of being sick and tired. this heat is fucking killing me. i cannot do much of anything. the yard is like a jungle. plants need in the ground. art needs done. cleaning and sorting and all manner of shit needs done. i have not even unpacked from Pennsic Practice. the only time i was able to move and do anything was during that hour of rain. otherwise i feel like i am dizzy and going to vomit and disoriented and just plain sick and very very sore but in an entirely different way than when my arthritis is killing me. my legs are still killing me from doing barely anything. the pile of rocks to do the little hillside by the garage still sit there but now covered by weeds. so much needs done. and no one here thinks it at all important. that we should just let things be weeds and be a fucking mess. the upstairs has been so hot i have tried to eat up there and only get so sick i can barely move. meanwhile AC approaches and after that quickly follows Pennsic and other shit. which is why the house gets destroyed by fall and then it takes me a MONTH to recover from all this shit. and by then the cold has set in and i cannot move for other reasons.

i swear i feel like i am just not allowed to have anything in my life worth having. i just want this tiny ass fucking yard to be somewhere i can spend some time since i cannot get most places and only one park is currently in walking distance and with my legs getting worse all the time even that will no longer be an option.

it is because no one else can really fucking understand what the fuck it is like to watch yourself become less and less. they do not live in the constant pain. the heat and the cold do nothing to them. to others it is funny. to others it is something that is so alien they have no frame of reference yet insist they can understand. which if they really did understand it. they would never do the things they do unless they are utter fucks. which i admit sometimes i think they may be.

before you self diagnose with depression first make sure you are not surrounded with assholes.

well i know i have real depression and PTSD. and i know sometimes it is being surrounded by assholes.


i really fucking need that herb from this post http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3492669/ but i cannot now nor do i think i will possibly be able to afford that shit even this upcoming month. Hell at this point i may have to get someone else to landgrab for Pennsic simply cause this house needs a lot of shit i have had to put off for a while and July is the only time til maybe november that does not have something already lined up to drain my money.