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An Apology
13 years ago
Hey guys,
I know pretty much everything I have been writing, drawing, photos, painting has been all ‘bout whinny, insignificant emo shit. And I am so fucking tired of myself, its not even funny. All I fucking did today was mope in my room, drawing a single stupid sketch and a I watched a movie. That’s it. It fucking sickens me to be acting like such a spineless ass-hat. There is absolutely no reason for my actions. None. I have a good, peaceful life, yet somedays I act like I am living in a tragedy. No doubtably it’s partially the lack of negativity in my life that influences me to act in such a…unforgivable manner.
Now, don’t get me wrong, there is something of some slight subsistence bothering me…but the gravity of it is so small it would be a waste to describe it here. And guess what? If I would just fucking forget it and move the fuck on…It wouldn’t bother me. No it isn’t tragic. It’s not interesting. It’s just fucking stupid.
Last night…I cried. Yes. Cried. I generally do not cry for myself. Or for much of anything anymore. Anybody that really knows me can attest that death doesn’t touch me so much anymore, that the atrocities on the news barely makes me sad, that I can sit through that damn damn commercial with that angel song about abused animals an nary a tear be found. Fuck, the last time I cried was a little over a year ago, my junior year when I was about to commit suicide. At least then there was a purpose for thouse tears.
Right now, there is none.
I am going to try to knock some fucking sense into my skull and finally get the fuck over the stupid, useless, whiny funk I am in and start actually doing something. Don’t know if I will fail, or if I will succeed, but I am going to try.
I know pretty much everything I have been writing, drawing, photos, painting has been all ‘bout whinny, insignificant emo shit. And I am so fucking tired of myself, its not even funny. All I fucking did today was mope in my room, drawing a single stupid sketch and a I watched a movie. That’s it. It fucking sickens me to be acting like such a spineless ass-hat. There is absolutely no reason for my actions. None. I have a good, peaceful life, yet somedays I act like I am living in a tragedy. No doubtably it’s partially the lack of negativity in my life that influences me to act in such a…unforgivable manner.
Now, don’t get me wrong, there is something of some slight subsistence bothering me…but the gravity of it is so small it would be a waste to describe it here. And guess what? If I would just fucking forget it and move the fuck on…It wouldn’t bother me. No it isn’t tragic. It’s not interesting. It’s just fucking stupid.
Last night…I cried. Yes. Cried. I generally do not cry for myself. Or for much of anything anymore. Anybody that really knows me can attest that death doesn’t touch me so much anymore, that the atrocities on the news barely makes me sad, that I can sit through that damn damn commercial with that angel song about abused animals an nary a tear be found. Fuck, the last time I cried was a little over a year ago, my junior year when I was about to commit suicide. At least then there was a purpose for thouse tears.
Right now, there is none.
I am going to try to knock some fucking sense into my skull and finally get the fuck over the stupid, useless, whiny funk I am in and start actually doing something. Don’t know if I will fail, or if I will succeed, but I am going to try.
The world we live in today is a lot out of balance in many many ways. Even if you are not directly touched by poverty, depression, sickness ect. all this happening around us will have an effect, if we are aware of this or not.
We live in tough times and no one alive knows what will come in the following decades. Maybe the best advice to give is to make yourself aware of what is happening with you, making yourself aware of who you are, what is important for you and who and what you care about. Nothing in the material world will come with us once our live-journey is over so it can't be the physical stuff what matters.
If you feel sad without external reason maybe something within is out of balance? Observe yourself and try to find out what it is. Make yourself aware of what you feel and think, watch yourself thinking and feeling. Maybe this can help, I hope it will. ^v^
*hugs from Germany*
I never really thought about how the world, even parts that I am not directly experiencing, could play a big roll. It makes complete sense now that you bring it up, though.
Some of the causes I do know, ranging from the the traditional Kid-about-to-leave-home-and-become-an-adult worries, to fretting of the future, my one friend I need to talk too just moved to Mexico to start college, among others.
I know I don't have much to say..but thank you! It's advice I will remember. <3
*hugs*
Take your time to get over the feelings you need to get over and you shouldn't worry about anyone else as long as you're not directing negative feelings against specific people. Good luck with your feelings, you will find a way to alleviate them.
Though, I haven't taken anything out on somebody else, so that's always a good thing.
But thank you, I think...think I am starting to get better. I was feeling great today. (But I think I suffer from slight manic depression, which means I will feel like the most amazing person, but then later will feel like I shouldn't even exist. I hope it's becuase I actually truly feel better...)
Once again, thanks, thanks for understanding. <3