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Semi-Ranty Personal Life shit
13 years ago
When I try to fix things…I ALWAYS end up making them worse. Fuck me. I know…I know that I messed up with so many people. I know this…What I don’t know is what to do, how to fix this. When I think things are looking up…I fuck up again.
Oh for a while I was doing good. Feeling amazing. Almost two weeks with out cutting, much less feeling the need to cut. Gods it was great. Things were looking up.
Why would I expect that would last?
I always seem to say and do the wrong things at the worst moments. While trying to defend one person, I gut the other….Oh how tired I am of being so scared. Then I find out that I’ve been… neglectful towards one of my closets friends. That recently I’ve been taking our relationship for granted. Three people in my life that I honestly do care about…In one day learn that I’ve hurt them all.
Why do I even bother trying? Why? Why don’t I just give up with people? Cut ties with most everybody except those that I need to keep in contact with for business reasons. I mean, fuck, I just end up hurting everybody so the best I could do for them is the leave ‘em all alone, right?
I honestly hope that one of these days -soon, too- I go to sleep and just…never wake up. I can’t hurt anybody if I know longer exist. Perhaps one night I will take a hand full of sleeping pills…I’m sure that would be best for all in the long run.
On some sort of a related note…I still haven’t been creating art recently. I mean…I drew one picture for my friend/future roommate…that’s ‘bout it. My camera is broken…so I don’t get to work on my photography (Which I really have been wanting to do) Oh…and I am going for NaNoWriMo this year. The book will be based on real events that have happened to me mid October…so that should be fun.
Sorry, once again I am using my art journals to vent...
Oh for a while I was doing good. Feeling amazing. Almost two weeks with out cutting, much less feeling the need to cut. Gods it was great. Things were looking up.
Why would I expect that would last?
I always seem to say and do the wrong things at the worst moments. While trying to defend one person, I gut the other….Oh how tired I am of being so scared. Then I find out that I’ve been… neglectful towards one of my closets friends. That recently I’ve been taking our relationship for granted. Three people in my life that I honestly do care about…In one day learn that I’ve hurt them all.
Why do I even bother trying? Why? Why don’t I just give up with people? Cut ties with most everybody except those that I need to keep in contact with for business reasons. I mean, fuck, I just end up hurting everybody so the best I could do for them is the leave ‘em all alone, right?
I honestly hope that one of these days -soon, too- I go to sleep and just…never wake up. I can’t hurt anybody if I know longer exist. Perhaps one night I will take a hand full of sleeping pills…I’m sure that would be best for all in the long run.
On some sort of a related note…I still haven’t been creating art recently. I mean…I drew one picture for my friend/future roommate…that’s ‘bout it. My camera is broken…so I don’t get to work on my photography (Which I really have been wanting to do) Oh…and I am going for NaNoWriMo this year. The book will be based on real events that have happened to me mid October…so that should be fun.
Sorry, once again I am using my art journals to vent...
Always here.
-Gryor