I really want to draw something, but for the past year, 2 years or so I have been unable to draw or write almost anything. I don't know if it has to do with depression or what. I have all these great art and story ideas and they are stuck in my head... If I try to draw something, it ends up terrible and nowhere near as good as I can draw. Perhaps it might be because I haven't drawn in so long or because I've lost what joy I used to get out of drawing. I'd really like to have some program I can do digital art with, but that would mean buying something and I can't just buy whatever I want especially internet purchases because of my mom having control over what I buy except for the money in my pocket that comes from my father, who currently can't give me money because he's been jobless for like 5 years and he's gonna be homeless if the government or whatever doesn't let him have his friend's house that was willed to him, and his brother is going to kick him out of his current house because it (and everything in it) was willed to him. My mom sees most things I like as either something childish I'm going to grow out of (bitch please, I've been drawing furries since I could pick up a pencil and all my life I've been obsessed with costuming of all kinds, your argument is invalid). I may be getting a good sum of money. My dad says nanny told him she left me money, and if I know her, she wouldn't leave me nothing as she and grandaddy loved giving me money. Grandaddy made sure she remembered to give me my "varmint money" on his death bed, that's how important I was to them. My mother has doubts if my dad is right, but I have been told by the official over the will people that I'm getting something, just not what. While my mother legally has no control over the money I recieve from nanny, she will definately not allow me to keep it in my pockets, and even if she did, she has control over what I buy online because she is the controller of the paypal account. She wants me to spend the money on clothes, more memory for my laptop, and other things she sees as necessities even though I am not in dire need of any necessities. I get a disability check for necessities. Those who are familiar with being on disability know you have to keep your banked money under a certain amount. The money willed to me by nanny, because the government (whoever's over the disability money) knows about it because a will is a legal doctrine, will put me over my limit. They have said I can recieve it if I spend it in less than 30 days or they will take away the amount of money i recieve from them. They are already doing this because I went over two months without even knowing it. Something to do with money in another account mom made when I was like 6 or so that they told my mother was okay, but in reality were counting it against my limit the whole time.

So what does any of this have to do with anything furry related, you might be asking? Let's see.... I'm gettting $1000. This makes my dream of having a fursuit have a chance at reality. Of course, being overweight and heat sensitive, I'd be getting a partial. Also because my mother says a fullsuit wouldn't be a good idea because I may not like wearing just a partial, even though I don't think its too much different from my storebought werewolf masks and gloves, except a bit hotter, heavier, and possibly better vision if made to fit my measurements. She is right that getting a partial first is a good idea. However, she wants me to find the cheapest used one possible while still decent quality. I am not going to buy just any partial, if I do not connect with the suit, no matter how pretty it is, it would be a pointless buy. There is one on furbuy she really likes, and while it is a gorgeous wolf, (and I am looking for a wolf, or a fox, or although impossible to hope for, a thylacine), but I don't see it as anything more than I do my werewolf masks... Just an outfit. I am looking for something to be an extension of myself. I'm also wanting to do charity work in a fursuit, and the one she likes are realistic masks, and toony faces are better for working with children. She admits this, so I'm are trying to find something inbetween. I would rather spend money on a custom than someone else's. The makers that have the look I'm going for are too expensive. A good example of realistic toony would be OneFurAll. While I do have an extra $790 sitting around, she's saving it for when I take college classes.

There's one big problem with everything, and that's the 30 days I have to spend it once I get it. Any suits I see for sale right now I cannot buy as most people want to sell stuff asap so I probably cant find someone to do layaway. When I do get the money, I have 30 days to either find a used one or pay in full for a commission. Most makers charge more than my mom wants me to spend, as she is not going to let me spend the entire $1000, even though she can't legally do that. Unless she can and there's a way none of us know of. She'll do it anyway of course, not out of any desire to use the money for herself (like my paranoid father believes she will), but out of concern that I am buying something I'll use once and get rid of. I haven't told her that that is something that indeed can happen as I have seen people say that. I am not so much afraid of getting rid of it once I buy one, but more afraid that I won't be able to wear it. My mother used to work in a nursing home (I literally grew up around those about to die), and I have a friend who has connections with the Special Olympics who would try her hardest to help me as she knows how much I enjoy being around those with special needs. In the event that she couldn't get me in, what would I do then? I've heard of people who work in such areas who lost their job because their boss came across the bad stuff said about furries. I have seen twice outside the petstore I help out at someone in a moose suit, dunno what they are promoting as they seemed to be holding a sign. If I am unable to find someplace to volunteer or work for, I have no idea what I would do other than wear it at halloween or if FuRaleigh becomes a real deal, as there are no furry themed things I know of in my area, and if there were I don't know how I'd find out. You might be thinking that I should just wear it around the house as many furries do. I can't do that for two reasons. One, there are three English Mastiffs in the house that would freak out. I suppose they would get used to it, one being afraid of everything, the other shy, and one who would probably see me as a giant chew toy as she is still in the puppy mindset. There are three other Mastiffs not in the house that would probably not give two thoughts about it. Incase you didn't realize, my family breeds English Mastiffs. Yes, the idea of a Mastiff fursuit has crossed my mind, my mother would probably love that idea, but as I said earlier, it would probably be no more than a suit to me. There is still another reason I couldn't wear it around the house, the same reason I nolonger wear my werewolf masks like I used to... My stepfather. He has ridiculed me for liking anime, videogames, stuffed animals, and for being generally weird for years. God forbid he knows anything of furries, because with him it would be the negative shit. He'd make fun of me either way of course. This is a man who think its funny to whisper to us (me and mom) making fun of fat people eating when we are at restaurants even though we are both overweight. This is a man who makes me feel unwelcome in my own house. My mother says I imagine the glares and scoffs. I don't imagine living on my own anytime soon, as mom won't let me until I am mature enough, though in the environment I live in it is hard. Legally she can't keep me, but she won't let me leave knowing I have nowhere to go but live with my father, and while I love my dad and he can be the funnest person to be around sometimes, he has his own psychological/mental/emotional/maturity issues of his own. Perhaps its best I let everything crush my dreams before they become nightmares.

I'm sure my mother would fuss for my talk of her, although I said she does what she does out of concern. She'd also fuss for talking about personal issues and getting money, although its obvious you have money if you are getting/trying to get a fursuit...Besides, not many people, if any, will read this, so it doesn't really matter...