Sorry for being a bitch right now, but I have to take this off my mind.
I feel… alone, and guilty. Like I don't deserve anything I have. It is like a rewind in my life, two years ago. There is… nothing. Absolutely nothing where I am to help me feel better, it's like being imprisoned in a cage, falling, falling, falling very deeply in my memories. There is ropes everywhere which could help me stop the fall, but I can't reach them. They are too far. You are too far…

I can't draw right now. I just… can't do it. I hold the pen and it fall on the white sheet. I don't see anymore, I'm just sobbing then crying, and I don't deny that at this very time, all I want is destruction, all I want is destroying something because I want to not destroy myself for you. So I end up painting with coffee and ink, I dunno why but I can focus on colors whereas I can't on paper, thus I can put down my feelings. Writing too, it can focus my mind enough so I can eventually think a little by myself, even it this is bad thoughts, they are still better than the ones I have when waiting for the time to end the day so I can sleep, and wait the other day. This is the reason why my two last works are so dark, it's even darker in my mind right now, but it's enough to make me pretend I can keep up. I just want to go on, however it's… tough… and… painful… but I'll do it so I won't harm anyone, so I won't harm you.

Well, sorry again, I publish this journal, but I really hope no one will take it in consideration, it's not worth worrying. Really. Sorry…