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Someone special...
13 years ago
For someone who is very open and comfortable talking about my emotions and things like that, I've been having a lot of trouble finding the best way to word this journal. So... if it sounds awkward or weird, forgive my uncharacteristic lack of eloquence!
This is a long journal, with a lot of history and emotions and stuff like that. I'm being honest here, but I kinda want to just write this down somewhere... I don't really mind if nobody reads it. :)
So I've had a few relationships in my time. Some pretty good, and some very very bad. I've let enough people get close to me to tell them about who I really am, and all the things in my history that make me such a weirdo. But I've never had someone who could just tell everything about me from the first meeting, except for once. One person who just knew everything I've learned to hide, and everything I have trouble sharing. I'll be honest, I was pretty scared by that to start off with. I figured I needed to make a friend of that person, and get on their good side and stay that way to make sure my secrets stayed secret.
But as time went on, I actually became quite fond of this person. What had scared me at first actually became something positive. I'd finally found a friend who understood me completely. The first person in my life who I didn't need to explain myself to, because they understood why I act the way I do... even if they did think I was a bit of a pussy to start off with! (In hindsight, I imagine I was that way then since I was still coming to terms with how they were able to 'know' me so well without even having to meet me.)
Meeting them for the first time a few years ago was the first time in a very long time that I was blissfully happy. Nothing was wrong in the world, since I was spending time with my friend. We had such a great time, and the sadness I felt from having to leave that behind and go home was almost painful to deal with. Even a year later, when I lost contact with my friend for a few months, I looked back to the time we'd spent together with that wonderful feeling of nostalgia, a mix of both happy and sad, where all the sights and sounds and smells come rushing back to you in an instant that makes you long to be there just once more, even if only for a moment. That meeting changed me, and changed my life, for the better... I just didn't know it at the time.
Then, I missed a chance to meet my friend again. I had the funds, I had the time, but I was focused too much on how things would be a bit tight for me for a few months afterward, since travelling from Iceland isn't the cheapest of affairs. I have never regretted any decision in my life as much as that one. For the best part of a year, I felt so bad, and thought I had left it too long without meeting my friend, and that when we met again, things just wouldn't be the same as before, that we'd be awkward and distant. I hated the idea of losing the person who should have been my best friend in all the world.
Finally, after getting in contact again, almost 2 years to the day since we first met, I spent a week with my friend again. It was amazing... it seemed as though a day hadn't passed since we were together last. We just met up and got on with hanging out and talking as if it was the most normal thing in the world. The fact that we were both a couple of years older didn't make the tiniest bit of difference. I felt like a teenager again, and that's a thing that hasn't happened since before I was even 16 years old. It was like every one of those awesome high-school moments you have rolled into one week. And at the end of our time together I felt even closer to my friend than before. Leaving her behind to go back 'home' to Iceland was almost heartbreaking, but I didn't dare admit it to anyone (despite the fact that my good friends back here thought it was so obvious I didn't NEED to admit it.) I vowed to go and hang out with her again as soon as it was financially possible.
Just a few months later, after a lot of 12 hour shifts, and late nights of work, I found myself hanging out with her again. Once more I had that feeling of being just a kid. Inside me a voice was screaming "Fuck the rest of the world and all its problems, this right here is all that matters!" I even ended up missing my flight home, and through all the stress and expense of arranging a new one for a week later, I was overjoyed that I got to spend even longer with her. I have never, in my whole life, had as much fun doing very little as I did then. We went on a few little adventures, we ate at some nice places, and we hung out together, watching movies or cartoons, or just sitting and talking for hours on end. But then, the time came for me to once again go home, and leave her behind.
It was devastating to me. That's what I've never admitted. I wish it were possible that I could have just stayed. Every step towards the boarding ramp of the jet that would fly me back across the ocean to this tiny, frozen little rock, I could feel my heart sinking. When I got back here, I barely ate, and could hardly sleep. I didn't even leave the house for almost a whole week.
So you know what? I'm going back there. I'm going back, to stay. Because there's nobody on this earth who makes me wish I was a better person, and who I could possibly care for more than I do. And I know she cares for me equally as much.
You know what else?
I love her.
And knowing she feels the same makes me happier than I could ever hope to describe.
This is a long journal, with a lot of history and emotions and stuff like that. I'm being honest here, but I kinda want to just write this down somewhere... I don't really mind if nobody reads it. :)
So I've had a few relationships in my time. Some pretty good, and some very very bad. I've let enough people get close to me to tell them about who I really am, and all the things in my history that make me such a weirdo. But I've never had someone who could just tell everything about me from the first meeting, except for once. One person who just knew everything I've learned to hide, and everything I have trouble sharing. I'll be honest, I was pretty scared by that to start off with. I figured I needed to make a friend of that person, and get on their good side and stay that way to make sure my secrets stayed secret.
