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In the spirit of full disclosure
13 years ago
I'm not sure if anyone cares enough to read about my piddling problems, or why I've chosen to be anti-social, but especially in the last few days I've been thinking that I need to explain myself better. I owe it to the few people who still look at my page, the friends I might have pushed away, and myself for being so scatterbrained. I've been talking about a hiatus for a while now, even before I found out my dog was sick, and I've stated a lot of reasons, but I've held some back as well. I don't know if this is the right place to write this down, but I feel like I need to get it out, and anyone who listens, I'm grateful to.
This isn't a call for a hugbox. I've been terrible and I really don't want anyone to pat me on the back for it. I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about a lot of things going on in my life, my art is just one that takes a semi-high priority, and this site has been a part of that for nearly 5 years now. I've always wanted to draw and create, but I lost my sense of direction and sometimes it feels like it's not worth it in the end. That isn't to say that I'll ever stop drawing. I've conditioned myself to draw when I'm stressed out, and whether or not I think it's good enough, it always makes me feel better to get my ideas onto a canvas.
I'm kind of a snot. I don't mean to be, but when I feel out-of-place, I tend to shell up. I tried to be active on this site, and it really never mattered. I'm not the greatest artist in the world, gourds knows I'll be the first to admit that my work is mediocre at best and pretty dime a dozen at that. I don't fit in here socially, my art doesn't have much of an audience, and I can rant about how much my life sucks and I hate it right now all I want and blame why I've been trying to distance myself from this site on that all I want, but honestly, I just don't feel like I belong here. I know there are a few people that like what I do, and I thank them profusely for the encouragement they gave me. What gets to me is when people I care about stare at it and lie to my face (that, or through an instant messenger, or on this site) saying it's awesome when I can see that they don't think that at all. They're shielding me from hurting my feelings, I'm sure, but why wouldn't that in itself hurt my feelings as well? I prefer honesty. Especially in an area that I've been trying my whole life to improve. Please, be honest about my work. If you really like it, I love to hear it. If you don't like it, don't tell me that you do. Tell me instead what needs to be better about it. It's better than lying to me or even not saying anything at all.
As for the social aspect, I'm not a furry. I don't socialize with a lot of furries, and I've gotten flak for being here despite that. Every time I post human art, which I prefer, I get harrassed. I get lewd messages and invitations to RP with my characters despite my numerous requests against it. I get lewd messages and invitations to sex chat, I assume because I'm female, and it doesn't feel any different than when I was sexually assaulted by a person standing live in front of me. I also get harrassed merely for having girl parts, because apparently that's just wrong. In short, this site stresses me out, and there were probably times I could have handled it better. I lash out. I know I do that, and I try to stop myself. I don't mean to take it out on the whole site when I know it's a margin of the group that's doing it. I've probably offended some people in my ranting and raving, and I apologize for that.
Aside from that, there are the general disagreements I have with certain aspects of this site, such as management. I still don't think that just because this site is free, people should get complacent over things like security and rights, and fairness above all. I've thought a good deal about packing up and leaving for good a few times over squabbles like that, but I've also got ties here, few though they may be. I don't know if I ever wanted to leave for good or not. I don't want to let go of my characters; even my anthropomorphic characters are like children to me, but I don't think they belong anywhere else either. They were "born" here, and if I draw them again in the future, they'll stay here. I haven't drawn anything anthropomorphic in months. Right now, I'm still pretty much on hiatus. I need a break from all the stress I get here. Mostly because the stress in my real life is at a peak right now, but also because I think I've needed a chill period from here and it's been a long time coming, but I'm not abandoning ship.
For now, I think what I'm going to do is work on improving my drawing. I'm going to post mostly to Nabyn, and open everything current up to critique. The encouragement I've gotten here has been wonderful, but it's usually nothing of substance that really helps me improve or solidify my style. I guess what I'm saying basically is that I want my art to be torn apart by other artists. I WANT to know what I'm doing wrong when I don't already see it myself. I want to know that I'm on the right track again. When I at least know that I'm getting better at what I do again, I'll start posting here and on Tumblr.
I'm sorry for being distant, prickly, and emo for the last few months. In the last week or so I've realized that if I don't snap out of it I'm probably going to end up in a shell and never come out again. Life has been hard for a few years, and somewhere along the way I forgot how to keep a positive attitude. I'm really trying to get that back.
Thanks to anyone who read that bilge.
