I had a mental break down.

While I did enjoy my trip the last night I was there I was literally suffocated with depression, suicidal thoughts, and just an over all uselessness.

I went swimming in a lake and river, I hiked hills and mountains and roasted marshmallows over an open fire for the first time. I walked worn paths and even tried to catch fish bare handed.
My dog even went with us and that just made it twice as fun.

I hate emotions, I hate rage and hate. Simple fact is I want control because I come from an abused and neglected background and even now as an adult am still terrified and afraid. I can't afford professional help and can barely afford the medications I need.

I do breakdown, I have hurt myself (even if it was only once that was one too many), and the only real solace I have is what I create. Take that and I really feel I have nothing.

Other than that, I just want to apologize for it. I don't have to, emotions and feelings are normal, but, it's just how I am.

-- Tsu