I suppose I'm due for an update of some sort. For those who are interested, or simply been doin' your own thing, you can refer to this thing to know what's been up. This is merely a moment for me to collect my thoughts and share my feelings for those with curious hearts.

Note: Been keeping things on the down-low. Perhaps not healthy for me but it is, what it is. So I'm going to let it here, parts of it whether to be ridiculed for just being another stereotypical "Furry" journal or some shit. Whatever, I'll take the hit, if I have to. I'm not looking for sympathies, I don't need it. All you need to know, is

I'm a survivor.
****

College starts next week. I look rather forward to it! I'm going to be taking two Math classes and one Ethics class, so this is going to be an interesting semester. I'm pretty much going to spend my Tuesdays/Thursdays on campus for the majority of the day, so thank goodness I have my laptop to keep me a bit sane in the downtime. I'm contemplating on starting a Chess Club of some sort, I don't know if there's any interest in that since it's a pretty ghetto campus but we'll see! Today I'm a follower, but tomorrow, I'll be a leader damnit! :3

Choosing a career is a bit uncertain at the moment, I'm thinking an engineer of some sort would be nice. Perhaps in Computer or Electrical maybe even Robotics of some sort. Not sure, I realize why I'm so indecisive on why I can't choose. I've had quite an interesting talk with one of the many ladies I talk to at work. :P Man, the downside of being a homosexual. Could totallly go out with these chicks. xD It's been weird now that I've become the Alpha-male at night. :x lol

But anyways, aside from that, It was quite enlightening to hear their stories, their struggles, and just been exchanging words of encouragement. I've realized that, and said this to her,

"When you wake up and realize your situation, your whole world shatters. When you simply feel like a cog in the gear, you aren't able to see the skies anymore. You're merely a replaceable part in this machine where you aren't allowed to dream, and when you dare to think, you're punished by only working harder. You're body is too sore to fight back at this point, and you simply let life control you."

Just blew my own mind, saying this stuff without realizing it. It as rather deep, and I'm glad I had this conversation because I don't think I'd be posting this here.

All my life, I've grew up dreaming of being able to create/control robots. But because of my early years, I've been told that I've always been stupid, an idiot, a good-for-nothing fatass who only brought shame and misery upon my entire family. I believed it throughout my life.

Time after time, I'd cry into the evening. I couldn't have any pets as my father would kill or abuse them as he did to me. I couldn't have friends over because my father would flip out, and break my video games. I suppose this is why I never really finished my SNES games. I remember I also had suuchh a huge interest in outer space! I loved the moon, stars, planets and all that jazz. I remember when I was certain I wanted to be an astronomer too! But it just never worked out that way. The day I got a telescope for Christmas was the day my dad humiliated me infront of all my neighborhood friends and broke it in the street for all to see and serve as a warning. He really didn't want me to share it with my friends, but I still did anyways. Eventually my friends left me. I had no one, and I remember those nights where I just laid on my lawn, and stared at the night skies. One night I saw a shooting star, and just made a simply wish. I didn't want toys, I didn't want video games, although they would have been nice, I just wished I had some friends.

And you know, I'm happy to say that I know plenty of great friends. Friends that are genuinely interested in me, as what friends do, playing video games, going on adventures whenever it's possible, and checking up on me to see what's up. You know who you are. I just wanted to take this moment and thank you all for putting up with my bullshit.

It's a lot getting off my chest, but I suppose this is a step in the healing process. :]

I brought the past up, because looking back, I've gone through plenty and now, seeing myself, I've come a long way of becoming a better person. I feel like I'm slowly coming out of my shell, breaking down defensive barriers. Simply making improvements upon my life for once.

Instead of being so needy, I'm finding my way to becoming independent. Instead of being stupid, I've taken an interest in learning all sorts of subjects out there the integrating them together. It's fun to me! I feel like I've made a difference among my family and friends. My body image is fine, I don't feel as insecure as I have before. I had it pretty bad where I'd always wear a sweatshirt because I didn't want anyone to see my belly. But now I'm totalllyy okay with that. ;D I'm sexy and I know it! Bwahah!

So when I go back to campus, this should make an interesting comeback. I'm a whole completely different person than I was before. I'm sure I'll make plenty of friends, I'll do well in class because I've been reassured by other local friends that I'm a pretty bright person, and for once I don't even feel nervous, I actually have confidence in myself. :3

Sooo yep! Just been doin' some soul-searchin' and just learning to becoming a better person. I realize my flaws and working at them. I suppose I can be a bit of a narcissistic person, I don't know if this one of those flaws, I like to know how I'm doing, in order to find acceptance from others. :x

LOVE ME!!! D8

lol

Anyway, I hope you fellas are doing swell. I know some of you are going back to campus. I wish you guys the best! And well, you others are going to work twice as much, and all I can say is, think of da monneeyyy essseee! ;D Before you know it, Winter will be here~ <3 Can't wait until the cool breezy days come along~ Heee

Cheers!