This isn't a call for a hugbox. I've been terrible and I really don't want anyone to pat me on the back for it. I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about a lot of things going on in my life, my art is just one that takes a semi-high priority, and this site has been a part of that for nearly 5 years now. I've always wanted to draw and create, but I lost my sense of direction and sometimes it feels like it's not worth it in the end. That isn't to say that I'll ever stop drawing. I've conditioned myself to draw when I'm stressed out, and whether or not I think it's good enough, it always makes me feel better to get my ideas onto a canvas.
I'm kind of a snot. I don't mean to be, but when I feel out-of-place, I tend to shell up. I tried to be active on this site, and it really never mattered. I'm not the greatest artist in the world, gourds knows I'll be the first to admit that my work is mediocre at best and pretty dime a dozen at that. I don't fit in here socially, my art doesn't have much of an audience, and I can rant about how much my life sucks and I hate it right now all I want and blame why I've been trying to distance myself from this site on that all I want, but honestly, I just don't feel like I belong here. I know there are a few people that like what I do, and I thank them profusely for the encouragement they gave me. What gets to me is when people I care about stare at it and lie to my face (that, or through an instant messenger, or on this site) saying it's awesome when I can see that they don't think that at all. They're shielding me from hurting my feelings, I'm sure, but why wouldn't that in itself hurt my feelings as well? I prefer honesty. Especially in an area that I've been trying my whole life to improve. Please, be honest about my work. If you really like it, I love to hear it. If you don't like it, don't tell me that you do. Tell me instead what needs to be better about it. It's better than lying to me or even not saying anything at all.
As for the social aspect, I'm not a furry. I don't socialize with a lot of furries, and I've gotten flak for being here despite that. Every time I post human art, which I prefer, I get harrassed. I get lewd messages and invitations to RP with my characters despite my numerous requests against it. I get lewd messages and invitations to sex chat, I assume because I'm female, and it doesn't feel any different than when I was sexually assaulted by a person standing live in front of me. I also get harrassed merely for having girl parts, because apparently that's just wrong. In short, this site stresses me out, and there were probably times I could have handled it better. I lash out. I know I do that, and I try to stop myself. I don't mean to take it out on the whole site when I know it's a margin of the group that's doing it. I've probably offended some people in my ranting and raving, and I apologize for that.
Aside from that, there are the general disagreements I have with certain aspects of this site, such as management. I still don't think that just because this site is free, people should get complacent over things like security and rights, and fairness above all. I've thought a good deal about packing up and leaving for good a few times over squabbles like that, but I've also got ties here, few though they may be. I don't know if I ever wanted to leave for good or not. I don't want to let go of my characters; even my anthropomorphic characters are like children to me, but I don't think they belong anywhere else either. They were "born" here, and if I draw them again in the future, they'll stay here. I haven't drawn anything anthropomorphic in months. Right now, I'm still pretty much on hiatus. I need a break from all the stress I get here. Mostly because the stress in my real life is at a peak right now, but also because I think I've needed a chill period from here and it's been a long time coming, but I'm not abandoning ship.
For now, I think what I'm going to do is work on improving my drawing. I'm going to post mostly to Nabyn, and open everything current up to critique. The encouragement I've gotten here has been wonderful, but it's usually nothing of substance that really helps me improve or solidify my style. I guess what I'm saying basically is that I want my art to be torn apart by other artists. I WANT to know what I'm doing wrong when I don't already see it myself. I want to know that I'm on the right track again. When I at least know that I'm getting better at what I do again, I'll start posting here and on Tumblr.
I'm sorry for being distant, prickly, and emo for the last few months. In the last week or so I've realized that if I don't snap out of it I'm probably going to end up in a shell and never come out again. Life has been hard for a few years, and somewhere along the way I forgot how to keep a positive attitude. I'm really trying to get that back.
Thanks to anyone who read that bilge.
Scott
I suppose my lines could always be smoother, but what I've always had the most trouble with is coloring. I'm not that good with shading, making good texture, and just anything beyond flat colors basically. I've read hundreds of tutorials with different styles, but I never get teh hang of it.
