*reads and nods, hugs*

You were married?

Dude you and i have almost the exact same mind frame on relationships and what's important.

Most of my relationships have been out of "convenience" if you will, paired with my difficulty in saying no to people who ask me out - lol... But i've realised what i need from someone is a friend first, and a lover second, so i've stopped just agreeing to people. I give them a longer test period now - it's anywhere from 5 months to a year of friendship before i even allow them to get really close to me...

I don't like being toyed with either. It can be horrible on the receiving end. The funny part is if they just want sex, or to be flirty, i'm okay with that for the most part, i just hate being deceived into thinking that they want something more.

All that drama spew later - lol... I've decided being single and close to a few potentials is okay with me at this point in my life.

I like that Lorena
It takes time to build up intimacy, and people, especially younger or more inexperienced people, don't see how thats important. They get over emotional and let that control their thoughts and actions, as opposed to listening for a moment to the signs that maybe this isnt right. I agree with the just wanting sex thing completely. There are friends that I have that honestly thats all we talk about. We might have casual conversation otherwise, but everything else is just about intimate experiences, and that is okay with me. But not anyone can be in that group of friends. But there are people who, at times, send the wrong signals... Just wanting to be friends, but holding hands in public, was one of those signals that happened to me. Thank goodness the guy and I are still good friends now (hes a really awesome guy), but man that hurt for a while, because I didnt understand why he might have done that if he didn't want more.
And I am feeling the same way as you on the last statement. Friendships I have are pretty damn meaningful. And I'm glad I have some people I can trust with all of that.

Well to help you find closure with your friend. I'm not sure with the history you two have, but as a sadist, i can understand the enjoyment of playing with people emotionally - but this is all speculative, i would assume though that the reason you were played with was simply because they knew that they could get away with it or were immature and unable to see past their own wants.

I've been used, abused, played with, discarded, and had various bad experience with ex's. some of my ex's and i still talk but for the most part i find once i've been with them, it's hard to get rid of the extra emotions and it's easier to cut ties to them.

But yeah - friendship first, lovers second has always been my mentality.

Can you give me advice on how to make and keep friends? It seems that sometimes I can catch someones interest with my music or my odd way of interpreting life but in the long run I seem to wear folks down before we can even make it to the 'good friends' phase, let alone the relationship one. The few people in my life who have brought up the relationship card were in the same categories as you described; either just looking for sex, or balancing other people at the same time, or had no idea what kind of sacrifices go into a proper loving relationship, or all three at once. It seems like you are a responsible and caring person and while it's normally better for someone like me to seek a 'counselor,' I've been to many of those and they don't really care about my well-being since they're complete strangers. Perhaps you and I are strangers to each other as well but we have some common threads (like being furry and being gay... I think you are at least o.o) which might endear me to you just slightly more than a counselor.

I think relationships need a healthy balance of give and take. Sometimes you need to listen, and sometimes you need to be listened to. Oddities are common in the fandom, and I think that thats expected. But you should know that often times people in the fandom are too up front, or try too hard to impress. Being open and honest, knowing when to divulge information, having common courtesies, all of these things are key to friendships. Some people, like myself, dont like sexual conversation with people who aren't in my close knit group of friends. So knowing who to talk to about what is very important.

A majority of the time, I perceive myself as having more problems than anyone I might care to talk to, hence the idea that I need to give much more than I take, hoping that they might just give a tiny little bit back if they see something fruitful in me, but the latter never happens. I've got Aspergers which basically handicaps my ability to see how much credit I can keep for myself versus the amount I give other people...

I completely agree with everything you stated, it makes sense and has given me some much needed insight about some things.

You have a very down to earth outlooks on things. (:
I like that a lot.

either that or I'm BATSHIT INSANE


B;lkjaqew;lu;aldja;lfjbAWOOOWOAOGOOAGHGHOOOOOOOoo

=D

I agree with everything you said, also, it's nice to know that you being out right honest isn't a sign of dislike towards someone. I'm not a good people reader so sometimes I was unsure about you, now I seem to understand. :)

I just take a while to get comfortable with people. Especially those a good deal younger than me.

understandable. :) For me its nice having friends that are older and full of wisdom.

This just makes me realize how much I have to learn.

Having never really dated or been in a serious relationship it's hard for me to know what is expected. It's good to read, and I wonder if I haven't made some of those mistakes unintentionally and ended up hurting people.

