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My Mate
17 years ago
KidLoose Productions Presents: My first Journal entry here on FA, and boy is it a doosey!
I'd like to tell you all a little about my girlfriend, or my mate as she likes to be called.
My mate is the most wonderful person I've ever met.
My mate makes me happier than anyone else in the world.
My mate can take a bad day and turn it into a good one.
My mate is witty and clever, and very intelligent.
My mate is an amazing dancer.
My mate has the cutest voice.
My mate has the most adorable smile.
My mate and I like all the same things.
My mate is the most important person in my life.
My mate loves me in spite of my shortcomings, and I love her with all my heart.
...And
...last night, my mate tried to kill herself.
She's had to deal with so much pain over the course of her life. Far more than someone like me could possibly imagine. For the sake of her privacy, I won't go into detail, but suffice it to say she has not had a happy life by any stretch of the imagination. She's been hurt so much, by so many people. She's had to deal with pain so terrible that it's almost a crime that the rest of us don't get down on our knees everyday and praise whatever higher power we believe in that we haven't had to suffer like her. So much pain in fact, that she's come to see it as her destiny that she is to suffer alone. She hates people, fearing being hurt again, and sometimes lashes out to try to hurt others before they can hurt her. I'm one of the few people who really gets to see the side of her that's nice, and sweet, and kind, what I'm sure is the real her, and I do my best to help her, but unfortunately this is a long distance relationship, and there's so much I can't do because I can't be with her in person, and even if I could I'm not sure what I could do besides hold her.
This was probably a long time coming, but it reached a breaking point last night, after one of her friends decided to abandon her, and she found out another had committed suicide.
Out of the blue, by IM, she told me we couldn't date anymore, and that she wanted me to go away. I froze for a while, then I decided to call her on the phone. She couldn't talk to me right then, but told me not to go to sleep and to wait for her to call back. This was about 3AM, and though it wasn't too long of a wait for her to call back, it felt like forever.
When she did, she told me she couldn't take the pain anymore, and that she was going to end it. She told me it was a mistake for her to have fallen in love, because she was meant to be alone, and also because if we hadn't fallen in love she wouldn't have to hurt me like she was about to.
She turned on her webcam and asked to click to accept. I was terrified at what I might see, tears streaking down my face, but I clicked on it. I saw her for what I feared might be the last time, as she explained to me how she planned to do it. Long story short, she planned to poison herself in a way that would be as painless and comfortable as possible, and then pass in her sleep. At that, I turned on my own webcam and begged her to click on it. I wanted her to see me, tears streaking down my face. I guess I wanted her to see what she was doing to me, and show her that there was someone who cared...
She shushed me and told me not to cry, reminding me that I had wonderful friends who would help me cope with losing her, telling me that she was glad that I'll be taken care of, and saying how sure she was that one day I would find love again. By this point I broke down into hysterical sobbing, begging her not to go through with it. I told her that I wanted her to live, to not give up on hope, that even if she never wanted to see me again it'd be alright as long as she chose life. By this point I was sobbing so hard I was all but incoherent, hot tears rolling down my face wave after wave as I begged her not to do it.
Finally, she shushed me gently, and told me that I win. She wouldn't go through with it.
The tears continued to fall for a time after that, and I made her promise me that she wouldn't do it. She told me not to cry, and she promised me that she wouldn't. We even pinky swore (over webcam) on it. ^^
We talked on the phone late into the night. In truth, I was afraid to leave her alone. We talked of how much we cared about one another, sang each other some songs. I sung her Hold On by Good Charlotte, a favorite of mine, and one that always helped me to feel better when I was feeling blue, and I think it helped her to feel better too.
It wasn't until dawn (my time) that I felt safe enough to let her hang up. We were both really tired by then, though honestly I probably would've stayed on longer, but she didn't want me to lose anymore sleep over her. I was still somewhat afraid to leave her alone, so I made her promise that she would be there when I woke up and logged back on my computer.
We wound-up saying goodbye almost half a dozen times, neither one of us very willing to hang up on the other. When we finally did hang up the dams burst and I broke down, all the emotions I'd been holding in to put up a brave front for her while we talked and sang gushing forward, and I broke into more hysterical sobbing, and I cried myself to sleep.
Several hours later, I woke with this fear. I didn't want to get out of bed, afraid to go to my computer. I was afraid that when I logged on she wouldn't be there. I wound-up lying in bed, clutching my bunny plushy for dear life as I sobbed and feared what might be waiting for me when I signed on.
When I finally did, I breathed a heavy sigh of relief as I saw her screen name there waiting for me, and immediately messaged her. I told her how afraid I'd been that she wouldn't be there when I signed in, and begged her to never scare me like that again, and she promised she would never do it again. After that, she called and we talked for a long while about this and that, as if nothing had happened, though I couldn't help but to think how much I would miss this if she had died. These simple moments with her are among the most precious to me, as before I'd met her I never knew how much joy could come just from simple conversation and the right company.
Writing this, I had to fight back tears for most of it. However, I feel a bit better now, both for having gotten this off my chest, and knowing that my mate is out of danger. Still, I feel like I've failed her somewhat, because as her mate I feel it's my job to make her happy, which I obviously haven't been doing very well. I know it's not going to be easy, as she's got a lotta pain I need to help her through, and sometimes I just don't know what to do except to keep on trying and keep on reminding her that there's someone who cares.
I'd like to tell you all a little about my girlfriend, or my mate as she likes to be called.
My mate is the most wonderful person I've ever met.
My mate makes me happier than anyone else in the world.
My mate can take a bad day and turn it into a good one.
