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Battleship
13 years ago
General
So I was depressed and stressed about...well, lots of things...but, since I was also watching my son, I figgered ANYTHING was better than sitting around the apartment moping.
So we went and saw "Battleship."
*headdesk*
To be fair, it WAS a little better than expected. It was essentially a tribute to the Navy in the same way ID4 was one for the Air Force...I mean, (SPOILERS!) they even fought the aliens with the fucking USS Missouri during the climax, half-manned by retired vets who prepped the ship to the montage-fodder tune of AC/DC's "Thunderstruck."
Yes, I nodded with approval there...so sue me. I love AC/DC, even if they're fast becoming this decade's answer to Smashmouth as far as movies go.
However, that was part of the movie's problem: there was NOTHING NEW HERE. NOTHING. I mentioned ID4? It ripped whole CHUNKS from that film, from the briefly imprisoned alien projecting images of their planet-raping ways into the hero's mind to a character I referred to as "Not-Goldblum" the whole time; worse, it did it SMALLER than ID4. That movie, the entire world was getting thrashed by alien fleets. This one? Hawaii. By five ships and a force field. I won't even bother with all the Bayformers riffs, those have been amply covered elsewhere...I did lean over to my son at one point an commented that I was glad to see Scorponok still had work, tho'.
And just when you actually started to get into the brainless spectacle, they'd throw something from the fucking boardgame in to yank you right the fuck out of it. The missiles the aliens launched at the ships were THE PEGS FROM THE GAME; they even would embed themselves in the decks of the ships before exploding, just like you stick the pegs in the game pieces. The single destroyer took out three alien ships by using tsunami bouys TO PLAY THE FUCKING GAME...yeah, they though we wouldn't notice by using terms like "Echo Niner" instead of "E-9."
And the crowning moment of fail, the quintessential proof that they just didn't give a fuck? You know how many movies nowadays have the little "victory lap" CG ending credit sequence before the actual credits start, usually to some kickass oldies rock song or instrumental score? Guess which song they chose. Come on, guess.
Give up?
"Fortunate Son" by Creedence Clearwater Revival.
They used an ANTI-WAR PROTEST SONG for the credits sequence of their "AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!" military fantasy film.
GAH...you have NO IDEA how happy I am this movie tanked worse than "John Carter" (according to the last estimates I read about a week back). Don't get me wrong, there are times when this kind of movie can be fun, and I DID find myself digging it at points (I thought it was a nice touch that the boardgame reference plan was concocted by a Japanese captain in defence of Hawaii and that they DIDN'T drive that point into the ground), but it was otherwise just so...LAZY. Like Thor said in the Avengers movie, "You people are so petty...and SMALL."
No, just this movie.
So we went and saw "Battleship."
*headdesk*
To be fair, it WAS a little better than expected. It was essentially a tribute to the Navy in the same way ID4 was one for the Air Force...I mean, (SPOILERS!) they even fought the aliens with the fucking USS Missouri during the climax, half-manned by retired vets who prepped the ship to the montage-fodder tune of AC/DC's "Thunderstruck."
Yes, I nodded with approval there...so sue me. I love AC/DC, even if they're fast becoming this decade's answer to Smashmouth as far as movies go.
However, that was part of the movie's problem: there was NOTHING NEW HERE. NOTHING. I mentioned ID4? It ripped whole CHUNKS from that film, from the briefly imprisoned alien projecting images of their planet-raping ways into the hero's mind to a character I referred to as "Not-Goldblum" the whole time; worse, it did it SMALLER than ID4. That movie, the entire world was getting thrashed by alien fleets. This one? Hawaii. By five ships and a force field. I won't even bother with all the Bayformers riffs, those have been amply covered elsewhere...I did lean over to my son at one point an commented that I was glad to see Scorponok still had work, tho'.
And just when you actually started to get into the brainless spectacle, they'd throw something from the fucking boardgame in to yank you right the fuck out of it. The missiles the aliens launched at the ships were THE PEGS FROM THE GAME; they even would embed themselves in the decks of the ships before exploding, just like you stick the pegs in the game pieces. The single destroyer took out three alien ships by using tsunami bouys TO PLAY THE FUCKING GAME...yeah, they though we wouldn't notice by using terms like "Echo Niner" instead of "E-9."
And the crowning moment of fail, the quintessential proof that they just didn't give a fuck? You know how many movies nowadays have the little "victory lap" CG ending credit sequence before the actual credits start, usually to some kickass oldies rock song or instrumental score? Guess which song they chose. Come on, guess.
Give up?
"Fortunate Son" by Creedence Clearwater Revival.
They used an ANTI-WAR PROTEST SONG for the credits sequence of their "AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!" military fantasy film.
GAH...you have NO IDEA how happy I am this movie tanked worse than "John Carter" (according to the last estimates I read about a week back). Don't get me wrong, there are times when this kind of movie can be fun, and I DID find myself digging it at points (I thought it was a nice touch that the boardgame reference plan was concocted by a Japanese captain in defence of Hawaii and that they DIDN'T drive that point into the ground), but it was otherwise just so...LAZY. Like Thor said in the Avengers movie, "You people are so petty...and SMALL."
No, just this movie.
Or you could always go the way of Joel, Mike, Tom Servo and Crow and riff the HELL out of a mindless popcorn-flick such as this one.
Also... I was sad that John Carter tanked. I LOVED the Edgar Rice Borroughs stories.
I loved it... and I don't see HOW it tanked, other than too many "It's The Same, Now It Sucks" nimrods.
Ya know... despite John Carter being the CODIFIER for the whole "Planetary Romance" concept. Without John Carter, we wouldn't HAVE Avatar... or Star Wars, or Flash Gordon.