I agree completely on the whole "creating a list" thing. I should really write mine down sometime. Off the top of my head, I know the most important things are:

Someone that can be a friend, and shares a lot of common interests with me.
Someone that is trustworthy.
Someone that has a high sex drive to keep up with my own.
And,
Is a furry or is tolerant and interested in my own obsession with the fandom. Furry is very important to me and I could never be with someone that didn't want to take part in that part of my life.

That's not everything I'm sure. But it's a start.

Though I do disagree on one thing:

Being single and being tired of being single is not the same as being desperate or being too needy. I'm in this boat myself. I'm 26 and have never dated. I've had some casual sex, and I'm happy for that at least, but I really really want to take the first steps with someone special and try out a relationship. Sometimes I probably come off as desperate, and I'm sure I've made poor choices as well.

But at the same time, I don't believe that if I sit around and do nothing that happiness will just eventually find me. Ever since high school and up until last year I made no real effort to seek out a mate, or to try and create meaningful relationships. And you know what that got me? Deep, severe depression and loneliness once I realized I was 25 years old, a virgin, and only had two or three friends.

I had a bit of a transformation last year though, and now my new outlook is far more positive. I now strive toward what I want. And what I want is a mate. I'm not going to find that by sitting around and waiting, so I'm going to keep pushing toward it and keep making an effort, because the moment I give up, that's when I know I'll be alone.

To me its about seeking FRIENDSHIP first, and then if a mate happens, that is awesome. Actively seeking out friendship and a mate are two completely different things. Can I say I haven't actively sought out a mate? No. I am guilty of that too. I never said the two were the same, I just said don't base your happiness off of having a mate.
I think it is okay to want a mate. What I dont think is healthy is seeing any person and only looking at the possibility for a mate. Id rather look at everyone as a friend first, and then more if we click better.
Be friends. Have a date. See where it goes. Don't force it. Be honest with each other and with yourself. Realize your goals as a person. If your goals rely on other people to happen, you might want to analyze why you need to rely on someone to be happy.

True enough. I think it gets muddled in my head sometimes because I consider sex, dating, and friendship to all be different things.

I have friends who are just normal friends, some very close.
I have friends that I'm willing to have sex with, but we aren't romantically involved.

But what I haven't had is a friend that turns into a deeper emotional tie. I've had a few crushes... including one really bad one in high school with a girl I am still friends with to this day (but turns out she's a lesbian). I never told her how I felt though.

And I've had a few more since... all with people I've been very close friends with already, or felt a special connection to from the get go.

As for seeing people and only seeing potential mates -- I personally see things like this: If someone is single and looking as I am, I'm not going to discount them until I know we're not a good match. And even then, they can still fall into one of the other two categories I listed above (of which, I should note, there are even more subcategories!).

Perhaps that's why most people try to separate sex and friendship so much. I kinda understand it. But at the same time, I'd much rather treat sex as something separate from a serious relationship as well.

It's all so complicated!

I agree with you there. I don't say I love a person until. I really do mean it. I feel that those words are sacred and shouldn't just be thrown about loosely, truthfully I have only told three people in my life that I loved them not including the instant ones you give to grandma.

And truthfully I haven't dated much but its not because I didn't want to, believe me if I had my choice I would have been dating much more...and those who wanted to date me, well...they weren't great catches. But to me, I wasn't looking for something short, I was looking for long term. And at the end of the day I thought that I had found it but alas the world doesn't stay the same and after 6 and half years he left. You know the story so don't have to get into that, but when I went looking again me and Ben took a month of talking before we even met. It was so much fun in the beginning because we would talk all the time I mean literally every day anywhere between 3-8 hrs a day. Now we know each other too much and just sit there like two old people who have nothing to talk about except for the weather lol. And for the past 3 years we have been happy like that. It may not be glamorous or exciting but the point of sharing your life with someone is sharing everything even if its just boring every day stuff. It's knowing that someone will always be there to listen to you complain or complain about you which just shows that they are thinking about you good or bad..hopefully more good than bad. And that can be a friendship too. You can have that person involved in your life even if it doesn't include intimacy. It gives you a sense of not being along and as human beings we don't want to be alone. So as long as we have those special people to share our lives with, good or bad, it makes us more complete. :)

And Yonoa. I love you and know that you are my best friend and one of the three people I ever said that to. I am a hard person to love and to love back but when I do I genuinely mean it :p

I agree with the "fargo desperate". I think too many people are compelled to be in a relationship for no apparent reason. I think they are missing the point. I don't know if I agree with the word choice tho' :P

I a lot of the time. I like to think that it can really brighten someone's day. And I wouldn't use it if I didn't mean it in one sense or the other. I don't think that was a personal attack, but I am aware of the things I do... most of the time. So that deserved a reply

Friends are the best... like you