He has decided he wants to die, to be with grandma again. It hurts to watch him suffer like this. I have cought him...he hides his pills in his cheek and drinks, pretending to swallow. Then he hides them beneath the arm of his chair, the cushion thing. Or he goes to the bathroom and spits them out and tries to flush them. I am heartbroken. I am selfish, I'm just not ready to let go.

I have to beg him to eat just a small bit of food. My aunt has made a dctor's appointment for him, he is complaining of pains around his massive hernia and pains from eating. I know, he's oldand has so many things wrong with him...but I love him and don't want to lose him. I'm a little scared. Everyone I love most is leaving in some way or another.

One of my brothers lives several states away, one has turned back to a life of illegal drugs and binge drinking...the other I couldn't give a rat's tail for...my older sister died, my grandma died, my mother is reverting to her childhood behaviours...I fear she'd got dementia like grandpa. My other grandma died....

Anyone I've ever loved in a romantic sense had either pretended to love me that way or just had intentions of using me....this leaves me to feel I'll never be loved.

So all I have left are friends that I either can't see more than once a month if I am lucky or once a year. One friend I hope to visit if I can ever afford it.

My baby ( of the canine sort ) is dying. The vet gives him about one more year before his breathing problem gets bad enough to where I'd have to put him down or let him die naturally.

I'm both excited for and dreading AC now. I am terrified I'll get a call or a text that grandpa has died while I am away, enjoying myself. I lost a kid in my family while I was having fun at FCN....

Ugh.....I want to cry, but my cousin's son is still awake and I'd set him off. -flops-