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Haven't pointed in a while
13 years ago
I haven't posted on here in forever. Well lets see, I still work for the real estate software company and its...I don't know. Its money and there is room for advancement if I really cared for it. There is a part of me that doesn't want to get comfortable with this place because it creates a sense of finality of me being stuck here either at this job/Oklahoma/ or life in general. I don't care about the software, the people, that particular field at all. I want to be working where I can use my degree to the fullest or actually feel that I didn't waste $40k of loans for this piece of paper.
I've also moved in with a friend of mine who is all kinds of awesome. Its really cool kicking it with a good friend of mine and can geek out with even though there are days that he is uber geek :P but its cool none the less.
On another note, there have been a few things that have been bothering me lately. I need to find more single gay people to hang out with. Literally I know to many couples around me. Not that there is anything wrong with them but....when you literally know over 20 different couples or so, its kinda hard to relate to them every once of a while. This goes back to not being able to relate to certain groups of people. Its just slightly weird when all I see around me is people all in love and I've yet to know what that is like. Its a tad annoying but meh I guess. I've also started to get to the point of almost stopped caring of looking for a guy. Its becoming pointless anyways. Anybody I think is cute is taken, isn't interested in me, or has issues so I guess I should say fuck it lol.
Another thing that is bothering me is the lack of drive/motivation/care. I've caught myself just joking about my lazy nature but is that something one should be joking about. My gut tells me that I should stop being lazy and actually do something no matter how small it is but its takes a lot to just get that first step. I feel the quote " The journey of a thousand miles start with just one step" apply to me but man its hard to get to that first step. For a while now, I've been trying to see if I can figure out the root of why I don't have any of that care or drive or even motivation. Why am I so content on doing nothing. Is it due to how I was raised? I mean, my mom was a secretary for the state for over 27 years, she had other jobs before that but...is that her crowing achievement? My brother had his own company but it fell apart, he dropped out of college but came back and graduated 20 years later and yet I don't see anything that is worthy of acknowledgment. My dad....well fuck him... I barely knew him and the last time I've talked to him before I died was him damming me about being gay so..yeah...that is another subject. Have I just gotten use to doing nothing for so long that it became second nature to me? I don't know. I've looked back at my life and within my immediate family there isn't anybody who I look up to or see signs of wanting to do better. Its like I'm slowly fading into the rut of my environment. You know, I even got a college degree after I failed out, got my grades back up, and finished it and yet I don't really feel a sense of accomplishment when I look at it. Just feels like its part of the course. Fuck if I know.
"Suffer the pain of discipline or suffer the pain of regret"....these words have never rung so true...
I've also moved in with a friend of mine who is all kinds of awesome. Its really cool kicking it with a good friend of mine and can geek out with even though there are days that he is uber geek :P but its cool none the less.
On another note, there have been a few things that have been bothering me lately. I need to find more single gay people to hang out with. Literally I know to many couples around me. Not that there is anything wrong with them but....when you literally know over 20 different couples or so, its kinda hard to relate to them every once of a while. This goes back to not being able to relate to certain groups of people. Its just slightly weird when all I see around me is people all in love and I've yet to know what that is like. Its a tad annoying but meh I guess. I've also started to get to the point of almost stopped caring of looking for a guy. Its becoming pointless anyways. Anybody I think is cute is taken, isn't interested in me, or has issues so I guess I should say fuck it lol.
Another thing that is bothering me is the lack of drive/motivation/care. I've caught myself just joking about my lazy nature but is that something one should be joking about. My gut tells me that I should stop being lazy and actually do something no matter how small it is but its takes a lot to just get that first step. I feel the quote " The journey of a thousand miles start with just one step" apply to me but man its hard to get to that first step. For a while now, I've been trying to see if I can figure out the root of why I don't have any of that care or drive or even motivation. Why am I so content on doing nothing. Is it due to how I was raised? I mean, my mom was a secretary for the state for over 27 years, she had other jobs before that but...is that her crowing achievement? My brother had his own company but it fell apart, he dropped out of college but came back and graduated 20 years later and yet I don't see anything that is worthy of acknowledgment. My dad....well fuck him... I barely knew him and the last time I've talked to him before I died was him damming me about being gay so..yeah...that is another subject. Have I just gotten use to doing nothing for so long that it became second nature to me? I don't know. I've looked back at my life and within my immediate family there isn't anybody who I look up to or see signs of wanting to do better. Its like I'm slowly fading into the rut of my environment. You know, I even got a college degree after I failed out, got my grades back up, and finished it and yet I don't really feel a sense of accomplishment when I look at it. Just feels like its part of the course. Fuck if I know.
"Suffer the pain of discipline or suffer the pain of regret"....these words have never rung so true...
If being unmotivated bothers you, then getting up and doing something would be your best bet to fix that problem. But you are the one that has to take that first step. You can talk about it all you want but it takes a lot more effort to lift that foot. Think to yourself what you think you need to get you motivated and try to get yourself in that direction. If you can't think of anything, then sit down and jot down some thoughts on how and where you'd like to be in life that you KNOW you can accomplish in the near future such as things with work and where you live. Focus on what you can control instead of the things that are not in reach yet and you might find yourself a little happier.
I wish I had something else to say to help you.
Keep your chin up!