I used to think I couldn't feel this way. That I lacked the capability to mourn the death of a loved one... or hell, whether or not I had anyone in my life that I actually loved. My parents, my siblings, my Aunts, Uncles, Childhood friends, etc... No one ever got close to me. I've always pushed my own feelings away or they've simply never surfaced.

However, a few people entered my life and helped me to open up... to a degree. It's still hard to let go and trust someone... I've still only said "I love you" to two people and known that I truly do. It's beyond liberating to be able to say those words and mean them...

Unfortunately one of those two is no longer with us.

It's hard to comprehend just how devastating that can be... to abruptly lose someone you love with all of your being. How each and every happy thought can be mirrored so perfectly... sending you into darkness... then even lower when the reality of it sets in.

Yet, I know now and knew then that the last thing she would want is for me to stop living after she had passed away. Oddly enough it was something we had discussed prior... I told her then that any pain I could feel; any sadness that would be brought on by her no longer being in my life would be worth having her love.

That was no lie, I would gladly go through every bit of it again... but I had no idea how quickly that statement would be tested. Nor could I imagine just how much pain and sadness would follow in the wake of her passing.

It's been a year, and the pain of the loss is still there... but life must move forward. Admittedly the pain is less... time does heal all wounds. I can talk about her now without "bleh" thoughts flaring into my mind. I can find comfort in seeing her picture instead of sorrow. I have even started to mend my own heart and even hope to find someone else some day.

I can't really think of how to end this post... I've restarted this last paragraph 4 times at least... I think that might be a sign of ramblings... so I'll just ask that if you have a loved one... someone you truly care for. Tell them, show them, make sure they know how you feel. Because that feeling is something truly worth cherishing.

I love you Kathy,
RIP