so...so mediocre.
But that's just the thing. If one person has to be exceptional, another must be mediocre by comparison. I wish that it was someone else who didn't care quite so massively about it, though.
Amadeus - the movie - tells a story about a composer who is constantly upstaged by Mozart, the musical progidy; how his work paled in comparison to Mozart, and how it haunted him, every second. That movie was painful to watch; my Salieri to your Mozart. Unfortunately, as a small tangent, as you might imagine - and I say this with a bit of a smile, actually - Fallout games are a no-go anymore, which is a shame, because I played Fallout 3 to death - all the skill books, all the bobbleheads, every skill to 100 (or nearly. My PC died shortly before I reached it), but with this crippling envy of mine, well. By no means is that something I hold against you personally - really, it's something to make me laugh at myself.
Proofreading this note is not a pleasant experience. But it is a purifying one. I'm clueless as to why this is helping, but the fact remains that it does, and so I guess I will actually send this afterall. I'm currently working on a new novel that I intend to publish - maybe I'll strike gold there?
This note needs work. But I think the general message is across. So, as you can imagine being the nervous wreck that I so clearly am, I imagine your receiving this message will inspire a great deal of ire or irritation; either way, I won't contact you again unless replied to. I expect nothing...the point was writing down the above text and sending it to you. In that regard, maybe I can start on the road to finding inner peace, if you don't mind my using dramatic terminology. I'm at a loss for how to phrase that with more taste and class at the moment.
I only hope that, in writing out his feelings, this individual and those like him can start to find healing. Or at least move on.
As for myself, I will not feel guilty for having created something that means so much to so many, and that has inspired so many to create works of their own.
I can offer my pity to those like the individual above who allow themselves to become mired in such negativity, but the fault is not mine nor that of the fans. These few, rare people have done this to themselves, and have no one else to blame.
Can this be considered hatemail anyway? This person seems to have a lot more vile and hate for himself than for anyone else. I honestly don't even pity him. I am with you: He/She/It did this to him/her/itself and there's no one else to blame.
I really hope that author can come to terms with his feelings someday.
We all love Fallout: Equestria because, obvious level of quality aside, it's something you poured your heart and soul into, and that's something very few people nowadays. You should never ever let guys like this tell you different ^^ You're awesome, and that awesomeness has inspired so many to try to emulate that awesomeness, resulting in this sub-subculture community that remains one of my favourite places to hang out on the internet.
I hope that people like the one in this journal entry can get better, but if they choose to mire in their own regrets and not move forward, then that's their problem. Admittedly, people who don't try to better themselves are one of my biggest pet peeves, and trying to blame someone else for their own lack of progress is just an excuse. Life is about moving forward. If you come across something you see as an obstacle, you should overcome it, or at the very least go around it. Laying down and wallowing in whatever ponies are supposed to wallow in doesn't get you anywhere.
I sincerely hope that people like Gabriel can get over their lamentations and regrets, but any inability or unwillingness to do so leaves them with only themselves to blame. Kkat, you should never EVER EVER EVER EVER (That's 4 evers) let anypony tell you you're to blame for their own shortcomings.
But I guess the only thing one could do, is as always, see other peoples success as a way to drive yourself forward, getting better at whatever it is you do...
Also, this is fan fiction; it's hardly a serious terrain for competing anyway. Fallout: Equestria does stand out as an epic in the MLP fan fiction community... but if you look at it rationally, no one besides the bronies will even bother giving it a try. It's still just fan fiction. Nothing to get worked up about. Even for people seriously considering a writing career, fan fiction is something that can, at best, be seen as writing practice, no matter the response.
I'm curious - when did "Ars gratia artis" suddenly have 'winners' and 'losers'? I thought the whole point was to create and grow from the experience?
...or am I just a little too naive?
Or, to carry the analogy better: maybe FOE had become -- through no intent or malice -- his "Mysterious Mare-Do-Well" (since it has so many artists, authors, composers and other contributors that make it so incredible).
Okay, I'll stop this analogy now.
http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/.....equestria.html
The site has g.docs links to individual chapters, as well as links to the continuing Fallout: Equestria audiobook project and a link to where you can download a e-reader friendly .pdf compilation.
The site below has a compilation of all the Fallout: Equestria side stories or spin-offs written by other authors, as well as the art and music and other fan creations. In addition, it has a forum for general discussion, and is the site for several ongoing roleplaying games set in the Fallout: Equestria universe. (Right now, there are at least five games going, playtesting two different RPG systems.) Check it out.
http://fallout-equestria.com/
And if you decide to read the story, please let me know what you think every few chapters. I'd love to hear your feedback.
http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/.....equestria.html
Start with the Intro and go from there. All Forty-Five chapters, plus Intro, Prologue, Epilogue and Afterword are mine.
http://fallout-equestria.com/story/1
As for the rest, ignore it, don't let it bother you.
