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Something happened to me...
17 years ago
It all started the other night while we were sitting on the couch smoking a bowl. We were high to the point that the L-Word playing on our TV didn't seem to matter much anymore.
Even though it had been discussed numerous times without positive results over the last six months we began talking about everything that happened with us again. We talked about our relationship over the years, the good and the bad, the sex, things that were said that we meant and other things that were said that shouldn't have been, and people who may have been outside influences leading up to that fucking party that ended it all. Everything.
I told her I loved her still and that I always would. I told her that I didn't need her but that I wanted her more than anything else in the world. I told her I still wanted to try. I just had to say it again even though I knew it was a fruitless attempt at having happiness again, keeping in mind that I also know what happens to people that can't let go of what they lost. It isn't pretty..
She smiled back at me slightly, her eyes were starting to tear up, mine had already spilled over my cheeks. I could tell that she didn't know how to form the words for her response. It would most likely be a 'no' worded in a polite manner once again and then I would have to take it and try to pretend to be strong about it. I wanted to take her hand and rub it reassuringly but I knew that was not my right anymore. I would never be able to sleep with her ever again, never be able to snuggle up next to her warm, soft body and hold her, never be able to kiss her.. never. We were just two people sitting on the couch smoking weed and NOT in a relationship. I wasn't even sure if she even considered me a close friend anymore. It sucks living in a shadow of what was but not knowing anything about the future.
But this time something different happened. She reached over and took my hand into hers and squeezed it. This completely caught me off guard.
"I was driving to work yesterday and I heard a song that made me think of you." she said.
"It must have been a silly song then." I chuckled still a little nervous about the hand-holding. What is happening?
"No, it was kind of a sad song actually."
"Really?"
"Yeah, but it made me think about things that I have been trying to block out."
I felt myself starting to shake a little. The anticipation was killing me,
"What did it make you think?" I asked quietly.
She paused for a moment and smoked the bowl that we had forgotten a few minutes prior to the conversation. As she exhaled she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand,
"I'm scared to try again, Liz. Part of me wants to forgive and forget and move on, but the other part of me doesn't know if it can trust you anymore." the tears were back again, "You broke my heart."
I hung my head in shame. That is what I always do when I think about October 27th of last year. It was a horrible mistake going to that party and then a snowball effect happened which led to more poor choices that I try not to think about often due to the horrible, overwhelming regret it makes me feel.
"TEQUILA IS POISON TO IDIOTS WHO DON'T THINK ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES FOR THEIR ACTIONS! DRINK DRINK DRINK! EVEN IF THAT WASN'T YOU IN CONTROL THAT NIGHT, THAT'S STILL THE PERSON PEOPLE WILL REMEMBER YOU AS!" A little voice inside of me chirped. I hate that voice so much.
"I have tried to do the right thing since that night, but it will never erase what happened.."
Before I could say anything else Natalie laid her head on my shoulder. I could feel her breath on my neck.
"Liz.."
And then my alarm went off at 8:00 like it does every morning. Natalie was still asleep in her room next to mine. I took a shower, got dressed, fed the dogs before I left, and went to work.
This is reality but I still dream sometimes.
Zabeth
Even though it had been discussed numerous times without positive results over the last six months we began talking about everything that happened with us again. We talked about our relationship over the years, the good and the bad, the sex, things that were said that we meant and other things that were said that shouldn't have been, and people who may have been outside influences leading up to that fucking party that ended it all. Everything.
I told her I loved her still and that I always would. I told her that I didn't need her but that I wanted her more than anything else in the world. I told her I still wanted to try. I just had to say it again even though I knew it was a fruitless attempt at having happiness again, keeping in mind that I also know what happens to people that can't let go of what they lost. It isn't pretty..
She smiled back at me slightly, her eyes were starting to tear up, mine had already spilled over my cheeks. I could tell that she didn't know how to form the words for her response. It would most likely be a 'no' worded in a polite manner once again and then I would have to take it and try to pretend to be strong about it. I wanted to take her hand and rub it reassuringly but I knew that was not my right anymore. I would never be able to sleep with her ever again, never be able to snuggle up next to her warm, soft body and hold her, never be able to kiss her.. never. We were just two people sitting on the couch smoking weed and NOT in a relationship. I wasn't even sure if she even considered me a close friend anymore. It sucks living in a shadow of what was but not knowing anything about the future.
But this time something different happened. She reached over and took my hand into hers and squeezed it. This completely caught me off guard.
"I was driving to work yesterday and I heard a song that made me think of you." she said.
"It must have been a silly song then." I chuckled still a little nervous about the hand-holding. What is happening?
"No, it was kind of a sad song actually."
"Really?"
"Yeah, but it made me think about things that I have been trying to block out."
I felt myself starting to shake a little. The anticipation was killing me,
"What did it make you think?" I asked quietly.
She paused for a moment and smoked the bowl that we had forgotten a few minutes prior to the conversation. As she exhaled she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand,
"I'm scared to try again, Liz. Part of me wants to forgive and forget and move on, but the other part of me doesn't know if it can trust you anymore." the tears were back again, "You broke my heart."
I hung my head in shame. That is what I always do when I think about October 27th of last year. It was a horrible mistake going to that party and then a snowball effect happened which led to more poor choices that I try not to think about often due to the horrible, overwhelming regret it makes me feel.
"TEQUILA IS POISON TO IDIOTS WHO DON'T THINK ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES FOR THEIR ACTIONS! DRINK DRINK DRINK! EVEN IF THAT WASN'T YOU IN CONTROL THAT NIGHT, THAT'S STILL THE PERSON PEOPLE WILL REMEMBER YOU AS!" A little voice inside of me chirped. I hate that voice so much.
"I have tried to do the right thing since that night, but it will never erase what happened.."
Before I could say anything else Natalie laid her head on my shoulder. I could feel her breath on my neck.
"Liz.."
And then my alarm went off at 8:00 like it does every morning. Natalie was still asleep in her room next to mine. I took a shower, got dressed, fed the dogs before I left, and went to work.
This is reality but I still dream sometimes.
Zabeth
*offer hugs*
Jace offers you a hug..
I thinkI cried alittle after reading that
but it was great right? ur time together? you're lucky you had someone, i never actually got so even kiss my girlfriend and tell her how i really felt about her, same happened with her.
*sighs* *hugs again* best wishes dude, we may not talk soo much but im here if you need a friend to talk *smiles*
Sometimes I feel bad... not knowing what it's like to get hurt or being with other people.
But other times I just find myself lucky. I'm glad I met Opius, he means the world to me, and I really don't know what I would do if I never met him.
I believe in fate, and I'm sure things will someday level out for you.
Just gotta think positive... or you'll go crazy. :3
So *cheers* aye'
I will say, i dont know when, but you'll be fine. I think you'll have what it takes to accept the change as it moves on. I think you will find the strength where you need it. And dont be afraid to hurt sometimes, maybe it's what you need before you feel better. All in all, I will say that I hope you to be well as soon as you're ready.
Take care.