well.. was sad all day at work despite all my new cool friends their trying to cheer me up.. I really let things get to me which was pretty stupid as i had the opportunity to forget plenty of times. This same thing happens every time you go to cons. Its just me all here alone.. i want you happy but i hate this feeling.. its not you its not me.. i cant grow older faster and its all just waiting.. i just want you happy and its not self esteem or pride but i just dont feel good enough to be yours.. i just feel i dont offer enough to contribute to that smile.. enough to call you mine.. its just my guilty pleasure to watch it gleem across your face though.. if only i could do it myself more often.. i just want to be all yours and there experiencing things first hand not on the sidelines.. i worry alot but for no reason.. just.. i want to feel like you could officially call me yours you mine.. i love you baby but im just not enough right now.. and im only acting irrationally rational acting in self interests.. i could instead contribute alot more rather than create more problems myself but.. just.. bleh.. v-v and bad calls of judgements are starting to be made on my hand like schools.. starting to get really biased instead of why.. even after promising you i wouldnt.. but im trying hard to stay focused on the bigger more important goal... just.. i know you said you'd wait and i trust you.. but i just have to ask again if you meant it and that you really would.. i dont wanna be led this far into the dark and left alone..again.. i know this is a very stupid journal but i need it out.. i just want you to have fun .. and as always i miss you deeply.. i love knowing youre happy but please be smart and careful for me?.. ....listening to AWOLNATION - Sail ....on repeat.. i know you always say its ok im not there.. but it never makes me feel any better.. you say its ok for this and that.. and next time but it still hurts.. i just dont know what to say.. maybe im just weird.. maybe im crazy im obsessive.. maybe im just crazy for you?.. just i want to be yours..