Even if the story I am working on doesn't even get half the support, heck even if it doesn't get 1/10th or 1/50th the support yours did I will still count it as a success because it it something I wanted to write and I completed it.
But I thought about it more, and the more I thought about it, the more I thought of Dead Money. I agree that they could've handled the level design better for it, or that they could've written it a bit less ham-fisted. But Obsidian actually had a good point there, just kind of roughly put. What we feel isn't just envy, it's greed. Greed isn't as easy to define as "I want to horde things". If it were, what lesson would there be in watching dog try to deal with both personalities, each wrestling with each other for control? What would the lesson be for Christina, who only wants vengeance for what Elijah did to her?
Greed isn't the desire for things. It, along with his brother envy, is simply a matter of obsession. The best ending for Dead Money isn't getting all that you want, a small pile of gold bars temptingly placed at the end which you'll have to empty all of your memories in the form of what you scavenged from the Sierra Madre, or all that your friends got what they wanted. It's that they found themselves at peace with their greed and let go of their obsessions. It's that you left Elijah, the main antagonist of the DLC, alone to poison himself with the Sierra Madre for the rest of eternity. And as for the protagonist, he doesn't go back knowing he's richer (even though a good wanderer would've clear the casino for all it was worth and ended up with a bajillion stimpacks), but he goes back knowing that he had a part of watching the events around him resolve themselves.
So I come back to the point. Why does he, and by extension everyone who wrote one of these, feel like this? He's obsessed with trying to be a good, popular author and they felt that they were so close to doing something Kkat did that he let himself hold onto hot coals. The only cure for that hurt, though, is to drop that self-indulgent pain and try, try again. I hope anyone who wrote one of these doesn't pull an Elijah and let it poison them so much, that they couldn't see anything else. And to anyone who did write one of these, will write one of these, I hope you find your closure. But you're gonna have to look inside yourself to find it.
TL;DR - "Begin again. Let go."
Van Gogh died having sold only one painting in his whole life, having painted more than 900.
So, is a man and their vision to be judjed by the fame they achieve in life? Probably not.
This is a very crucial point: so many artists wrongly pursue fame as a primary objective, while instead the real artists write/draw/sculpt/compose with completely different intents first, like putting some of their imagination (which can reach screaming levels of insistent :p ) down in some media, sharing one's passion about something with same-minded individuals, and/or sharing the love for finely-crafted things, not to mention actually having fun with their practice.
And then there's just those who art to seek popularity, who in doing so wrong themselves regardless of the outcome: if they actually reach popularity, they will mostly do so by uninspired work that caters to the masses (using a broad definition of masses here, as in, the broad majority of the intended audience for one piece), and feel empty in the process because of this, even if they did achieve what they were looking for; and if they don't, then they will be stuck in a downward spiral of frustration of trying something, not getting popular, feeling bad about it, and letting that influence their next works, so that they never truly soar above their petty envy and/or feelings of inadequacy.
To cite one example out of many, so many classical composers in the old times wrote just for popularity, for making a living, and most got forgotten almost entirely, with their petty songs -that just appealed whatever silly taste was in vogue at that point in time- not being nowhere near 'truly good' enough to stand the test of time. It is a thing that indeed has happened, and still happens, to composers of all genres.
Popularity is not something you control, and if pop music is of any indication (or any passing trend really), it isn't always (or most times really) right on what is actually good, and this happens in both senses. So, why in the blazes would one measue his/her worth basing on how popular their work is? It's abandoning oneself to the whim of vogue, and that's nothing short of insane.
The spotlight of popularity is, by definition, something that can't be spread too wide, and limited to only a few pieces at a time. Doing worthy pieces of art, however, has no such limitations.
You can go browse any of the art sites like FA or DA and see countless amazing artists that don't get the fame that they would rightly deserve (of course, all such considerations are just personal opinions, pretty much by definition). Is it unfair? Yeah, a little. Harrowing? Only if you let it be such to yourself. Should that discourage you to pursue your artistic path of improvement? Absolutely not.
Don't write to appease the masses, write to appease the individual people. Starting from yourself. (This, while most obvious, is sometimes forgotten, and that's truly unforgivable).
DON'T.
You did the right thing.
Welcome to "fame". This and a dollar might buy you a cola.
I only hope that the author of this particular note has been able to move on and leave all these self-hurting feelings behind.
If taking the time to write this dissertation on why this individual felt so eclipsed by you was self-medicating or detoxifying, then bolly for them (pip pip), but in the end...what did it accomplish beyond that? Did it serve to fuel their passion to become a better author? I suppose time will tell, but if all they do is merely retreat back to their hovel to sulk and curse then this was little more than a selfish endeavor on their part to somehow make themselves feel better by stating how jealous they were of your success and your achievements. Perhaps this is where the mediocrity they cited stems from. Good people strive to make things better. Mediocre people complain.