As the tile suggests i am feeling rather lonesome right now; i do not know why i just do and it bothering me. ive been convinced its my lack of self confidence...which is most likely true. i have had a steady relationship in a while. Even then the last one i had was pretty shitty a time i want to forget. i am constantly called anti social, which is unfortunately true. i never go out and have fun and meet new people. mostly because i do not like the people i have already met. i guess it has given me this mindset that all people are the same. i wish i did not have this. i want to know others and actually know what it feels like to love, and be loved. i have been told the words "i love you" before but when i heard them they had no meaning to me; i felt nothing. the case even maybe that i cannot feel love. whatever the situation i am just upset. Going back on the whole lacking self confidence thing. I have not been able to actually pursue making any real contact with others; i guess you can blame that one me being over protected. i am not going to say i had a horrible childhood because i did not. i just wish i was so kept to myself and the only real way i can express myself without hesitation is true writing and drawing.
i am not the best looking guy either. i have a weight issue which is not too bad but i would really like to slim down. i know i will never be able to get to 180 or even under 200. with my family and my genes i know that will almost never happen. what does this have to do with anything? well its also i big part of my lacking self confidence. i feel like whenever i am in public people stare at me. i feel like they stare at me and they say to themselves or the ones they are with; "wow, look at that fat fuck, i bet he does n t even consider exercising or trying to lose any weight; i feel sorry for anyone that sleeps with him." i know it sounds cliche and over all just ridiculous but that is what i feel people say to behind my back; which could be because within my sub-conscience i believe all people are the same; ruthless assholes. From there i guess that leads into me being antisocial. Even when i am forced into public i am very shy i try not to say anything and stay out of the way. Almost as if i feel by being present i am already a burden to everyone around me.
i have never asked anyone out before; i have always been the one being asked out. i know what you are thinking "well then should this not tell you something? people obviously do like you so now you are just complaining for the hell of it." Not if every time you are the one being broken up with as well. Being left for someone else; someone you know is obviously better. i guess after so long of that happening you begin to let go of attachments to others. Almost not wanting to connect to them, because in the end you know you are nothing more than a way for them to feel better about themselves; you are nothing more than a tool. its even my own fault, i made the same mistake more than it should have taken me to realize what was going on. With that being said i now realize that i lack self confidence because of those mistakes... i was not good enough for them. Even when i tried to go and get the person i wanted i still got shut down because i was not good enough.

That is what it comes down to..i am just not good enough...i will never be good enough.