today has sucked. for so many reasons. honestly had a panic attack earlier from it all. I feel defeated and worthless from it all. i wonder what the hell i have done. i look and see i have left nothing to the world. i am feeling very strangely mortalesque. yet knowing i have survived more shit that a voltron made of cats that are also made of smaller cats driven by cats i know i will survive this. and be more scarred and fucked up from it all. I need to find somewhere to ask someone who has amputated limbs what it is like. i always figured the stump would hurt after wearing them all day. not that i am like going to be losing a limb this week or anything. but my legs and feet get worse all the damn time. so it is really only a matter of time. even if medical science came up with a breakthrough tomorrow i would never get it. Poor people do not get shit. even when we get the free medicine we get the shit meds. read an article on how generic drugs rea
lly are the shit. in a bad way most of the time. I know there are like all these new awesome ways to get insulin in you that do not involve a needle. for i am greatly terrified of syringes. NONE of those are covered by my insurance. i get the Pen which is a disguised syringe of true absolute torture. it looks like a pen. but then you the dear diabetic get to take the cover off revealing a nightmarish glass syringe body that YOU PERSONALLY HAVE TO PUT THE FUCKING NEEDLE TIP ONTO AND THEM PUSH OUT THE AIR BUBBLE! LEST IT GOES IN YOUR BLOOD STREAM AND KILLS YOU! thats the best i can get. thats it. my last insurance gave me 4 days of physical therapy a YEAR. four days. that will clear shit up. I am filled with anger and fear and desperation and feel like going back on my ill fated diet of only lettuce. as it is when i do finally after months of trying get a fucking doctors appointment i am going to have them try to get me the stomach death treatment. i mean barbaric surgery. i mean baraitric surgery. nearly ever single male i know has died from it. but i should be the exception. right now i honestly feel murderous and suicidal. i finally get a chance to clean and get crippled in a whole new and even more fundamentally fucked up way... i have so much i want to say and yet none of it can really be typed out. hell i am probably going to delete this shit later. not being a troll but this is honestly some fucked up shit i am typing here. and i just feel like no one fucking cares much at all anyway. and i swear if i get fed one more spoonful of that shit called hope. i am going to vomit over everything in the world. and i will eat hot spicy food and corn to make it all that much more disgusting. for decades i have been being fed hope and all it does it hurt more and more each time it fails.