But as time went on, I actually became quite fond of this person. What had scared me at first actually became something positive. I'd finally found a friend who understood me completely. The first person in my life who I didn't need to explain myself to, because they understood why I act the way I do... even if they did think I was a bit of a pussy to start off with! (In hindsight, I imagine I was that way then since I was still coming to terms with how they were able to 'know' me so well without even having to meet me.)
Meeting them for the first time a few years ago was the first time in a very long time that I was blissfully happy. Nothing was wrong in the world, since I was spending time with my friend. We had such a great time, and the sadness I felt from having to leave that behind and go home was almost painful to deal with. Even a year later, when I lost contact with my friend for a few months, I looked back to the time we'd spent together with that wonderful feeling of nostalgia, a mix of both happy and sad, where all the sights and sounds and smells come rushing back to you in an instant that makes you long to be there just once more, even if only for a moment. That meeting changed me, and changed my life, for the better... I just didn't know it at the time.
Then, I missed a chance to meet my friend again. I had the funds, I had the time, but I was focused too much on how things would be a bit tight for me for a few months afterward, since travelling from Iceland isn't the cheapest of affairs. I have never regretted any decision in my life as much as that one. For the best part of a year, I felt so bad, and thought I had left it too long without meeting my friend, and that when we met again, things just wouldn't be the same as before, that we'd be awkward and distant. I hated the idea of losing the person who should have been my best friend in all the world.
Finally, after getting in contact again, almost 2 years to the day since we first met, I spent a week with my friend again. It was amazing... it seemed as though a day hadn't passed since we were together last. We just met up and got on with hanging out and talking as if it was the most normal thing in the world. The fact that we were both a couple of years older didn't make the tiniest bit of difference. I felt like a teenager again, and that's a thing that hasn't happened since before I was even 16 years old. It was like every one of those awesome high-school moments you have rolled into one week. And at the end of our time together I felt even closer to my friend than before. Leaving her behind to go back 'home' to Iceland was almost heartbreaking, but I didn't dare admit it to anyone (despite the fact that my good friends back here thought it was so obvious I didn't NEED to admit it.) I vowed to go and hang out with her again as soon as it was financially possible.
Just a few months later, after a lot of 12 hour shifts, and late nights of work, I found myself hanging out with her again. Once more I had that feeling of being just a kid. Inside me a voice was screaming "Fuck the rest of the world and all its problems, this right here is all that matters!" I even ended up missing my flight home, and through all the stress and expense of arranging a new one for a week later, I was overjoyed that I got to spend even longer with her. I have never, in my whole life, had as much fun doing very little as I did then. We went on a few little adventures, we ate at some nice places, and we hung out together, watching movies or cartoons, or just sitting and talking for hours on end. But then, the time came for me to once again go home, and leave her behind.
It was devastating to me. That's what I've never admitted. I wish it were possible that I could have just stayed. Every step towards the boarding ramp of the jet that would fly me back across the ocean to this tiny, frozen little rock, I could feel my heart sinking. When I got back here, I barely ate, and could hardly sleep. I didn't even leave the house for almost a whole week.
So you know what? I'm going back there. I'm going back, to stay. Because there's nobody on this earth who makes me wish I was a better person, and who I could possibly care for more than I do. And I know she cares for me equally as much.
You know what else?
I love her.
And knowing she feels the same makes me happier than I could ever hope to describe.
I know you, I know the things about you that you would rather hide. You didn't even have to tell me, because we share the same fear, the same shame and the same hurt. However, to me that is hardly the most important things about you, I know the why but that is like knowing were the scar on someone came from and you never need to fear judgment or your secrets being passed around. I love you for who you are, for the awkward way you can't tell me that you love me because it means so much to you that you want it to be the "perfect moment", for the way that we both so desperately wanted to run to each other and confess everything but wanted each other so badly that we were content with just being friends because that was at least something. For the fact you hold my hand and it's not because you want to own me, but because you want to show you care. I love you for who you are and I can't wait to start a future with you.
I wish I was pure for you, I wish I had something to give you that someone else didn't already have time to break. I wish I had not waited so long to tell you but I hope now that I can be what you want and need, you are great, I am the luckiest girl in the world and I mean it so deeply.
I never think about the long term, life is short and things fade away over time, but I want to be with you forever I want to be yours and be your little wife and I want you to be my husband.
/feelings and shit yo
*throws her hands up in the air* THE WINNAH!!!
Look at us, being all sappy and shit. And you will be my little wifey, I'll do everything I can to make you the happiest little wifey there is!
Onward, to the FYOO-CHAAA!
... together <3
So sappy and all that, makes me feel like such a chick. I'm sure you will make me happy, you already do so much just by being here. When all you need to do is smile at me and my day is better, I'm sure you have your work cut out for you. I will do everything in my power to return that feeling.
Everybody knows now, it's on the internet!