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Inactivity
13 years ago
Often I find myself more and more distant with folks. And it's often due to my inactivity I think. Been busy simply working, eating and sleeping nowadays. Yeah, I know that's not really a great excuse, but it's the only thing I can really think of.
I tend to be a bit of a hermit IRL and this kind of affects me online and I'll explain. I've been traumatized with plenty of times in life, growing up too fast is one of them but socializing has been one of those things that got me the worst.
My parents would get angry and freak out whenever I have friends over, and kick them out on the spot. I've had friends who were part of a small gang, friends who were thieves, and friends who would hurt me and I thought these things were all okay at one point. I've been robbed by friends, been humiliated, manipulated and beaten up by them. So over the years I turned into a monster, in which one day, I found my way through video games, and pets. Although pets didn't last long. But I had video games! Then R.L. Stine, then the internet! THEN ONLINE PLAY. ZOMG. Ragnarok Online ruined my HS social life. lol Or rather, I've just been too different.
And you know, I still am. Sometimes I feel like, I don't really quite fit in here on FA. I can't art anymore, I've tried. Instead, I just draw the same things over which is just creepy now. I might give a hand a writing, I dunno. I'm not going to spend my hard earned money on art just to be popular. Nor am I going to sex up and mingle with random strangers. To earn fame. I know I have my needs, I have a bit of lust, it's all part of being human and all but I have standards. Plus, there's only so much you can to do. I want something REAAALLL. ;P But anyways, I digress.
I want to me known for being me. But the problem is I don't quite know what it is that makes me, me. So I know, there's a bit of a catch 22 there lol I'm trying to find my way. I'm really a curious person, so often times, I'm always looking at random things, constantly trying to find activities that reflect my mood at that moment. I'm always trying to find ways to be a better person.
Like right now, I'm looking into Hydroponics ! It's the art of gardening without soil. I've always wanted to grow things. Why? Because I just really love nature, in so many ways. I'm truly blessed to live in California where I can truly explore different climates. And of course, my heart is at the beach. I mean, I dunno if it's because I was born by it but maan. Sea life is truly amazing. But the same with flowers, and animals out in the forest too !
As you can see, I'm slowly starting to steer my way off the grid and into the great outdoors. A few catches are, I can't quite travel around just yet cause I'm still lacking a car... but there are buses. Not that I've used it often but I just might. So this just makes me want to read or study what I can. I always try to learn something new and look into it. I like putting things together. But anyways, at this moment now, I'm often just been zombified lately because of work.
I dunno, there's just so much on my mind. A lot of times, it leaves me gloomy. I figured out that it's cause I'm tired or just lacking vitamins or something, I dunno. Temporary feelings. That's all.
Anyway, if you wanna keep touch, there's always one way or another, I try to make the time whenever I'm online. But of course, I only have so much.
But anyways, how are you? :o
I tend to be a bit of a hermit IRL and this kind of affects me online and I'll explain. I've been traumatized with plenty of times in life, growing up too fast is one of them but socializing has been one of those things that got me the worst.
My parents would get angry and freak out whenever I have friends over, and kick them out on the spot. I've had friends who were part of a small gang, friends who were thieves, and friends who would hurt me and I thought these things were all okay at one point. I've been robbed by friends, been humiliated, manipulated and beaten up by them. So over the years I turned into a monster, in which one day, I found my way through video games, and pets. Although pets didn't last long. But I had video games! Then R.L. Stine, then the internet! THEN ONLINE PLAY. ZOMG. Ragnarok Online ruined my HS social life. lol Or rather, I've just been too different.
And you know, I still am. Sometimes I feel like, I don't really quite fit in here on FA. I can't art anymore, I've tried. Instead, I just draw the same things over which is just creepy now. I might give a hand a writing, I dunno. I'm not going to spend my hard earned money on art just to be popular. Nor am I going to sex up and mingle with random strangers. To earn fame. I know I have my needs, I have a bit of lust, it's all part of being human and all but I have standards. Plus, there's only so much you can to do. I want something REAAALLL. ;P But anyways, I digress.
I want to me known for being me. But the problem is I don't quite know what it is that makes me, me. So I know, there's a bit of a catch 22 there lol I'm trying to find my way. I'm really a curious person, so often times, I'm always looking at random things, constantly trying to find activities that reflect my mood at that moment. I'm always trying to find ways to be a better person.
Like right now, I'm looking into Hydroponics ! It's the art of gardening without soil. I've always wanted to grow things. Why? Because I just really love nature, in so many ways. I'm truly blessed to live in California where I can truly explore different climates. And of course, my heart is at the beach. I mean, I dunno if it's because I was born by it but maan. Sea life is truly amazing. But the same with flowers, and animals out in the forest too !
As you can see, I'm slowly starting to steer my way off the grid and into the great outdoors. A few catches are, I can't quite travel around just yet cause I'm still lacking a car... but there are buses. Not that I've used it often but I just might. So this just makes me want to read or study what I can. I always try to learn something new and look into it. I like putting things together. But anyways, at this moment now, I'm often just been zombified lately because of work.
I dunno, there's just so much on my mind. A lot of times, it leaves me gloomy. I figured out that it's cause I'm tired or just lacking vitamins or something, I dunno. Temporary feelings. That's all.
Anyway, if you wanna keep touch, there's always one way or another, I try to make the time whenever I'm online. But of course, I only have so much.
But anyways, how are you? :o
