dead on the fucking road. smashed beyond belief and about probably five minutes dead. I have been weaving back and forth through the neighborhood and then checking a burrow that was close to the house and then would go through the house just in case she was in here and then rinse lather repeat. I though for a few about a half hour ago YAY i came back to the burrow and the food was nomed. maybe it was her. so i was wondering around making an ever wider spiral. then i was near the pizza shop and i say a greyish fuzzy lump in the road. i waited until the near never ending traffic stopped for a few seconds and recognized her paw amoung the smash. the blood was fresh. it had just happened. I had been searching for her since before ten am.

I even at one point passed out on the fucking porch i had gotten so tired from looking for her. just for a few.

if only i was not so crippled and sick all the time maybe i would have gotten to her in time. I know my mate is never going to forgive me. i know i won't.

right now i am trying to just not go and take an entire bottle of something and wander off. cause i really really feel like i should. or something. i deserve what she got. not her. I would not be surprised if i get tossed away for this.

i cannot even cry cause i have been doing it all day while looking for her. i have been so panicked and desperate all damn day. running myself til my blood sugar ran out and nearly dropped me several times but it was not good enough. i can never do good enough. everything i do fails so fucking hard. All because i get sick in the heat and needed the fucking door open so i could get some sort of cooler air in the basement where i live.

it is all my fucking fault. i deserve nothing but pain for this.