So, today I start packing stuff away to move in a few weeks. I start school next week and need to figure out what I'm doing as far as a job goes. I think I'm going to end up having to transfer over to a store closer to my new place so I can start moving in and such.

I'm sure the excitement of being moved out will set in when I do it, but so far the excitement of it being on the horizon is gone. I'm nervous. Very nervous. Some of that comes from the thought of living on my own and dealing with things on my own terms, but a lot of that is nervousness about school. I fear I'm going to fail and/or I fear that I am not going for the right reasons.

Over the years, it's been a giant tug of war game with me in the middle, with one side saying "music isn't a viable thing to pursue, go the safe route and do music on the side." and the other side saying "pursue your passion."

I'm a realist with a hint of optimism. I know that money isn't everything but I also know that living on my own, solidly, with a decent flow of money is something I need to DO things that make me happy. On the other hand, I do not want to live my whole life repressing my passion and doing something that gets me money for the simple sake of getting money. I like computers, don't get me wrong, but I feel like I am telling myself that I would like a career in it more simply to be more ok with the idea of doing it for a living.

Growing up poor, I was told that art was good as a hobby, but there's no way you can make a living off of it, or rather it is extremely rare. Likewise, growing up poor has no doubt stressed a higher importance of money on me than most people. You need money for everything, and without it, you'll probably die sooner, to put it in harsh terms.

I honestly and truly don't know. I've been struggling with this for years and am still struggling with it, and I don't think there is any particular right answer. It just aggrivates me to no end. So many other things have an answer... I can research it and plan and work hard... but the one thing I can't is the one thing that matters.

It's better than doing nothing I suppose.