My mate is witty and clever, and very intelligent.
My mate is an amazing dancer.
My mate has the cutest voice.
My mate has the most adorable smile.
My mate and I like all the same things.
My mate is the most important person in my life.
My mate loves me in spite of my shortcomings, and I love her with all my heart.
...And
...last night, my mate tried to kill herself.
She's had to deal with so much pain over the course of her life. Far more than someone like me could possibly imagine. For the sake of her privacy, I won't go into detail, but suffice it to say she has not had a happy life by any stretch of the imagination. She's been hurt so much, by so many people. She's had to deal with pain so terrible that it's almost a crime that the rest of us don't get down on our knees everyday and praise whatever higher power we believe in that we haven't had to suffer like her. So much pain in fact, that she's come to see it as her destiny that she is to suffer alone. She hates people, fearing being hurt again, and sometimes lashes out to try to hurt others before they can hurt her. I'm one of the few people who really gets to see the side of her that's nice, and sweet, and kind, what I'm sure is the real her, and I do my best to help her, but unfortunately this is a long distance relationship, and there's so much I can't do because I can't be with her in person, and even if I could I'm not sure what I could do besides hold her.
This was probably a long time coming, but it reached a breaking point last night, after one of her friends decided to abandon her, and she found out another had committed suicide.
Out of the blue, by IM, she told me we couldn't date anymore, and that she wanted me to go away. I froze for a while, then I decided to call her on the phone. She couldn't talk to me right then, but told me not to go to sleep and to wait for her to call back. This was about 3AM, and though it wasn't too long of a wait for her to call back, it felt like forever.
When she did, she told me she couldn't take the pain anymore, and that she was going to end it. She told me it was a mistake for her to have fallen in love, because she was meant to be alone, and also because if we hadn't fallen in love she wouldn't have to hurt me like she was about to.
She turned on her webcam and asked to click to accept. I was terrified at what I might see, tears streaking down my face, but I clicked on it. I saw her for what I feared might be the last time, as she explained to me how she planned to do it. Long story short, she planned to poison herself in a way that would be as painless and comfortable as possible, and then pass in her sleep. At that, I turned on my own webcam and begged her to click on it. I wanted her to see me, tears streaking down my face. I guess I wanted her to see what she was doing to me, and show her that there was someone who cared...
She shushed me and told me not to cry, reminding me that I had wonderful friends who would help me cope with losing her, telling me that she was glad that I'll be taken care of, and saying how sure she was that one day I would find love again. By this point I broke down into hysterical sobbing, begging her not to go through with it. I told her that I wanted her to live, to not give up on hope, that even if she never wanted to see me again it'd be alright as long as she chose life. By this point I was sobbing so hard I was all but incoherent, hot tears rolling down my face wave after wave as I begged her not to do it.
Finally, she shushed me gently, and told me that I win. She wouldn't go through with it.
The tears continued to fall for a time after that, and I made her promise me that she wouldn't do it. She told me not to cry, and she promised me that she wouldn't. We even pinky swore (over webcam) on it. ^^
We talked on the phone late into the night. In truth, I was afraid to leave her alone. We talked of how much we cared about one another, sang each other some songs. I sung her Hold On by Good Charlotte, a favorite of mine, and one that always helped me to feel better when I was feeling blue, and I think it helped her to feel better too.
It wasn't until dawn (my time) that I felt safe enough to let her hang up. We were both really tired by then, though honestly I probably would've stayed on longer, but she didn't want me to lose anymore sleep over her. I was still somewhat afraid to leave her alone, so I made her promise that she would be there when I woke up and logged back on my computer.
We wound-up saying goodbye almost half a dozen times, neither one of us very willing to hang up on the other. When we finally did hang up the dams burst and I broke down, all the emotions I'd been holding in to put up a brave front for her while we talked and sang gushing forward, and I broke into more hysterical sobbing, and I cried myself to sleep.
Several hours later, I woke with this fear. I didn't want to get out of bed, afraid to go to my computer. I was afraid that when I logged on she wouldn't be there. I wound-up lying in bed, clutching my bunny plushy for dear life as I sobbed and feared what might be waiting for me when I signed on.
When I finally did, I breathed a heavy sigh of relief as I saw her screen name there waiting for me, and immediately messaged her. I told her how afraid I'd been that she wouldn't be there when I signed in, and begged her to never scare me like that again, and she promised she would never do it again. After that, she called and we talked for a long while about this and that, as if nothing had happened, though I couldn't help but to think how much I would miss this if she had died. These simple moments with her are among the most precious to me, as before I'd met her I never knew how much joy could come just from simple conversation and the right company.
Writing this, I had to fight back tears for most of it. However, I feel a bit better now, both for having gotten this off my chest, and knowing that my mate is out of danger. Still, I feel like I've failed her somewhat, because as her mate I feel it's my job to make her happy, which I obviously haven't been doing very well. I know it's not going to be easy, as she's got a lotta pain I need to help her through, and sometimes I just don't know what to do except to keep on trying and keep on reminding her that there's someone who cares.
~KidLoose Productions
Anyways, I really want to thank you for what you said. I do indeed try to let her now how special she is to me, and how I think every little thing she does is magic.
I'm flattered that you respect me, but I don't really deserve it. All I really did was cry and plead with her, I really didn't do all that much. I'm just glad I was able to reach her at all.
If you and your mate really care about one another, then I have no doubt that he would indeed do the same for if you were in a similar position, or you for him if the role were reversed.
This is been a really trying week for the both of us, but we're finally over the hump and starting to feel better. She's started getting treatment, and I'm doing my best to support her.