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General Mood and Difficulties
13 years ago
For my art, check my DA!
>>> http://zee-wolf.deviantart.com <<< So the last few journals have been pretty upbeat, but now it's time for the roller coaster to slide down the other way. Bit of a rant-y post, and a bit of emotional venting, even if some of it is nonsensical. Just bear with me if you want to read through this.
First off, work sucks lately. Because of some new scheduling thing our hours are all over the place, and rarely do we overlap so our constantly-busy cafe is often overrun with only two people on duty at the time. We have one person trying to keep up with food orders while the other tries to run the register, but we're constantly interrupted by people who complain about no ice (ice machines have been broken), or else not having something for them RIGHT THEN despite the fact that we're busy and have a line of 20+ people. It's very frustrating. Atop that, we're supposed to make pizzas for the case in the back (i.e. frozen pizzas so families can pick them up and take them home to bake) every day, and that's anywhere from 25-30+ pizzas on an average day. Generally we're too busy to do them during the day anymore, what with having so few people on shift, which means whoever is closing has to make them. 25-30 pizzas is roughly 2-3 hours of work, and since closing starts at 8:30, that means JUST the pizza making takes until 10-11ish. And THEN cleaning happens, and since it's usually one person on closing now, I've been at work as late as 1:00 AM because there's just so much to do and not enough help. It's REALLY frustrating.
Second, home life is just as bad as ever, if not worse. My dad's temper's been getting really bad lately, and I'm worried that it's going to get to the point of physical abuse. Since I'm right next door to my parents' room, and the walls are paper-thin, I hear all of the arguments, which is mostly him tearing her down emotionally, calling her names, etc. I constantly have my phone nearby if I need to call the police, but the emotional stress is really getting to me of late. I swear if I did not have my IRL friends and my boyfriend, I would probably have hung myself or something, in all seriousness. I can't stand this, most days. I broke down driving home one day from work, talking to Zy on the phone, and frankly I'm afraid that I could break down again at any time. Doing so at work, for example, could be bad.
Third, and probably most unreasonably, I've been having "problems" with my online friends. Don't get me wrong, I find many of you guys to be my friends, and I enjoy our conversations. But the problem is that most of you have your own lives, and that means you're busy or often away. I don't get a lot of conversation in because I've not been in the emotional state to start them, and since people are busy (I'm not blaming you folks, you have lives too!) that means that I don't talk to people often. Generally I sit online and get maybe one or two conversations a day tops aside from talking to Zy daily. And those other conversations die pretty quickly because the people get distracted, or I'm not sure what to say, or we just have nothing to talk about. That means I tend to get pretty lonely when Zy can't be around, which combined with my home life and my overall stress causes me to really swing into depressions. Again, I'm not blaming any of you. Just sort of venting/rambling here.
But yeah, this is what's been going on with my mental state lately. I'm falling apart a lot, getting little done, and pretty much living in a daze of late. I just find myself waiting for life to happen, nothing else.
For those who are waiting on commissions, by the way, I will get them done, but as of this point they are free of charge. I have wasted a TON of your time getting them done, and I haven't even finished the first one. No charge at this point, and I won't accept pity money ("Oh, you did the work, here's your payment anyway." "Oh, I don't mind paying.") or gifts or donations or anything. It's a matter of pride, one of the few things I have of late. I will try and force myself to get them done and out of the way. My apologies again for the delays.
Signing off for now. Take care, folks.
~Zeich
First off, work sucks lately. Because of some new scheduling thing our hours are all over the place, and rarely do we overlap so our constantly-busy cafe is often overrun with only two people on duty at the time. We have one person trying to keep up with food orders while the other tries to run the register, but we're constantly interrupted by people who complain about no ice (ice machines have been broken), or else not having something for them RIGHT THEN despite the fact that we're busy and have a line of 20+ people. It's very frustrating. Atop that, we're supposed to make pizzas for the case in the back (i.e. frozen pizzas so families can pick them up and take them home to bake) every day, and that's anywhere from 25-30+ pizzas on an average day. Generally we're too busy to do them during the day anymore, what with having so few people on shift, which means whoever is closing has to make them. 25-30 pizzas is roughly 2-3 hours of work, and since closing starts at 8:30, that means JUST the pizza making takes until 10-11ish. And THEN cleaning happens, and since it's usually one person on closing now, I've been at work as late as 1:00 AM because there's just so much to do and not enough help. It's REALLY frustrating.
Second, home life is just as bad as ever, if not worse. My dad's temper's been getting really bad lately, and I'm worried that it's going to get to the point of physical abuse. Since I'm right next door to my parents' room, and the walls are paper-thin, I hear all of the arguments, which is mostly him tearing her down emotionally, calling her names, etc. I constantly have my phone nearby if I need to call the police, but the emotional stress is really getting to me of late. I swear if I did not have my IRL friends and my boyfriend, I would probably have hung myself or something, in all seriousness. I can't stand this, most days. I broke down driving home one day from work, talking to Zy on the phone, and frankly I'm afraid that I could break down again at any time. Doing so at work, for example, could be bad.
Third, and probably most unreasonably, I've been having "problems" with my online friends. Don't get me wrong, I find many of you guys to be my friends, and I enjoy our conversations. But the problem is that most of you have your own lives, and that means you're busy or often away. I don't get a lot of conversation in because I've not been in the emotional state to start them, and since people are busy (I'm not blaming you folks, you have lives too!) that means that I don't talk to people often. Generally I sit online and get maybe one or two conversations a day tops aside from talking to Zy daily. And those other conversations die pretty quickly because the people get distracted, or I'm not sure what to say, or we just have nothing to talk about. That means I tend to get pretty lonely when Zy can't be around, which combined with my home life and my overall stress causes me to really swing into depressions. Again, I'm not blaming any of you. Just sort of venting/rambling here.
But yeah, this is what's been going on with my mental state lately. I'm falling apart a lot, getting little done, and pretty much living in a daze of late. I just find myself waiting for life to happen, nothing else.
For those who are waiting on commissions, by the way, I will get them done, but as of this point they are free of charge. I have wasted a TON of your time getting them done, and I haven't even finished the first one. No charge at this point, and I won't accept pity money ("Oh, you did the work, here's your payment anyway." "Oh, I don't mind paying.") or gifts or donations or anything. It's a matter of pride, one of the few things I have of late. I will try and force myself to get them done and out of the way. My apologies again for the delays.
Signing off for now. Take care, folks.
~Zeich
mojalth
Sasuke
What are you working towards? As far as I know, it's to be with Zy. Whatever he obstacles or the stress, focus on that. I know it's hard, probably harder than I can even imagine to go through what you're going through. I *know* you can do it, though, and if it gets to the point that you feel you can't take anymore, seek help.
If telling your parents, especially your dad, how their arguing and his behavior are affecting you isn't enough to stir them into helping you or at least coming to some sort of resolution, then seek medical help. Find a suicide hotline, national and for your area, and keep the numbers close at hand. DO NOT let it defeat you, do not let your circumstances defeat you. You CAN and you WILL get through all of this, and there is no shame in seeking help when it is needed. You can talk to me about pride until you're blue in the face, but if you neglect yourself or your health, THAT is shameful, to yourself and to those who care about you. I don't mean to be harsh, I just want to make sure you get the help you need, and prepare beforehand just in case.
I'm really worried about you. You can text or call me anytime even if I'm not online. I'm here for you, Zee. *hugs you super tight*