in all the years since i have moved out i have hit rock bottom, been thrown on a pedestal and praised and humbled in the same breath. im not a proud person, nore a proud furry, i am who i am and the last week here in my new place has shown me that. i have a partner that i wanna grow old with. i have a mother that care more for me then i believe. she has been with me though everything in my life, from my ex to my new boy friend. and probably till i have to do the unthinkable with her..... but i dont wanna think about that. i already had to go though those emotions once with my dad. i dont wanna think about lossing my mother. my brother is how he is, he dug a deep hole and has stabbed me in the back, im not proud of what i have down between me and him but things will eventually change for the better. i just have to believe.

last year i was in counseling untill the good lord called her back to where she belonged. that was a hard thing to go though, saying goodbye to a friend and guide, but she taut me enough and left me with a community of friends to help me grow more, there was still much work to do and still in a ton still. the biggest problem is im to humble when i need to be hurd. i am to strong and forceful when i need ot step back and just let it go, go with the flow. i can hide in plain site, walk though a crowd of people, talk with them and leave without anyone knowing who i really am. is that a curse or a blessing? im not sure yet but it grinds my gears when it happens and i realize it is happening. how many people can say they can do that? hide in plain site?. i dont know of many but its a skill i have developed over my youth.

i think my biggest problem is my anger. i have huge anger issues. a short fuse and a ton of anger and pain behind it. im sorry to the person that pisses me off to the point where my defense is down and the anger wins, not the emotions. if the emotions cant control the anger, someones leaving hurt, and i doubt it will be me. that almost happened a few weeks ago at work. a worker that i though i could trust to be straight with me and just say it insulted my intelligence. and if i didnt have other issues on my mind at that time. bf in town, moving in a few weeks, i almost sure he would have left with something wrong. i dont wanna think about what i can do, but it scares me also that it could happen. my anger will get me in trouble one day and again, im sorry for those around me that have to see it. i have never blown up one someone yet. im to emotional of a person to do that. my boss though i was mad the one day at work, not really, i was frustrated with him. not mad.