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More angst, pay it no mind.
13 years ago
General
I feel like I want to scream. This morning (OK, for ME it was morning...I work 10-hour graveyard shifts and that's how my internal clock works), I gave myself a near panic attack when I started mentally ticking off the things I still haven't done in my life and it quickly went from the usual self-pity bullshit (never received a blowjob, never bought a car that wasn't in someone's driveway at the time, etc.) into actual serious stuff like "almost 40 and have no savings account or pension or retirement plan or even a FUCKING CAREER"...it took a few hours of watching old Whose Line Is It Anyway? episodes on YouTube before I finally calmed down enough to think rationally again.
It reminded me of one of my theories about my creative block: that my problem is not a lack of ideas and inspiration, it's that I feel so rushed about doing something successful that I keep undercutting myself. Any artistic type will tell you that the key to failure is to do something solely for money and that those who are truly successful are those who simply do what they love for the sake of doing it...but I wasted so much time that I feel like I CAN'T take the time to find what I love, that I need this NOW and it just doesn't work that way. I can't separate my fears and the tremendous pressure I'm under daily from my art, and it's killing me. I see so much potential that I find myself running back and forth from one project or character or story idea to the other frantically, unable to decide on where to put my energy because, God forbid, what if it's the WRONG project? I've already wasted 9 years of my life on the K-Girls, that's almost decade I will NEVER get back on something that was fun at the time and ultimately led me spiraling down into the ground nose-first and left me with a cast of characters that, no matter how much I may love them, are completely worthless to me since they are all based on other people's properties, not to mention the other more troubling aspects of them.
I have joked about having weekly mid-life crises in the past, but that's exactly what I'm having right now, I think, and unlike most who have these I have NOTHING to fall back on due to injuries and my lack of training. I'm worthless and conflicted and panicking and I just want to go back to bed and hide and hope the ceiling falls in on me.
Everything everyone has ever said about me is right. I'm useless.
EDIT: And, for the record, NO, I'm NOT looking for people to tell me how great they think I am or to give me ego-strokes or shit like that. I'm fucking panicking about the shithole I've driven my life into and, frankly, I don't know WHY I'm posting this but if you think I'm just trying to fish for compliments or something like that, go take a running fuckoff and die, please.
The closest thing I can think of as to what I might want from someone who reads this is, maybe, some advice on how I can stop panicking long enough to get my ass back in gear creatively without constantly stressing about whether I can build my non-existent future from it or not. Best way I can see right now is to just give up, and that's barely a viable option because I HAVE NOTHING ELSE I CAN DO. It's no joke or self-pity thing when I say I'm useless, I AM.
So...yeah.
It reminded me of one of my theories about my creative block: that my problem is not a lack of ideas and inspiration, it's that I feel so rushed about doing something successful that I keep undercutting myself. Any artistic type will tell you that the key to failure is to do something solely for money and that those who are truly successful are those who simply do what they love for the sake of doing it...but I wasted so much time that I feel like I CAN'T take the time to find what I love, that I need this NOW and it just doesn't work that way. I can't separate my fears and the tremendous pressure I'm under daily from my art, and it's killing me. I see so much potential that I find myself running back and forth from one project or character or story idea to the other frantically, unable to decide on where to put my energy because, God forbid, what if it's the WRONG project? I've already wasted 9 years of my life on the K-Girls, that's almost decade I will NEVER get back on something that was fun at the time and ultimately led me spiraling down into the ground nose-first and left me with a cast of characters that, no matter how much I may love them, are completely worthless to me since they are all based on other people's properties, not to mention the other more troubling aspects of them.
I have joked about having weekly mid-life crises in the past, but that's exactly what I'm having right now, I think, and unlike most who have these I have NOTHING to fall back on due to injuries and my lack of training. I'm worthless and conflicted and panicking and I just want to go back to bed and hide and hope the ceiling falls in on me.
Everything everyone has ever said about me is right. I'm useless.
EDIT: And, for the record, NO, I'm NOT looking for people to tell me how great they think I am or to give me ego-strokes or shit like that. I'm fucking panicking about the shithole I've driven my life into and, frankly, I don't know WHY I'm posting this but if you think I'm just trying to fish for compliments or something like that, go take a running fuckoff and die, please.
The closest thing I can think of as to what I might want from someone who reads this is, maybe, some advice on how I can stop panicking long enough to get my ass back in gear creatively without constantly stressing about whether I can build my non-existent future from it or not. Best way I can see right now is to just give up, and that's barely a viable option because I HAVE NOTHING ELSE I CAN DO. It's no joke or self-pity thing when I say I'm useless, I AM.
So...yeah.
It may also help to commit yourself to a schedule of sorts, like having the outline finished by this time, or write a page a day or 1000 words at day. Again, it doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to be written. You can worry about perfection when it's finished. The less burdened you are with worry, the better it will flow.
If you can't decide on what to start on, ponder your options a bit and figure out which you're more interested in. Don't bother considering how it might be received or if one will do better in the long run, focus more on what interests YOU more. If you still can't decide, there's always the flip-a-coin option or drawing them from a hat.
In any case... good luck to you, man. I've been following you for years and I'd love to see those wonderful ideas you put out become a reality :)
and do you think spending all that time actually drawing and writing, albeit about characters you can't do shit with, was as useless as all the time you've spent since NOT drawing and writing? better to develop your skills, even if it's on work you can't profit from then to let them atrophy.
so you're not agreeing with me at all. that's something else entirely. actually, it would have made me look a lot better to keep my mouth shut but like hell i'm letting anyone reinterpet what i said!
Who knows. You might actually make some scratch from that.
Like I said, I have NO IDEA how useful they are in the US, but I think its worth a shot- why? Because once you start earning better money and have SOME sort of career to fall back on, you'll be a lot less stressed about trying to make a career out of art.
still, it's better to be proactive and TRY to see if they can help you and to assume they can't. i'm probably biased since the local job market is so rough they literally just suggest monster might have added something in the last 15 minutes since you last checked....
Wish I could loan you my services from here in Toronto. My employment councilor is super awesome. Now at all useful for getting ME a job in my career, but TBH that's a difficult task, considering its almost entirely who you know. XD But they have helped a LOT around me starting my own business, which I have to get back to working on now... >.>
I turn 30 in a half-hour, still live with my parents, am physically unable to drive, cannot work, have nothing even resembling a romantic or social life, and my sole hope for any sort of income means I am currently waiting on the government to get their heads out of their asses and let me know if I'm eligible for SSI/D supplemental income.
Trust me, you think you're in a major pit right now, but you could always be far worse off.