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A beginning? An Ending?
19 years ago
General
I just don't know anymore. I was never good at these journal things, but I'm feeling ... generous with my time. Yeah, let's WASTE some! Whoop-de-doo.
Alright so, for the longest time, my job had me working seven days a week. Okay, so it wasn't THE longest time, but good god it FELT like it. Shit. I've had years that passed quicker than those two weeks... I couldn't even REMEMBER one payday by the time I got to the next. But you see, that's a rub, isn't it, when all you're concerned about is paydays... When all you're looking at is what's 'next'. Gods.
This is what happens to NORMAL people. This isn't supposed to happen to me, dammit!
THEY get all wrapped up in what's 'coming'. Others get all wrapped up in what 'happened'. Really it's all fiction next to the allmighty NOW, and NOW I think I could go for sleep a little more than chinese food, but that's besides the point. If you think about the future and you think about the past, you don't have enough time to appreciate what the hell you're doing right NOW! Anything that isn't the present is a potential rut. Gotta open your mind. Ask yourself unlimtedly sometime, "what do I really, really want, RIGHT NOW?"
Don't limit yourself to grandiose terms. You might actually find it refreshing if you just admitted that you'd really like a sandwich. Or a soda. Or ... if you'd like to look at a sunset, or a deep forest, or to satisfy any given sense or any number of senses. Living in the moment may sound like a sad, impotent way to live... but how is it any worse than spending day in and day out growing ulcers over shit that you only think is important because THEY TOLD YOU SO?
Though it's worth noting that some people really get a kick out of servitude... I've known a lot of really great people who were submissive. They get a buzz out of making someone happy. That's fine, as long as you don't stress yourself out about it. What good is life if you don't have fun with it.
The biggest problem I HAD with my job though, was that it was obstructing my access to the NOW. Because, so often, "NOW" intersected with Work Time. 50% of ALL 'NOW' incidences, for that time, occured at Work, where I couldn't just go down the street and get a sandwich, what with all the sandwich shops being closed, since I work third shift... not to mention the fact that I catch hell when I leave the facility before my shift is up. BLAH. The mind ends up falling into a zombie mode... just as useless as sleep. I already spend one third of my lifetime being unconscious... don't need to make it two thirds.
But I've digressed a LOT so far, so I'm going to draw a line. Moving right along, my job gives me weekends again, and suddenly there is free time. It's amazing what a measily 64 hours of no obligations can do. NOW is no longer fogged by fatigue and soreness. I can actually get myself in the mood to DRAW while I'm sitting at my desk between patrols.
And personally, I have known no greater SLACK, PURE SALLACK, than creating something pretty, having people look at it, and observing them in a state of pleased-ness by appeasing their senses with the work of MY HANDS. It's almost like the power to play god! YOU! BE HAPPY! YOU! FALL IN LOVE! The right image can sculpt emotion as surely as clay. I could swear that the USE of Art is as much of an Art as the Art ITSELF.
I am ending my ramble.
Unconscious state approaching in 10... 9... 8... 7...
Alright so, for the longest time, my job had me working seven days a week. Okay, so it wasn't THE longest time, but good god it FELT like it. Shit. I've had years that passed quicker than those two weeks... I couldn't even REMEMBER one payday by the time I got to the next. But you see, that's a rub, isn't it, when all you're concerned about is paydays... When all you're looking at is what's 'next'. Gods.
This is what happens to NORMAL people. This isn't supposed to happen to me, dammit!
THEY get all wrapped up in what's 'coming'. Others get all wrapped up in what 'happened'. Really it's all fiction next to the allmighty NOW, and NOW I think I could go for sleep a little more than chinese food, but that's besides the point. If you think about the future and you think about the past, you don't have enough time to appreciate what the hell you're doing right NOW! Anything that isn't the present is a potential rut. Gotta open your mind. Ask yourself unlimtedly sometime, "what do I really, really want, RIGHT NOW?"
Don't limit yourself to grandiose terms. You might actually find it refreshing if you just admitted that you'd really like a sandwich. Or a soda. Or ... if you'd like to look at a sunset, or a deep forest, or to satisfy any given sense or any number of senses. Living in the moment may sound like a sad, impotent way to live... but how is it any worse than spending day in and day out growing ulcers over shit that you only think is important because THEY TOLD YOU SO?
Though it's worth noting that some people really get a kick out of servitude... I've known a lot of really great people who were submissive. They get a buzz out of making someone happy. That's fine, as long as you don't stress yourself out about it. What good is life if you don't have fun with it.
The biggest problem I HAD with my job though, was that it was obstructing my access to the NOW. Because, so often, "NOW" intersected with Work Time. 50% of ALL 'NOW' incidences, for that time, occured at Work, where I couldn't just go down the street and get a sandwich, what with all the sandwich shops being closed, since I work third shift... not to mention the fact that I catch hell when I leave the facility before my shift is up. BLAH. The mind ends up falling into a zombie mode... just as useless as sleep. I already spend one third of my lifetime being unconscious... don't need to make it two thirds.
But I've digressed a LOT so far, so I'm going to draw a line. Moving right along, my job gives me weekends again, and suddenly there is free time. It's amazing what a measily 64 hours of no obligations can do. NOW is no longer fogged by fatigue and soreness. I can actually get myself in the mood to DRAW while I'm sitting at my desk between patrols.
And personally, I have known no greater SLACK, PURE SALLACK, than creating something pretty, having people look at it, and observing them in a state of pleased-ness by appeasing their senses with the work of MY HANDS. It's almost like the power to play god! YOU! BE HAPPY! YOU! FALL IN LOVE! The right image can sculpt emotion as surely as clay. I could swear that the USE of Art is as much of an Art as the Art ITSELF.
I am ending my ramble.
Unconscious state approaching in 10... 9... 8... 7...
