Coldness is not just produced by inside and outside temparatures, it can be created by hidden emotions as well. The past few days I've been cold, shivering beyond belief.

Today I had taken a hot water bottle to bed with me, when I was laying down. And even though the bottle was hot to the touch, I couldn't stop shivering. Only when the tears started rolling, the shivers stopped.

When I got up I felt warm again. It didn't make any sense at the time.

When I was at the therapist this afternoon I broke down. Cried my eyes out. Didn't want this life anymore. The therapist asked if I wanted to talk to the doctor about medication. As much as I hated it, I nodded. Fortunately he was in the building, gave me a new insight on life. Useful information on how to regulate my daily life.

Back in the therapists office I felt the shivers in my body. I told the therapist. She told me the shivers can be caused by emotions. Hidden deep in the mind, eager to come out.

I told her about what happened at the potential jobsite. As much as I want to work, she doesn't see me able too work. Not yet. Depression is again the word.

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with the other doctor. I will ask for an alternative medication, preferably homeopathic. I don't want the regular stuff anymore, I'm scared to lose that one thing I still have in life. That last bit of sanity I still have left.

For tonight I'm gonna take a sleeping pill. The shivers have come back.