Today, just like all week now, I really haven't been my real happy self. I'm rarely at peace in my mind anymore. I...well....how should I put this....kinda use to turn to....getting...high to deal with it...but I stopped all the kiddy bullshit and grow up. To really deal with it anymore is to put my earphones in and just zone out with the music and talk to my mate. I live for my music and I really wouldn't know what I would do if I didn't have it or if I didn't have my mate to help me calm down....mentally. Today wasn't one of the greatest days in the world for me. Woke up and just wanted to lay back down and die, but I said fuck that. I got up, talked to my mate  avalonanders mowed the grass, cleaned out my car, and washed it. I find that just laying around not doing anything won't help me one bit. But I'm just fighting myself to get out the bed and get motivated enough to do something. I go to bed in tears and I woke up in tears. I'm just so tired....I just want to sleep....I want to pain to go away. If it wasn't for my mate, I wouldn't be here today. Only she knows what to do to keep my mind in the right place and keep me here. So I have to think her....I owe her everything.