This just in. In response to the "Liberal extremists" celebrating Earth Day, the Republican-controlled Congress is giving a full pardon to all parties involved in the Deepwater Horizon oil spill. According to our insider in the Senate, "America needs oil, and there is always the possibility that accidents can happen. If we hold people and oil companies accountable for these accidents, then it will hurt American jobs and possibly make them raise gas prices or discourage them from doing risky projects like this, or even the Keystone Pipeline." Everyone we've interviewed on this that do celebrate Earth Day have had a unanimous response to this: they are all appalled at this blatant attack on the environment and lack of any responsibility. A few have even threatened the lives of several of the congressmen. Fortunately, the Secret Service operatives we met outside a local brothel have assured us that their lives are in good hands.

In entertainment news, NBC has announced that this summer they will begin filming a new reality show that will be a spinoff of their hit Fear Factor. The new show, titled Fear Factor: Weight Loss Edition, will follow overweight people as they try a number of different diet and weight loss plans to "scare" them down to a normal, healthy weight.

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