(Bit of vent, and long to boat, soooooo warning I guess)

Ya know, I thought I was done, after a sleepless night, and then sending note, hoping to reconnected with an old friends… But my mind won’t quite down.. and I feel I must say more, to you all, or to anyone who cares to read. As I grow closer to moving on with my life, starting to move away from familiarity, as much as I dislike my current routine, the unknown begins to frighten me, even if what lies at the end is better….

What calms me down, honestly, is all of you. This fandom, you furries.. it means different things to a lot of us.. and for me.. well you guys are family. All this has shaped me greatly, and I fine my long lasting friends online, route from here. Though I wish the track recorded on that was better. Because I won’t lie, it’s hard. Friends come and go, and rarely do I deal with it well, people drift, and get busy, especially at the point the most of us are at in our lives. And don’t miss understand, it’s not your fault, it’s mine. While your all doing what you must, I’m latching on to what I have, and doing my best to busy myself when I can… Though I’m not very good at it, very rarely does that end productively.

And these thoughts, they swarm. Where do I stand with the people I care about? We’ll the ones that are a distance away so much as give me a wave down the line? Why am I SO bothered without certain people in my life, when they seem to be getting along well enough without me? And to the friends I do have, am I taking them for granted? Am I not doing enough for them? And why?

These things swirl around me often, and I’m mostly just saying all this to say it, it’s not targeted at anyone, this is very a much a MASS thing. I just hate it, that I’ll look over this BIG list of people to talk to… and not know who to even say hi too… And I’m not sure what to do about it.

And I don’t expect any answers, this is venting after all, but… It’s so bitter sweet, because while these sorts of thoughts haunt me at times…. This morning at least, it’s making me smile… Because this is me, this is a key defining feature, and I feel good to have all these self reflecting thoughts, and to really try and take more step to working them out, cause I can see a future where I’m working hard towards passion, and I have a large group of loving stead friends, some of which I get to actually SEE in the world outside of all this.

But that’s also to keep in mind, that I’m hoping to have more of all this, not less, because this is my ticket to what I want, not something holding me back from it, as much as I have worried about it. And two all who actually cared to read all this, I must give thanks, because I’ll reiterate, what I have hear is a hobby, a fetish, a life style, or any of that, it’s family, and it’s hard to imagine what it would all be like without this element. It’s not really a long shot to venture I meant be dead for some reason or another, past handful of years have had enough rough patches with you all around, I shudder to think what I would have had to deal with without.

Well anyway, I think I finally got all… whatever this is out, best to get this out of my head, lest it explode at some point. I do hope you guys are doing well, and that my rambling hasn’t eaten up valuable time.