Death has never scared me.
The fact that dieing alone is the only thing that scares my very soul.

So take in account that when the pressures of life dangle over my head and then crush me like boulder cause me to do something stupid.
Lets take a step back and put a little history on this. When I was in high school and basically learning about the shiny new world...and by shiny, I mean covered in shit. Being a heavy set person, I was social unpopular and my only friends were people that shared the same social stigmas.

Fast Forwards to when I am without my supporting friends to an Christian private school. I taking the the stress of dealing with life poorly and I took in as sign that I was bad... I took pills in an attempt to shock my system and kill myself. One awkward morning later, I faced the day knowing I didn't want to and had tried to not. I spoke my teacher, my family, and my friends that weekend and nothing got any shinier.

As sad as it may sound, after that point I valued myself by those around me. For any one that didn't like me, I went out of my way to either have them hate me or like me.

Fast forward through my first love, who cheated on me, my second love, who left me cause I ran out of money, and some friends who become tossers for drugs and another relationship that I fucked up myself. Its a hard night and my chest felt like someone carve the cavity out. I'm sparing the details as to why but I took pills to try once again to end my miserable feeling that was my life and not fitting...

Its morning.... Afternoon... my IRL friend comes to check on me. She comes to my room to find me passed out but alive after she got calls that I did something stupid. I did do something stupid. She proceeds to tell me how stupid it was and scold me for the stupid thing I did. She leaves and I spent 20+ mins pondering what the fuck to do. I got out of bed and spoke to my grandparents about what I did and I got the most shocked look from them. my grandmother yelled at me and ask why I would do it and I simple explained that I didn't know. MY grandfather and myself spent a good time talking and despite what happened to my mother at my age, He said I don't have to be committed or take drugs.

To all of those that I gave a scare to last night, I'm sorry. I never thought as an adult I would do something so stupid and selfish. I never think of others when I find myself in the odd spots. I'm a train wreck and will always be one. What keeps me glued together is my friends. I'm sorry I trouble each and every one of you. Just hang in there with me. I have a problem. I know I do. This is me admitting it.

Edit: Thank you for all of those that yelled at me for being stupid but still gave me hug and told me you cared. I know this is going to haunt my relationships with you but I'll do my best to make your caring matter.