The problem with critique and criticism within the Furry fandom, is that as a subculture, Furry fandom is an "escape" from the mainstream culture, and a refuge of judgementalism. The group sees criticism, and by extension, critique as a personal attack, as an undue burden on their self expression. I used to be a moderator on Yerf, and remember well the hostility to Yerf's Content and quality restrictions. The timidity of giving out h0nest opinions, and the solidarity with the group in furry fandom are the result of this militant egalitarianism within the fandom where all expressions (and by extension, fetishes) are valid and none are criticized or judged. You can only get criticism with trusted groupings, and mature adults that have only a fringe involvement with the fandom, and who do not need the insulation of the fandom from the mainstream. I'm willing to offer critique in detail, but if I do its tough,and therefore not asked for much. I don't post to other archives because my output, other than anthropomorphic art, are 3D models. I can draw people, I just have no cause to, and I suck at portraiture. (I Hate D.A. due to his organization, and it's lax attitude about squelching art thieves). So I['m here because My 2D art is "furry", and I have friends here, and I like the feedback even if it's just the occasional ass pat.
Scott
I have noticed the squeamishness of the fandom in general, and I have noticed that if you want honesty rather than ass kissery, you typically have to look to either extremely mature furries, who are usually professional or serious freelance artists, or people like me who are barely a part of the fandom. I had always wondered why that was. I figured that it was because the majority of furries, especially on this site, aren't artists and have never learned how to properly critique art.
I haven't posted anything here in a few months for the reasons stated, but if you would like to critique some of the most recent submissions on my page, I'd love to hear what you have to say. I don't actually remember what a few of them are since it's been so long, I'm about to go look, but please go to town.
I get why people post here. Other than the blatant sycophantry and the odd dude with a chip on his shoulder, or the extremely sexualized fur who wants rp sex with everyone, this is a good community, and that's why I've stayed despite the attacks I've gotten. I just need a more artist-centric community, which was why I was so excited when I got an invite to Nabyn. So far, they're not letting ANYONE in but artists, and a good number of them actively critique anything that's marked for it. When I'm feeling better about my art, I'll probably post here again. I'm just so tired of getting mundane, dime a dozen comments. I crave to be torn a new one by someone with a good eye for art and honest critique. I took art classes in school and in college and did pretty well, and I've sat through critiques before. I can handle it.
Scott
I'm fully aware that I have anatomy issues, more often than not when drawing with the tablet because I forget to zoom out e_e
But YES! Please do give me your honest and unfiltered opinion. I'm excited already. :>
just keep kicking for the surface!
I'm trying. Thanks for the upbeat words.
And as to the fandom, I tend to say that you'll find in it what you're looking for, although I feel you on the whole harassment thing and consider it a miracle I haven't been harassed more. It really bugs me to learn people harass you for drawing humans considering there is an entire category for them and there are a few artists here who draw nothing else.
In general websites each have their own specific use, and it can be troublesome to find the best way to use for oneself.
FA is really only for keeping up with a select few friends or inspirations. It is a good gateway for commissions, but to actually bring them in it requires intense networking, running ads and posting in the forums.
I wasn't really looking to find anything when I joined, but I have to say, this is in large part, a fandom of extremes. Most of the people I've met here are either not furry but enjoy the art like me, they are furry and extremely nice and accomodating to everyone, or they are furry and want to pick a fight with everyone and everything that disagrees with them. Like non-furries. I've noticed that there are other artists here who prefer human art, and I've wondered how many of them have the same issues here that I do. I never wanted to ask. I assume that if they do, they ignore it, though I have seen the occasional comment on other people's pages saying things like "this is a furry community, get that hyooman garbage out of here." I think a human-exclusive artist would probably be more accepted simply because dissenters think it's not worth it to try to get them to post anything else? I don't really know. All I know is that if I draw anthro art, it's because I'm specifically in the mood to draw anthro art, and that is usually pretty rare. Humans are definitely my preference.
I get that FA is more of a community site than an art site nowadays. I would even say that as many as half of the accounts here belong to non-artists who either suit and take lots of pictures, or they fill their galleries with commissions. There's nothing inherently wrong with that (except I guess now it's against the rules to have more than 2-3 pictures of the same suit in your gallery, especially if you didn't create it yourself), but as someone trying to improve as an artist, it is a little frustrating. Getting exposure here works, if you update your page regularly, and especially with anthropomorphic art. You just don't find the comments you really want. Lots of people will compliment your work, but it's like people are afraid to offend relatively unknown artsits, even if they notice something they know is off. As for commissions on FA, I've kind of given up on them. As much as I would have liked to be more successful at it, more often than not I tend to end up chasing people down to pay me after I've finished. :|
Once I established a half-now, half-after policy, interest dwindled. Oh well.